Question Is....Are virgins NOT the bizness anymore??!?

Hopefully this will prove to be a regular segment on STG, but who knows. Life is very sporadic these days, although chock full of drama...

Anywhoo...guess who came back into my life a couple of weeks ago? See previous post. Things didn't go like I had hoped and imagined they would. THAT GIRL was there at his basic training graduation in full effect, like I suspected...whatevs....he got his shit (cell phone, etc) back so now he can make phone calls. He called twice last weekend...

Dude, I just don't know anymore. There is no stand-still...there is no nothing between he and I. We are just friends (especially in his eyes) and I should just accept that shit and move on...

In an attempt to strike conversation last night (we were texting), I asked his opinion on a topic me and some of my homeboys were talking about. They were saying that dudes don't want to fuck with a virgin AT ALL if they don't have to...(basic gist--meaning relationship and/or sex)

I asked what he thought...if he felt like this was true. I said this:

"I remember when virgins used to be hot commodities. Do y'all just not want to deal with them (us)?"

He said:

"Sexually yes. Emotionally no."



It spoke volumes to me, but...WTF does that mean? I didn't ask, because I don't want him to think that I care. But he really just killed my hopes of us being together anytime soon and him being my first. SOMEBODY has to endure the "emotions" that come with a virgin, or else she will be one for the rest of her life. Whatever happened to a guy thinking that you are so special that he WANTS to be your first? I understand that he doesn't want the drama...but, shit! He basically told me in so many words that he doesn't want to deal with me because of my virginal status...I will admit that I tried to get him to commit to me before I would give him the pussy (and it failed), but am I wrong for wanting my first time to be special and the fruition of a committed relationship? Guess so. In his defense, maybe I'm SOOOOO special that he doesn't want to hurt me...doesn't want to be the cause of any emotional distress I might experience after the fact. He doesn't want to be the face behind my regrets (if I have any)...maybe that's what it is.

My emotions fucked me up that night. His whole demeanor changed after I told him that the pussy was for committed situations only. I sensed that shit immediately.

Emotionally, virgins (maybe even the girl who's virginity you took) can be unstable and clingy. I know that I wanted to give myself to him...first, if not forever. I know that I didn't plan on sharing him after that...you know? Guess he still tryna sew his royal oats. Can't fault him, cuz he's still hella young.

I just pray he doesn't come around after I've lost my virginity to someone else, looking for a second chance. Not only will I be a beast in the bedroom, but also a cold, heartless, calculating, CNB-attitude....bitch!

He don't wanna see me!

OUT

p.s. future posts such as these will be short and to the point with question and responses.

The Thrill is GOne...but another one COmeth

It's been gone for a long time. He was a rebound, and I was just way too afraid to admit it. I didn't want him to know that a rebound is what he is/was to me...not saying that our relationship couldn't have blossomed into something wonderful, but it didn't. I wasn't ready for a relationship...with him, and he wasn't ready for me.

The one who I want to be ready to be with me is somewhere in North or South Carolina...I forget...I might see him in 3 or 4 months...but by then, a lot will be different.

I am moving into my first real apartment with a soror of mine on the first of May!!!! I am so excited! Talk about "Miss Independent" and "She Got Her Own"...but aside from me being able to pay my own bills...I don't want to be Miss Independent...I am in need...of companionship and love from a MAN...not a little boy pretending to be a man.

I try not to let my situation from last year with ole boy interfer with my here and now...but point.blank.period...I let the new dude know that I was ready for the real deal...his lack of interest and communication when HE GOT ME was, "turnin me off"...in the words of Keri Hilson.

See, what he didn't know, but I've always guessed about myself, is that I get bored with dudes easily, especially if we don't really have that strong of a connection. That's why dudes who are actual FRIENDS first usually last longer with me. I don't know if that's because they know how to deal with me, how to keep me interested...or what?

But the new dude...hmph...I could give a laundry list of things I think he needs to work on...but I won't go there,because I'm not about pointing out the faults of a jilted lover...anymore (cuz you know I did it with ole dude)...but I'm done...I'm trying to focus on why I DEADED the situation...

Because he still wants to be with me...but...

I just don't want it. And I can't and won't force myself to fall for him again. He should have builded on the connection we had from the start and made it strong. Instead, I was ignored and neglected until it was convenient for him to communicate with me...Oops, there I go...

But yeah, I just don't see it working out. My patience is thin (already) for guys younger than me. The only "younger" dude who will ever get a second chance if God warrants it, is THAT BOY (hopefully MAN, now). I have been let down on countless occasions by guys who were not on my level mentally and emotionally. I always got hurt in the process.

The difference with my situation today is that I probably messed the new guy up, might have even broken his heart...I sure hope not, because not much time was vested into the relationship. Who am I to judge how quickly someone falls in love, though? But real talk...with me...I'm his prototype...I think I'm everything that dude wants in a future wife/soulmate. He's just not ready to deal with someone of my caliber (not tooting my own horn, just stating that we are on two different levels, ALL TOGETHER). I'm the kind of love that he seeks in a relationship, I possess the understanding and maturity, the patience... I got it all...BUT he's not ready and still into playing childish games (phone-tag)...

I'm ready for the real deal...my mom was married at the age I am now...yes, things have changed, BUT DAMN! I should have stayed with Zay...*thinking* NO the hell, I shouldn't have...but had I, I would have been knocked up and working on child #2...

Anyhoo...quick anecdote. So I was talking to the guy the other day. He called me first, I was unable to answer so I called him back a couple of minutes later. We talked for a minute, but then I told him I had to go (I was in the middle of handling important business). So we get off the phone and I immediately get a text from him saying something to the effect of, "I want to fall in love with you so badly, but I'm just so afraid". I told him that neither one of us are ready for that...especially with EACH OTHER. He replied, "We could have been, but I feel like you don't care". I was like WTF, and said (basically) that the initial connection between us had been lost and that I was in no mood to fight to re-establish it (cuz it would have been feeble attempt #4), and that I could not force myself to start liking him again....

