Forebidden Fruit

So...long story short, I have a crush on this guy who is more or less forebidden fruit. See, as long as I can remember, I've had this rule where if one of my friends (and even in some cases associates) dates a guy, then he is off limits to me. Now there are terms and conditions, but that's the basic gist of the rule.

Well, my crush is the ex of a friend of mine....and they broke up maybe almost a year ago, but my friend is still in love with this man.........so........

But the thing is, he told a mutual friend there was no way he and his ex were getting back together...that it just wouldn't work. Then he told her that he thought I was kinda cute and that I was "thick" and asked her if I was friends with his ex. The friend changed the subject...

Now...this dude is pretty much the total package. I won't get into his credentials, but he is. And he is soooooo handsome, like he has this boyish quality about him. AND HE HAS DIMPLES and I LOVE DIMPLES....especially on my men!!!

He would be perfect for me, had he not already been with someone who I consider a friend. I respect my friend far too much to tread on dangerous territory and risk our friendship over a guy. Now, if he and I become friends and develop something from that, and we fall in love with each other...now that can't be helped, and somewhere in her heart I'd hope she would understand.

Either way, it's a touchy subject....he is so fine.....damn!!!

So as I turn in to bed tonight, Imma say a special prayer for him cuz he got in a lil situation. I hope he is okay.

Signing off....

*side note*

My prophyte A.O. is my f'in shero!!! I love you, Soror!!!!

...

I am just utterly disgusted at myself for feeling this way. I haven't been able to sleep for the past two nights...thinking and reminiscing on the past...dreaming, wishing, and hoping for the future...I can't seem to get rid of these emotions, and my only excuse is that I dealt with dude for a year...A year and some change dealing with the same person, and actually caring deeply for them is not something easily let go of...I'm confused and I don't know what to do...

I have dreams of me going to his basic training graduation, with a cute little green and white dress on, some cute heels, my hair flowing down my back and a gift for him in my hand. He looks surprised to see me, and asks, "How'd you get up here?" really not expecting me to be there. "I drove" would be my reply with a smirk on my face...I'd hand him his gift and give him a hug...then I'd be pushed to the background to let other family and friends congratulate him on his huge accomplishment. He's going farther than his daddy ever did, and for that I know he's proud. And I'm proud too...

He'd ask me if I want to go to dinner with them. I'd oblige. I'd sit in the midst of his family and loved ones, and all eyes would be on him...and me...She would be there too...pregnant, maybe with his child(hopefully not), but no one would care. Compliments would shower me. "Why aren't you and Ant togther?" one would ask. "Y'all would make such a cute couple" another would chime in. I'd blush and keep quiet...He'd probably say nothing as well. She would make some smart remark, but a family member, perhaps his grandma would shut her ass down.

He'd glance longlingly at me, a faint smile crossing his lips. I'd meet his gaze and smile back. My cousin would call telling me it's time to go. I'd take my leave...his mom standing up to hug me and kiss me on the cheek. "I hope to see you again" she would say. I'd wave good bye to his niece whom I simply adore, and bid farewell to the rest. He'd be standing all the while and follow me out of the door.

We'd stand outside, face to face. The wind would blow ever so slightly. "Well..." I'd reach for a hug and he would meet me with a full embrace. "Thanks for coming". "Of course!" I'd smile sweetly at him, but inside my heart would long....."I'm so proud of you!" I'd touch his face. "Well, I gotta go. See you later, keep in touch. Don't forget me..." is what I'd say, and then I'd get in the car and drive off....him watching as the car pulled off to its journey.

I wonder if this experience has changed him any? I wonder. I think I'm in love with him. My heart is telling me I am. My mind and body are too. But so much doubt has crept in and clouded my view. I loved him. I would do most anything for him. And all I want is for him to be ultimately, happy. And he knows this for I've told him several times. Our friendship doesn't mean anything if he's not happy.

