Tooth Ache

Something seems to be wrong with one of my back teeth. There is this sharp, cold feeling everytime I chew something corse in the back of my mouth. It doesn't really hurt, it's just annoying. I can't even enjoy these chocolate chip cookies for my tooth aching.

I feel that same cold, sharp feeling in my heart about...well...In my mind, I tell myself that everything will be okay, I try to look to the future for a ray of hope, yet find myself missing the hell out of him. I need more lemon heads. Wait a minute...

A thought just occurred. Do I miss him, or the thought of being WITH him? How can I miss something or someONE I never had? But I HAVE HAD thoughts of being with him, and now those same ideals are being clouded and shut down by the immenent thoughts of being withOUT him.

Patience is indeed a virtue. I tend to have to wait a long time for things I want badly, so this patience thing is nothing new. In fact, this was my MAIN mantra while I was going through intake with AKA. Patience is a virtue. Patience is a virtue. Patience is a virtue. That's what I kept telling myself and others. Patience. It was written on my wall, and I believed in it. I needed that belief, that hope that if I waited, was patient and endured, I would weather the storm and come out victorious in my pursuit.

So in a moment of self-realization, isn't this the same thing? Shouldn't I have the patience, and maybe the maturity to say, "okay" and let him go...for good? He may or may not be THE ONE for me, and I have to come to terms with that. I am in love with the THOUGHT of being in love with him. But it has become painstakingly obvious over the course of over half a year that love with him may not be in my forecast after all. It's so hard to accept this, and I think that is what hurts the most. I have to learn how to just be his FRIEND ONLY again.

He doesn't know this, but I liked him maybe the second time I hung out around him. The initial meeting was a blur, and my sights were set else-where, but not long after did my attentions drift toward him... ...I want the feeling of wanting him to GO AWAY...please?



I feel so desolate and unfulfilled. Selfishly I ask, "When will it be my turn?" I shouldn't be going out looking for love. It should just come to me, right? Will it never come because I chose to pursue it? I'm afraid of being left alone forever. Destined to smile faintly in the faces of friends as they embark on journeys of love and happiness, destined to watch them dance away in the moon light, as I...wringing my hands, look up and wonder when?

I'm afraid that when love comes, I won't know what to do with it. And that thought is actually quite funny to me at the moment *laughs*. See, I have all the answers for him right now, but...if I were truly in love, would I have words at all? Mama says I won't know what to do with myself. I mean, I'm soooo sure now, but when it really happens, will I go into panic mode? Probably...

My heart is aching, and my mind is filled with turmoil...I'm not in love...so why? Can the thought of love really do this much damage?! I would imagine so...*looks at self*. In time, love will find its way into my heart..."will I be ready" is the question.