He did not respond...just cut the conversation off just like that (not fighting for that "love" he wants AT ALL)...and that was the end of it, but I didn't care, I was like "Oh well". But since I had told him I would call him back later, I kept my word and did just that. It was around 12:30am...I called and he didn't answer...(which would often happen). 3 WHOLE days go by without him returning my call (remember, I was just tryna keep my word, but I kept this in mind because he tried to throw some shit up in my face about me not calling him the previous week).

So Thursday morning, at 3am, I'm lying wide awake thinking about ole dude. Not so much on a romantic sense, but just wondering how basic training is treating him. And well to be totally honest, I'm still not over him..completely... I get a little emotional, and that Whitney Houston song, "Why does it Hurt So bad" starts playing in my head. I start to shed a few tears. I rolled out of bed and signed onto facebook and changed my status message to read:
"Shy can't sleep...I miss him so much". Tell me why not 2 minutes later did new guy respond saying, "Tell him how you feel. He might feel the same way". HAHAHAHAHA!!! ROTFLMAO!!!

Then he proceeds to call my phone twice and left a voicemail after the last call...ummmm.......

So....you can call me when you ASSume that my status message is about YOU...but you couldn't return my fucking phone call when I was trying to reach out to you 4 days ago? HA! I wasn't even TALKING ABOUT HIM!!!! Is he really that oblivious, and full of himself, thinks he's king shit, and got it going on so much that my status would be about him when we haven't been on good terms for a WHOLE month, and I haven't heard from him in 3 days???

He is not the end-all and be-all of my relationships...I still think about a LOT of my past relationships...I recall the good and the bad. And the thing about me and ole dude is that we had history. We were friends FIRST...I've known him for almost 3 years, and from jump we clicked...so I mean...of course I miss talking to him everyday and having so much in common...and laughing at his corny jokes, and listening to his stories....*sigh* the good (most of the time) outweighed the bad...and he had potential to be THE ONE, ya know...?

But yeah...that ends my anecdote...But I'm just like...was new dude really serious? I thought about returning his call...but what for? Call me hypocrytical, but I honestly have nothing to say to him, and I don't want to open up a can of worms. Telling him that my status was not about him, making up a lie to cover my ass...I mean, shit...I don't owe him ANYTHING!!! He's the one that wants to be in love "with me" so badly... I'm trying to do everything but spell it out for him that "I- DO-NOT-WANT-YOU"--you know...I'm trying to let him get it on his own...but it's not clicking. *sigh*

If he decides to call me again...which will be in the next week or so....maybe...then I will make sure he's clear on the finale' of our "relationship"...I can't keep up this sherade. Again, it wasn't fun while it lasted. He's a good dude, just not for me...not right now.

SO... in other news...haha...say a few prayers for me that I get a job so my place in the apartment will be secure!!!! God keeps blessing me, so I gotta stay open-minded about my options! Peace and blessings to you all!!!

A few Words...

So....to make a long story short...I'm kinda on the outs with my "boyfriend". I told him today that we needed to take the title away, slow things down, and start over again at square 1. He did some really bogus shit the first 2 wks of our relationship, and in the words of Keri Hilson, "It was turning me off"....Like for real. I was starting to really dig the relationship and the direction it was headed in, but his lack of communication caused me to doubt his sincerity. I don't have much luck with guys, do I? Torrance and Kit would say that I need to leave the little boys alone (this one is almost a year younger than me)...my mama and my homegirl La.va.da are saying the same thing...so...26, you said?

WORD! But yeah, I'm just dropping this tidbit, so when I start talking about someone new y'all won't think I'm some kind of wanch!

But yeah...uh....HAPPY HUMP DAY!!!

P.S. Alpha Kappa Alpha's Southeastern Regional Conference will be held 3/12-15th in Mobile, AL and I am so excited!! It's my first ever regional conference. I'm looking forward to learning more about my sorority and hanging out with my pretty sorors. I will be on hiatus, I suppose until I return!! Until then, DEUCE!

Research and Investigation

I'm launching an investigation. I can't divulge details, but I will say that it involves myself and the opposite sex, compatibility, and eventually pin-pointing what I'm really looking for in a man and a relationship.

Not saying the one I'm in now isn't going to work...but I AM 21...and there is so much more life to live (God willing)...so I can't limit myself in my thinking (like I did last year).

Aside from working on myself and the way I deal with certain situations, the way I manage time, and the way I come across to men, I will be investigating what it is that I am looking for exactly.

Yeah, true, I want my husband to be a carbon copy of my dad with the exception of looks (my dad is very handsome...but I don't want a nigga that looks like him. That's just too f'in weird, but you get my drift), but I also want someone who is spontaneous, romantic, and outgoing (which are qualities that my dad (nor me) doesn't necessarily possess. Basically I need someone to bring out the wild side of me in a relationship.

My mom has been suggesting for the last 2 years of my life that I sit down and make a list of things I DO want and things I DON'T want in a man and in a relationship. Pros and Cons. She said she did it, and it made things a hell of a lot more clear for her. So yeah...I think it's time, but I'm going to go a step further and get more detailed in my selection of DOs and DON'Ts...

So I've begun my preliminary research...finding out who my best and worst matches are according to astrology and sun signs. I'm kinda into astrology (not on some worship/religion tip), because it is super relatable to a broad spectrum of people who fall under the same sign, and sometimes that shit be dead on (more times than none for me). It just amazes me that people have studied other humans so extensively that they can generalize about ANYONE who has the same sign and postulate a correct assumption.

I'm going to write a dissertation...maybe...more like a paper...but nonetheless....and share it with the blogosphere and maybe facebook/myspace.

The first piece of my research I am going to share is the sun signs that are my best and worst matches...

WORST:
Aries
Libra

BEST:
Taurus
Virgo
Scorpio
Pisces

Next time I will share the names of guys who I've dealt with (crush, talked to, dated) in the past that fall under these signs, and whether or not I need to rethink giving them a second chance (or a chance at all if they haven't had one yet).

Oh, and this project needs a name....so yeah...I need to think on that.