There was a time where I wanted to be the one to make him happy, the one to make him smile and want to come home. I wanted to give him the world. Every feminine fiber in my being that I could muster up to give him undeniable pleasure...I was ready. I wanted to prove to him my worth. I wanted to love him, and be loved by him. But somehow I fell short.

I refused to believe that I couldn't MAKE him fall in love. I didn't want to believe that it was a process and that it either happened or it didn't. I believe in fairy tales and happy endings, and I choose to believe that when your mind and heart are in sync and they tell you to love a person, that you do just that. And that's all your will allows you to do.

School work---of no consequence, and I suffered for it. But nothing could compare to the joy--constant joy he brought me on most nights. I loved him....and he didn't even know it. Hell, I don't think I even knew until about a couple of weeks ago.

He is the one that single handedly made me smile, laugh, dance, cry, feel giddy, think on a spiritual and philosophical level. He helped me gain common sense, he helped me to be more tough. He taught me a lot about myself, and for that alone, I am indebted. I wanted to give him everything.

But now I see I fall short...so very short. I can't undo what time has done. How distances have favored another over me. How shared experiences with her are of no comparison to mine...I just don't measure up. Plus I want committment...a promise of fidelity, or at least monogamy...

I am honestly upset...at myself for not being all that he wants or needs. I am upset at him for not looking past the front gate to see what's outside of the fence. I am mad at her for capitalizing on that shit!

But to be honest, who's to say he hasn't left both our asses alone? You know what I found out? Her's and my birthdays are exactly a day apart, and who's to say a whole 24 hours? To know that this girl shares my same sun sign...well let's just say, I'm not thrilled.

But it made me think. Shit, if it didn't work with her, then how is it gonna work with me???? Maybe we're all just TOO different...

I still know though, that my willingness to sacrifice for him, and to prove myself to him is far greater than any pleasure he received from her sexually. And I am 116% sure that with a little guidance, my shit would be better than hers. I just need to be clear on what he likes and what he doesn't like. Her experience in the bed may be that of a pro--yeah I may be virginal (no penetration)---BUT---I want to give him...me.

Was reading this novella tonight titled, "Satisfy Me"....the main female character was a 22 year old virgin. A year older than myself. Something she said in the book struck a chord with me. I remember going back to campus with B almost 2 years ago. We were coming from the mall and talking about first times. I told her then that I wanted her best friend to be my first. She wasn't necessarily for or against it, because at the time I believe she wanted to protect BOTH of us from getting hurt. She asked me why....Just as the main character in that novella had stated, I answered, "Because I trust him".

To this day he is the only guy I've been intimate with.......I knew I wanted to experience my firsts with him because I trusted him, I felt comfortable around him, and I knew he knew what he was doing! As the year progressed and 2008 came under way, I was fully head-over-heels....*sigh*

We've been through a lot. But he (and others) are probably thinking that what we've endured doesn't even scratch the surface of what him and that girl went through...but ask me if I care? AND DON'T!!

What I'd ultimately like to happen is, he realizes that I am all he needs in a woman. We can help make each other that "all in all". I want him to let go of the past and look to the future...which Capricorn is best for you?

But....just as I discovered that cold day in February...if he doesn't choose me, I shouldn't dismay. It might be that it just wasn't meant to be. They always come back, anyway...once they realize their mistake. Problem is...it may be too late...

When it's all said and done, though, I want that man to be happy. That's all I want is happiness for his life. And that along with a piece of my heart is all that I can give him right now...

Tooth Ache

Something seems to be wrong with one of my back teeth. There is this sharp, cold feeling everytime I chew something corse in the back of my mouth. It doesn't really hurt, it's just annoying. I can't even enjoy these chocolate chip cookies for my tooth aching.

I feel that same cold, sharp feeling in my heart about...well...In my mind, I tell myself that everything will be okay, I try to look to the future for a ray of hope, yet find myself missing the hell out of him. I need more lemon heads. Wait a minute...

A thought just occurred. Do I miss him, or the thought of being WITH him? How can I miss something or someONE I never had? But I HAVE HAD thoughts of being with him, and now those same ideals are being clouded and shut down by the immenent thoughts of being withOUT him.