You sTuPiD BITCH

"Whatever...like...don't get mad at me over dumb shit and you don't even want this thing to work. You're damning it to hell because you can't have your way. You don't wanna fuck with it no more. Truth is, you've been DEMOTED...status denied...put back at 1st base with the rest of em."

The worse thing a "friend" can do to me is discuss me with an enemy...and then turn around and act like we're friends....DON'T DO ME!!! Now I see that he's been discussing me with people who don't like me, and I don't like them. You don't do shit like that. Don't play both sides of the fence. But I should have known when he said he felt like our friendship was a "slap in the face"...called my prayers for our friendship "bull-shit"....dude, whatever....this too shall pass...And I pray that I won't regret a thing. EVerybody in your life ain't there forever...REASON, SEASON, LIFETIME...

I'm thinking he was reason status. He was not around enough to completely ruin me..but he did waste a tremedous amount of my time. His feelings are hurt because I'm not calling him everyday...but the moment I told him that I have someone new in my life, he should have gotten the damn picture!! What the fuck do I need to call you everyday for when I have a man?!?! Whatever dude...you are on the same level with the rest of these dudes I'm cool with. You are no longer "special"... you are now just like EB, Juan, and Mar...if even THAT! We're just friends now...or at least I wanted us to be friends....but I realize that a friend wouldn't go through so much to SABBOTAGE the friendship, which is what he's been doing for the past 2-3 weeks. OMG...I'm so tired of milling this shit over in my head. I have something to be excited and happy about. So fuck the dumb shit!

Peace

MERRY BELATED CHRISTMAS...and stuff

Hey all!! Hope your Christmases were AWESOME, and that you got everything that you wanted and needed, and that you got to spend it with who you wanted to. I didn't get anything on my Christmas list :-(....but it's all gravy. I'm well aware that it is better to give than to receive, and trust me, I did a LOT of giving, spending money I didn't have.

I'm just blessed and thankful to be alive and looking foward to the new year.

Over the break, I realized that I need to let go of my pursuit of ole dude...formerly Houston, formerly the boy, formerly The Russian etc.

He's just way too inconsiderate and I'm tired of always being blamed for his shortcomings. I'm tired of his excuses, and his inability to take responsibility for his actions. I realize now that we are better off as friends until he grows up, and then we can try again.

I guess, in a way he tried to tell me he wasn't the one. My persistance got me into this mess...but I'm determined to get myself out. I've been praying about it, and everytime I have a lingering thought of him I ask God to "remove the longing". I don't want him completely removed from my life because he is a good friend. I DO, however, want any romantic thoughts and feelings to dissipate until he gets his shit together and can pursue me like a real man.

I am worthy of true love. I deserve it, and one day it will come. Patience is indeed a virtue, and I bet I will have one of the best fairy tales to tell my kids one day.

Oh, and don't get me wrong. I'm not trying to blame him for us not working...I blame him for not admitting fault and trying to fix it. I blame him for not trying to reach out me...He told me about a month ago that he could sense the end of our friendship...he told me that if it ended, it'd be my fault because I wouldn't reach out to him. Sorry buddy...you're prediction was only half true. I've done nothing BUT try for a whole damn year...OH WELL...

No use crying over a nigga I never had in the first place. WOrd to the wise...inconsiderate behavior will get you no where with ANY WOMAN unless the bitch is dumb.

I'd like to think we'll always be friends, but I'm tired of trying...time to move on....

Anyhoo...TOODLES

P.S. We had some good times, but it wasn't fun while it lasted! Oh, and friendship is a reciprocal situation. The sooner he grasps that concept, the better off he'll be.

This song sums up our twisted relationship/friendship to a mother fuckin TEE and I never noticed til today, but I've known this song since it came out..."Nothing Lasts Forever" by Maroon5 (auto play taken off...visit imeem.com to hear full song)


"It is so easy to see disfunction between you and me
We must free up these tired souls before the sadness kills us both
I tried and tried to let you know
I love you but I'm letting go
It may not last, but I don't know
I just don't know"

Chorus:
"Everyday...with every word whispered we get more far away
The distance between us makes it so hard to stay
But nothing lasts forever but be honest babe
It hurts but it may be the only way"

AND IT IS...at least for me right now!

Not Into Speed-Dating

First, I would like to start this post off by stating that I am not talking about the conventional means of speed-dating...the whole going to some location, sitting down at a table and having random people sit at the other seat across from you and try to get to know you in 15 minutes (or less). NO, I'm not talking about that shit, because my life hasn't come to a place where I need to speed-date in that manner at the age of 20.



I'm talking about rushing into a damn relationship out of guilt or pressure. That USED to be me when I was a young teen. These guys would guilt me out of my good sense, and I'd be booed up with them, only to find that they were messing with other girls as well. My problem was that I could NEVER say no to these dudes. They made me feel so bad with their sob stories...I gave in like a dummy and always ended up regretting the shit. What it comes down to is that I was letting them take advantage of me. I was naiive.

So now, at the tender age of 20, I find myself in similar situations, but things are different this time around. I've learned that even though I'm caught up emotionally with the boy, to keep my options WIDE open...

Anyhoo..back to the point at hand. In January of this year, I found myself in a situation with a guy that goes to my school. We fooled around or whatever...to my dissatisfaction...but I guess this dude doesn't have much experience with females, because he can't pick up on the OBVIOUS clues that I don't want to deal with him like that. He's a cool person, but I'm not physically attracted to him anymore...haven't been since that day he came to my room! We never clicked on any other levels, so honestly, I don't get why he's still so persistant. It is THE LAST MONTH of the year, and dude still texting me. No, I'm not going to send you pictures of me! No, I don't want to see your naked dick!! I told him a long time ago I was involved with someone, guess he doesn't care...ass hole!!

The next guy, was this guy I met at a school function. He was cute, or whatever. He asked for my number, I gave it to him. You know, no big deal. I stopped assuming every guy that talked to me wanted to get in my draws a long time ago. He didn't give off that vibe. Okay, so he calls or whatver...and we really have very little in common so I get bored quickly. He wants to get lunch one day, so I invite him to my dorm for some chicken wings and shit. He comes in my room sweaty and hot from walking across campus, plops down on my bed, lays on my AKA pillow like a fool...DUDE!! WTF??! Then he's rubbing all on my back and shit! First of all, WTFB?!?! WHat are you doing? Let's just say, that was the end of that shit. I saw him the other day and he goes, "You been hiding from me, haven't you?"! I wanted to say HELL YEAH...but I kept it moving.

The last dude is really a piece of work. He messaged me randomly on facebook and stuff at the beginning of the fall semester...and then we found out we stayed in the same dorm. Dude has been on my ass like crazy, but since he is kinda flirty with a lot of females, again I tried not to assume that he was trying to get the booty. Okay....extremely long story short...I was at a party this past Thursday, and this dude straight up cornered me in a bathroom, locked the door and asked me why he didn't have a chance with me, when CLEARLY I had told him 10 minutes before that I didn't see him in that way. Then he facebook-chatted me yesterday and was like, "Why did you run from me at the party?" I was like....I wasn't running, dude. He was like, "I wanted to take advantage of you when we were in that bathroom, but I controlled myself". Something inside me went off like an atom bomb. I told him that what he had just written was NOT something you tell a female! You don't know what my past was like, if I've been "taken advantage of" before. He was like, "I don't see what's wrong with me expressing the way I feel". I was like, "That's just something you don't say. It sounds really bad!" Then he proceeds to tell me that he finally got a chance to take a peek at my ass in " those tight pink jeans" I had on at the party. WTF?!?! Nigga, you sick!

So I give you these scenarios to say this: None of these young men ever approached me in the right way. All they did was initiate conversations. From there they went assuming that since I say, "hey" back I want them to jump my bones, marry me, or be my lover. None of them ever took the time to get to know me....all conversations revolved around them and their freaky fantasies (guy #1), their boring life in general (guy #2), or their boring freaky life (guy #3). Questions about me centered around me getting involved with them in some kind of manner. I think guy #2 wouldn't have been so bad if he wouldn't have made such a bad impression in my room that time. You just don't lay your hot, stankin, sweaty body down on somebody's bed like that, ESPECIALLY when you don't even really know them!

I feel like these guys were trying to rush me into relationships without getting to know me first, and this pisses me off. I'm more than just a pretty face, and I'm WORTH getting to know!! None of them EVER asked if I was involved with someone else...I mean, what happened to dudes asking up front, "You got a man??" I mean, they don't do it anymore and I think it's because they don't care...OH BUT THEY SHOULD! Guy #3 is learning the hard way, because I think I hurt his little pride IN PUBLIC at that party. He should have come correct!

I told Guy #1 I was involved a while back, and he ignored...I mean, what do these fools want me to do? They all have good friendship qualities, but they'd rather skip that and jump head first into a FUCKED up relationship...and I'll be damned if I become a statistic on UAB's campus! That's why i don't fuck with UAB dudes now!

The moral of the story is: in order to get with me, there has to be an initial connection (check), and an ESTABLISHED friendship (all were lacking). Therefore, certain details about our lives should be shared...not forced out. My longest lasting, and best relationships blossomed out of real, true friendship...Like the one my hunny and I share now. We've been friends since '06...we KNOW each other, and most importantly, we are COMFORTABLE around each other! That's what I'm looking for. I heard it somewhere..."Comfort is the only thing in your life you have control over." You control what your environment is 9 times out of 10 and whether or not you can deal with the setting...That's my point.

So to those 3 guys, and others who may potentially want to try me...I'm not into that quick shit! Get to know me first, and then we'll talk (LITERALLY!)!!!

Shout-outs to my REAL homeboys: EB, Mar, Bran, Juan, BMC, Quin, Merl, and Bookie

And to my BOO: HOUSTON!!!!!!

FINALLY!!! Beach Recap 1: Monday--August 4th

PRE-CURSOR:
For the past 8 or 9 years, my family has ventured to Gulf Shores/Orange Beach for a little fun. The past two years have been something else...us staying at one of the most bourgois condos in Orange beach, Phoenix on the Bay II. This needs to be our LAST year going down here. It's fun...but frankly, it's getting old. People call it the "Redneck Riviera" because of all the racist whites out there...Plus it's Obama season y'all. I ain't tryna die on no subsequent vacations!! Please believe! anyhoo, enjoy these pics real quick before I get into what happened on Monday.


Phoenix on the Bay II


Big Timing. It costs thousands of dollars to stay here for a couple of days. We do it for a week. But trust, it wasn't easy. We started saving for this trip last year, right after we got off the last one.


The infamous slide


I take damn good pictures!


The condo across the way. Not nearly as grand as our property


Another view



So... my recap of summer vacation starts with Monday, August 4, 2008--the day one of my best friends in the world turned the BIG 21!!!

Birthday Girl!!!!


My hunny lives in these parts in a town about 10 minutes outside of Gulf Shores. Initially he and I were supposed to rendevous on this vacation, but that never happened as he decided to return to H-ville early in preparation for the new school year. Sucks for me, right? So the plan for the day was to get up with Gemini's (formerly The Russian) best friend (whom my cousin is "talking to") and some of his boys to show Quanita a great time on her 21st birthday. So we start getting ready around 1pm (well I do, because I had to go to the bank with my mom). The guys were supposed to come get us around 4pm. There was already some confusion and ambiguity about that because dude, I will call him "Redd", drives a Mustang...and he was already gonna be 3 deep...A mustang will NOT hold 6 people comfortably...well not a convertible anyways. Redd just kept going on and on about how he wanted his cousin "Big Boy", and homie "Squint" along for the fun. I was skeptical as to why the extra body was needed, since I wasn't looking for anyone to kick it with. Quanita was supposed to hang with Squint, and my cousin Chell with Redd...I was gonna be fifth wheel, but wasn't worried about it. Whatevs...I'd just call Gemini and talk to him or something.

But yeah...we get ready and are looking fly:

Chell lookin like a hot tamale, dressed in red for Redd...