Patience is indeed a virtue. I tend to have to wait a long time for things I want badly, so this patience thing is nothing new. In fact, this was my MAIN mantra while I was going through intake with AKA. Patience is a virtue. Patience is a virtue. Patience is a virtue. That's what I kept telling myself and others. Patience. It was written on my wall, and I believed in it. I needed that belief, that hope that if I waited, was patient and endured, I would weather the storm and come out victorious in my pursuit.

So in a moment of self-realization, isn't this the same thing? Shouldn't I have the patience, and maybe the maturity to say, "okay" and let him go...for good? He may or may not be THE ONE for me, and I have to come to terms with that. I am in love with the THOUGHT of being in love with him. But it has become painstakingly obvious over the course of over half a year that love with him may not be in my forecast after all. It's so hard to accept this, and I think that is what hurts the most. I have to learn how to just be his FRIEND ONLY again.

He doesn't know this, but I liked him maybe the second time I hung out around him. The initial meeting was a blur, and my sights were set else-where, but not long after did my attentions drift toward him... ...I want the feeling of wanting him to GO AWAY...please?



I feel so desolate and unfulfilled. Selfishly I ask, "When will it be my turn?" I shouldn't be going out looking for love. It should just come to me, right? Will it never come because I chose to pursue it? I'm afraid of being left alone forever. Destined to smile faintly in the faces of friends as they embark on journeys of love and happiness, destined to watch them dance away in the moon light, as I...wringing my hands, look up and wonder when?

I'm afraid that when love comes, I won't know what to do with it. And that thought is actually quite funny to me at the moment *laughs*. See, I have all the answers for him right now, but...if I were truly in love, would I have words at all? Mama says I won't know what to do with myself. I mean, I'm soooo sure now, but when it really happens, will I go into panic mode? Probably...

My heart is aching, and my mind is filled with turmoil...I'm not in love...so why? Can the thought of love really do this much damage?! I would imagine so...*looks at self*. In time, love will find its way into my heart..."will I be ready" is the question.

FUCK Summer Lovin

That's RIGHT! I said it! Fuck summer love. I'm so over it. I've basically come to the realization that I'm not going to get what I want out of that man-boy because he isn't ready. I can't force someone to be in a relationship no matter how much he likes me or I like him. If distance is an issue now, it will be an issue later. And maybe mama is right. Maybe he is PISSED that I left Chell on the phone for so long. That always happens and not too long after that, my "situation" with the guy falls apart. I figure that we will just always be good friends or something. But he said the same thing last night that he said 6 months ago, "I know you, but I don't know you"... REALLY NOW? But I guess he's right, in a sense.

And he gave the hypothesis that it'd be different if we'd grown up together and he KNEW me...the distance thing wouldn't matter much. But then he says he doesn't not trust me, or himself...so...then...contradiction perhaps? Maybe...

He's afraid of taking chances...that's what I chalk it up as, but I do admit that we wouldn't have much of a relationship. DISTANCE is the BIG TICKET issue here, y'all just don't understand. So I'm done trying to fight it. We're 4 hours apart at worst and 1.5 hours at best...talk about huge sacrifices for someone you don't know.

He says I shouldn't sit around waiting on him (cuz he knows he's not gonna tell me what I want to hear any time soon, plus he probably is already courting another girl). I should talk to other dudes or whatever. (But I fear there's not another quite like him out there...)

Mom says I should talk to other guys, that I may in fact miss out on a wonderful opportunity waiting on him. JLavada said he's probably talking to someone else. Whatever, I'm through trying.

6 months, and it got me absolutely no where...well I can't say that completely. I gained a unique friendship with a unique guy who is very intelligent, insightful, charming, and funny. Will he ever be mine? Who knows?

So I end this post with a quote from DMX

"If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, it's yours. If it doesn't, it never was".

For him to be so crazy, he sure makes a lot of sense at times. Poetic at best, ey? Well, I'm out...

P.S. Good morning...