Wuddup, BIH!?

So yeah, we lookin fly and what not. Smelling good, excited, nervous, the whole 9 (mind you, we had never met ANY of these guys before, but cuzzo had been talkin to Redd on the phone for about a month). So 4pm rolls around, y'all...and I swear!! Chell calls Redd to ask him where he is...this NEGRO has the audacity to say he's waiting on his cousin or some bull shit. Nigg, you supposed to BEEN in Orange Beach at 4...you ain't EVEN LEFT THE HOUSE!!!

So Chell gets in bitch mode, pissed off cuz the nigga ain't doin what he said he was gone do. Plus time's a tickin and we were trying to get out ASAP as to get the most out of our little adventure to come. So there we are, all laying on my bed watching Disney Channel, waiting on these fools. My ass fell asleep...I think Quan drifted off too...

Y'all...it was 7 O CLOCK before these mufuckas showed up!!! Okay, so the "day light" is damn near gone!!! When they got to Orange Beach, they ended up going to the wrong property. They were at POB I instead of POB 2. We went all downstairs looking for these niggas, and they're in the wrong place!!! They finally made their way to our floor, and when we got there, they were just standing there looking dumb and bored. Very attractive, the 3 of them tho. I didn't take pics of them for a few reasons I won't discuss.

Anyway, Redd and Big Boy looked mixed, so we surely thought they were apart of a family staying at POB 2, Squint (I thought) was just their homeboy they'd asked to come hang out or something. It occurred to me slightly that the guys may be the Motley Crew we'd been waiting 3 hrs for, but shit, I was pissed so I breezed right by all three of their asses, went inside the condo and slammed the door behind me...OOPS, strike 1, My bad!

So...Quan follows me in, and then Chell. These niggas knocked and I said, "That's probably them..."and rolled my eyes. Chell started acting EXTRA brand new and put on this front like, "I ain't telling them to come in!" I'm like, ain't this what you been waiting for for a MONTH and 3 hrs!?!? She goes out and gets the boys. They all walk in OUR condo without speaking and head straight for the living room area. Niggas plop down on a couch and tell Chell to tell us to "Come out". Me and Quanita look at each other then get up and head out. Quanita is REALLY quiet so she never has much to say. That was expected. I spoke, she mumbled something and then I sat down.

WHEN I SAY THAT BITCH WAS DEAD!!!! Nobody was talking, not even Chell or Redd to each other. I was so confused, cuz ok...you got the nigga over here, and had OH SO MUCH to say, cussing him out on the phone and stuff, and then when he's in your presence, you are on MUTE!? FOR REAL?!? That pissed me off ROYALY!! So me, being the most socially concious, I strike up a convo. I say, "So who are y'all??" These niggas think they runnin game, so they switch out names, well, at least Redd and Big Boy do, as to confuse Chell of which red-boy she is actually talkin to. A conversation was sparked...OH IT WAS SPARKED ALRIGHT!! And all hell broke loose from there!!

Jesus, Redd is a schitzo, I believe. One minute he was cool, calm and collected. The next he is yelling at me, saying I got an attitude, when I'm just trying to make conversation with his crazy ass. He goes off on some tangent because I mentioned that I thought he'd be taller from the pics Chell and I saw on facebook. I think I embarrassed him. BUT SHIT, they were ALL short...and uhhh...we were too. HE GOT MAD, Y'ALL!!! Strike 2 on me....Oh Lord, strike 3 is where the shit hit the fan for real...

So, I'm already semi-perturbed with Chell's lack of conversation and self-imposed put on and shyness...then Redd's ass hauls off talking bout "so what we doin"? We (me, Chell, and Quan) all start speaking at once. "WE thought WE were going somewhere tonight!" Then Chell wanna speak up talking about how she thought we were supposed to be going shopping, out to eat, and to a movie. Redd scoffs (LAUGHS, y'all), and is like, "How 6 folks gone fit up in my Mustang?" I roll my eyes. Was he serious. So you came up in this bitch with no plan and NO apologies....then he did the unthinkable! This nigga asked me what we had to eat. Was like, "We should order pizza!!" To lighten the mood, I jokingly stated, "you payin?" OH MY GOODNESS!! I should have NOT said that...I should have kept my damn mouth closed. This fool launches a verbal assault on me. Getting all upset and excited talking bout I'm disrespecting him, I have an attitude, all this bull. Then he has the fucking NERVE to compare me to Gemini's ex, whom I have no official BEEF with, but let's just say we don't care for each other. I know of her, and she knows of me...

But hold up homie...Redd, I DON'T KNOW YOU AT ALL!!! Who the fuck did he think he was buckin up on me and comparing me to that girl?!?! He said, "you remind me of someone...OH!!! Gemini's ex...you know her don't you...yeah, you got an attitude just like her" and he made a stank face! OMG, y'all I bout peed in my pants and shed a tear at the same time! Now how would he have felt if I started comparing him to Chell's ex who she STILL has communication with. I know if Redd knew that he would have a hissy fit.

I texted Gemini these words: "Your boy is crazy" and he called me wanting to know what was goin on...I didn't have much to say at the time. Y'all honestly I was shocked and appauled, I was upset and heated that his ass arrived at our condo late and subsequently wasn't planning on taking us anywhere. We hadn't eaten since breakfast early that morning and this nigga is asking us to PAY for a pizza that he and his cronies are probably gonna try to eat up themselves!!

I laughed Redd's verbal assault off, but I was truly hurt and offended and all Gemini did was laugh. I felt defeated, and I felt the stinging tears welling up in my eyes. I didn't shed A one tho...

So skipping stupid shit, Redd gets Chell to the back. I'm still on the phone with Gemini. I go back there too...Redd gets on my phone talking to Gemini telling him I got a bad attitude and I'm showing out. I'm like, "WHO THE FUCK IS THIS NIGGA, REALLY?!?!?!?"

Ok...so skipping other stupid shit, you know, him whining to his boys, talking bout he ready to go cuz I (SHY) has an attitude with him and he don't feel like being disrespected! I'm seriously confused at where all this hostility is coming from at this point. He then tells Chell, privately of course that he is just causing a scene to get HER in the back ALONE with him. She tells him if that's the case, he should apologize...

When he finally decided to stop being an ass and apologize, I honestly still wasn't feelin that shit. I accepted, but was highly put-off for the rest of the night. When the folks (my Mom, aunt, and Grandma and the kids) got back we (as in, me, Chell, Quan, and the guys) went down to the Bay.

Chell and Redd ran off into the look-out tower and that is where they stayed for the next 2-2.5 hours. Quanita and I chatted it up with the actual COOL dudes, Big Boy and Squint. If it weren't for them being cool enough to chill with, I would have holed myself in that condo for the REST of the night. They even apologized to Quan for her lack luster b-day, but she claimed she had fun. Whatevs. It don't take much to please Lil Bit!

Anyhoo...the last bit of this horrendous night occurs after the guys leave. We still hadn't eaten A THING...so my mom offers to take us to McDonalds. Boy I was still heated. I decided to confront Chell about that stupid shit her lil boo pulled at the condo. I was EXTREMELY nice and calm about it, but I let her know that if she did anything else with him over the course of the week to count me out, cuz I didn't feel comfortable around him. I guess this made her mad or something. She defended him a lil and said, "Well I like him, and I had fun". I was like, "That's good." What the fuck did she want me to say. I'm glad you had fun, boo...but I don't care!

So yeah, we get back to the condo and she hops her happy ass on the phone with that idiot...and when she gets off, she has this NASTY, funky ass attitude...WITH ME!!!! Like I did something to HER! I guess he told her that if she cared so much about what I thought about him, she shouldn't talk to him...and I guess that pissed her off. Guess she thought I was fuckin up her chances because I was being too sensitive or something. What the fuck ever! I now know that this girl will definitely put a nigga BEFORE family!! And she ain't even known him for that long, that's what's CRAZY!!!

I digress y'all. This shit had me stressed. She woke up Tuesday morning with a 'tude too, but by the time it was time for us to go to the mall, we smoothed that shit out and she gave me a big hug. i dropped that shit off in the Bay of my mind, because I was DETERMINED to have a great trip, despite Eve's curse coming at the most inopportune time, despite Mario's untimely death, and despite the hellish drama of Monday. And guess what?

Shit got better from there!! More later!!

TAKE THAT, Mama!!!

WELL...
However sprung I may be over ----------, I still not have lost an ounce of charm. I was in Subway yesterday, and the same lil guy from behind the counter who had caught my eye a couple of weeks ago was in there working by himself. I inwardly smiled.

He has this thug-thing going on, which is only natural seeing as he is on the edge of the southside of town (where I stay). He is cute tho, dark brown, alamond shaped eyes, short, and skinny. He made my sandwich and rung me up, saying no more than he had to. Then outta no where he says, "Do you mind me asking how old you are?" I said, "20" and giggled, "How old are you?" He replied looking down at the register, "19." I let out a loud, "Awwww". And then I asked him why he wanted to know my age. He said that I looked so young, but that I could have been much older, so he just wanted to ask. I smiled, got my sandwich and was headed out the door. He called to me, "Hey, why don't you call me sometime?" I hesititated for 1.1 second, then turned around to see him scribble his number on a receipt and hand it to me with a smile. I took it and bid him good day. His name is Dee. I shall call this little boy (lol) tonight some time, just to say hello and get the basics. But I shall let him know that my mind (and heart) are preoccupied at the moment. No need to get comfortable.

I still got it tho. Told you mama!

*SIGH*

I went to sleep last night around 1:30am knowing I had to wake up at 6 to get ready for work. I had been on the phone with him for a couple of hours, and what was once a nice, light-hearted conversation turned into a serious, down-right...UGH conversation.

We annoy each other to no end sometimes. I know it. But what pissed me off last night is how he plays so much into these double standards and what not. Maybe he's joking most of the time, because he did ask me, "So you mad?" I said "no, not mad, just a little hurt." He said, "So you hurt?" I said, "Well, yeah...cuz you play into these double standards. You can, but I can't. I can't do what you do..." and BLAH BLAH BLAH.

The context behind that dialogue was that he made a statement. I asked him to elaborate and he wouldn't. Got a lil pissy about it, so I dropped it. A couple of minutes later, I make an assertion on an observation I made, his interest is piqued and he wants me to elaborate. I say, "No". Ask me why he goes on MUTE for like 5 minutes, I guess pitching a fit that I wasn't about to give in to him. But he knows my weakness is silence. I can't stand that shit. So after I whined for him to start talking he makes this grunt to let me know he was still on the line. I gave in y'all. I told him what I vowed to NOT tell him.

He admits he was testing me. What the test was, I don't know and probably never will know. I don't care what he says, he has a wall up and he is putting me through many unecessary trials and tribulations just to win his affection. Perhaps I already have his affection...why is he so cold sometimes? I attribute that to his double-personality. But let me get insecure about something...he goes on a damn tirade talking bout, "well, how do expect me to like you when you don't like yourself?!" Hey Hey Hey! I love me some me, in every possible way. If I get insecure sometimes, it's because a flaw has been thrown up in my face. Sometimes I have a weak moment, okay?! But I love me, and am very proud and aware of ME! HE on the other hand admits that he doesn't know himself...so how is he tryna call me out? He confuses my shy nature with insecurity which is not wise at all. He's right, face-to-face will say it all...

FUCKING GEMINI!!!!! I need to stop wearing my heart on my sleeve, but when it comes to him, I can't help it. I want him to know about every feeling that ever enters my heart about him, and I so desperately want him to feel the same way. He says it's not that he doesn't feel the same way, that I just get mad at him because he's not saying what I want to hear when I want to hear it...

This may be true, and I'm working on it... I'm trying. Y'all...I'm so sprung...somebody help me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*This post may be gone by the end of the day...I'm just venting...

I'm Going Through

I talk so much shit. And I can own up to it, and admit that. All it took was a 4hr-long conversation with "him" to make me put things into perspective and to stop being so dramatic about our situation. I came to the realization that I'm gonna have to go into this with no expectations. Like he said, "Just live". I need not try to plan every moment we may spend together. What for? Things very seldom go as planned. And I just want to enjoy the time we DO get...because it comes few and far between.

I am guilty for semi-planning, because I don't want to not have A CLUE of what's gonna go down, but I'm practically leaving it all up to him and chance, and I hope everything works out to the both of our likings.

I wish y'all could understand what this boy does to me. He gets inside my head, says what I'm thinking. I could be lying down, not saying a word, and he'll know exactly how my body is positioned and what I'm fixing to ask him next. He knows what I like without me having to tell him, and maybe to a fault. I never thought about it before, but what if he's able to read the minds of every girl he's ever talked to before me?

His bff is a female, so maybe he's use to it. He told me from jump that he's able to read MOST people extremely well. But there has to be more to him reading me, than just a knack of sorts...some quirky talent. I'd like to think that I'm somewhat more special than other girls in the past, scratch that...those hoes can't hold a candle to me. Some of our conversations get very philosophical, political, societally-charged that you'd think we were politicians from opposite sides of the spectrum.

I am 4 months his senior, but he is mentally and emotionally on a level that surpasses a lot of guys I know who are his age up to 4 years older...what's with that? He makes me laugh uncontrollably, we argue for the sake of it, which I think keeps things interesting. Nothing wrong with a little lively debate every now and then. We have a lot in common, he's genuine...and when I say this I mean, genuinely HIM. He claims to be no one but himself. He owns up to his Geminian ways, embraces them, and realizes that even he can not figure himself out at times. I can respect that.

He's considerate and kind (generally), but UBER sarcastic and caustic, which are parts of his sense of humor and personality I adore. If it were not for those traits, he would just be your typical shy guy. He has this look he gives to people when they get on his nerves. If you catch it, you will die from laughter.

I guess I could go on and on about him. Many may not understand. He's unique and different, yet so much like myself. One of the realest niggas I know, who doesn't deal in falsities (word?). He's laid back, well-manered, armed with street sensibilities, yet cultivated with intellect (sounds good...he'd blush). Am I SPRUNG??!

My only fear is that I don't/won't live up to his expectations of a partner/mate, if time ever leads us to the crossroads of friend to mate. Yes we are only friends. But...he gets me, in ways that no other has. I'm impressed. And for someone who has seen em all, that doesn't happen to easily anymore. I'm impressed with the whole of him, who is not perfect by any stretch, and has flaws like everyone else. And I accept him for who he is, even with his mood swings and wishy-washy, flightly behavior. Maybe tried to get him to be more considerate/ compassionate once or twice, but never went about trying to change what makes him, him--different.

I don't know...just trying to relieve some emotional/mental baggage. I got a thang for him, and he knows... If only I could get inside that thick ass skull and discover his true, uninhibited feelings about me.

You like me? DUH! But what about me? Right...if he can't answer this question after 7 months of intense "getting to know you" conversations, I'm going to righteously beat his ass the next time I see him, and then proceed to ween myself off of the thought of being with him (yeah right). But I honestly would be seriously hurt and dillusioned.

On second thought. I can answer this question on my own. Even though he dislikes people assuming, I can assume that he has put up with my dramaticism, pessimism, negativity, hopeless, whiny, bitter, back-track, past-dwelling, et al ways for this long because he sees the great potential in the woman I am SOON to become. The transformation had already started, late February, yes with a few back-slides. But I was recently awarded with encouraging words on toning down my dramatics. Was I thrilled?! HELL YES! I undoubtedly seek his approval where maybe I shouldn't, but I can't help it. He does the same to me, asking at times, "Is that bad", when he questions a judgement he's made. I dunno folks.

Ours is a complicated scenario, that will only grow in complexity as school lets back in and new, fresh faces arrive on our respective campuses. Will another girl come in with 10x the fire that I have, prettier, and smarter than me? Will I lapse back into lust for one of several of the guys I pined for months ago? Who knows, but God Himself. But it is my sincere prayer, that God gives this thing with he and I a chance. We've already been through some storms as it is. We are constantly testing each other's loyalty to the other...our friendship might as well be...*sigh* But I digress.

Like I said, in the weeks to come, as I prepare myself to see him face to face for the first time since April, I know that it is CRUCIAL to take things as they come and let the chips fall where they may. I just hope my emotions and dramaticism don't get in the way of an otherwise "JUMPIN" vay-cay in LA. Don't wanna ruin it for everyone else. CNB attitude will be activated July 1, 2008 at 12am....watch for it!!

FUCK Summer Lovin

That's RIGHT! I said it! Fuck summer love. I'm so over it. I've basically come to the realization that I'm not going to get what I want out of that man-boy because he isn't ready. I can't force someone to be in a relationship no matter how much he likes me or I like him. If distance is an issue now, it will be an issue later. And maybe mama is right. Maybe he is PISSED that I left Chell on the phone for so long. That always happens and not too long after that, my "situation" with the guy falls apart. I figure that we will just always be good friends or something. But he said the same thing last night that he said 6 months ago, "I know you, but I don't know you"... REALLY NOW? But I guess he's right, in a sense.

And he gave the hypothesis that it'd be different if we'd grown up together and he KNEW me...the distance thing wouldn't matter much. But then he says he doesn't not trust me, or himself...so...then...contradiction perhaps? Maybe...

He's afraid of taking chances...that's what I chalk it up as, but I do admit that we wouldn't have much of a relationship. DISTANCE is the BIG TICKET issue here, y'all just don't understand. So I'm done trying to fight it. We're 4 hours apart at worst and 1.5 hours at best...talk about huge sacrifices for someone you don't know.

He says I shouldn't sit around waiting on him (cuz he knows he's not gonna tell me what I want to hear any time soon, plus he probably is already courting another girl). I should talk to other dudes or whatever. (But I fear there's not another quite like him out there...)

Mom says I should talk to other guys, that I may in fact miss out on a wonderful opportunity waiting on him. JLavada said he's probably talking to someone else. Whatever, I'm through trying.

6 months, and it got me absolutely no where...well I can't say that completely. I gained a unique friendship with a unique guy who is very intelligent, insightful, charming, and funny. Will he ever be mine? Who knows?

So I end this post with a quote from DMX

"If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, it's yours. If it doesn't, it never was".

For him to be so crazy, he sure makes a lot of sense at times. Poetic at best, ey? Well, I'm out...

P.S. Good morning...

I's going back to WORK today

Yes, people! I start back at the RSA today. I'm a lil excited, a lil nervous, a lil sleepy even. But crazy thing is, I could not stay sleep last night. Lately a lot of my nights have been restless. I can't really say I'm stressed out about school and my grades, cuz hey, it is what it is. I think it moreso has to do with anticipation of the future, specifically the next coming weeks and months. I have so much to do and plan for...I dunno. Then I'm always thinking about him, and what he's doing, and what he's thinking about, and why I can't be where he is.

I need something to happen between us stat. Some words of encouragement to be exchanged or something....I just want to talk to him. I returned his phone call last night to get NOTHING and then sent him a text message and got NOTHING. Last time this happened the end results were not pretty, he was back with his ex and I thought we would never be cool again.

Is it normal to care about somebody, but feel like you shouldn't care because of extinuating circumstances? I feel that way sometimes when it comes to him. I, in some way, feel WRONG for liking him because of who his best friend is, who his cousin is...I mean, I feel like there is some unspoken tension between me and his best friend, who I consider a friend, but after some stuff went down with the previously mentioned incident, I don't think things will ever be the same.

People care about LOYALTY...and in most cases it's all in who you've known longer. I believe that depending on the situation, yes that logica is relevant, but in matters of the heart, it shouldn't be. You can't help who you love, or in my case, like... ...
If I could flick a switch and not care about him anymore, I wouldn't flick it. I feel like if folks can't be happy for us if we end up together then they were never friends to either one of us to begin with.

I feel like I have so much to tell him, but we're in that phase now that I usually get in with most guys I talk to. It's like we're calling each other now, but have no conversation, really. We've practically talked about EVERYTHING under the sun, avoiding deep discussion of relationships, marriage, and children. But now it's like awkward silence 47% of the time :-(. I don't know what to do, but it's nothing new, I guess.

I just want him to be happy, that's all. But I'd love it if he could be happy with me. Yeah we live far apart from each other...but "ain't no mountain high enough"...ya know? I somehow wish he could read this blog, understand my feelings and tell me how he feels. Cuz I don't know...or maybe I do, I just want to hear him say it. But he often does not give me what I want...I have to in some way work for it...he doesn't spoon-feed me compliments, or boost me up. I was so surprised when he complimented me on my pink dress I wore to the Alpha probate. He said i looked, "sexy". I wish he coulda seen the look on my face!

But that's the thing. He truly doesn't know how he makes me feel, and I guess he wo't know unless I tell him, but I just don't know the words to say. My BIGGEST problem is that I'm afraid of losing him, and I don't want to scare him away...what to do?

I know if I never tell him how I feel I will lose him eventually...tried that once...it worked, but it didn't. Guess I can say it got my foot in the door. But when it's all said and done....does he want me...like I want him....FOR REAL?

Ummm...Hell naw...

So um, are some of these guys kidding me? Are they seriously going to run around and beg to be chased? In my opinion, none of them (except my object of desire) is worthy enough to be chased. They have the game twisted horribly and need a freakin reality check and some private lessons from some real men. Makes no damn sense how many girls wanna get with these niggas, and all they do is smile and nod...THAT'S IT, and I kid you NOT!!!

When they see girls coming their way that they don't know, or don't hang with regularly, what do they do...? SMILE and M&Fin NOD...a hot mess...I have no time for that.

My parents were old fashioned in their courting. My dad spotted my mom, asked his football coach about her (his football coach was my mom's aunt's baby-daddy), they prolly talked a while and then exchanged digits. I know mama used to tell me daddy would ride over to her house from campus or his apartment ON A BICYCLE and visit her. My mom saw something special in him for doing that...Many men would have been too embarrassed to court on a bike...he could have asked one of his homeboys to drop him off...But all that didn't matter! What mattered is that he wanted the girl...that's ALL that mattered.

These days, the trifling negros I come into contact with on a daily basis are more concerned about their "waves", their jewlery, their cars, and clothes...how many stacks they got and who they're impressing...They want the females they are interested in to be thinking and worrying about the same thing (and we all know females can take that kind of shit to a whole 'nother level). But how the hell is that gonna work out when you got two self-centered materialistic mfers, no one is concerned about the passion and chemistry in the relationship--if that person can treat you right or make you smile...naw...they worried about who gone look the best when they go to the Continental that weekend. GET OFF!!!

I can attest to the fact that this is indeed a rant, but I'm highly disliking what I'm seeing around my campus and around my hometown. Negroes...take a step back and look at some things realisticly. SOMEBODY HAS TO CONTRIBUTE TO THE SUSTAINING AND MAINTAINING OF A RELATIONSHIP...that's why that shit don't ever work!! (Jessyca, here's the answer to your question, boo right here!). Worried about the wrong damn thing!

I was on somebody's myspace the other day, looking at one of those surveys we all like to take. When the part about what he likes in a female came up, most of responses were "hers"...when they asked what kind of body type, he answered "hers", when they asked what eye color he answered "hers"... It was a beautiful thing to see that he is interested in her--FOR HER. She ain't gotta come to him with stacks on deck, she ain't gotta be the flyyest thing walking. If he sees "her" and likes what he sees, then it's all about her. That shit just really touched my soul! And I mean, we all have specificities and ain't nothin wrong with that, technically. But it just boggled my mind that this guy has it all figured out. I believe that survey showed where his mind is at and that he knows how to treat a girl. WHOEVER snags him is going to be one LUCKY ass female! That is a promise.

But yeah, there are more thoughts swimming through my head about this topic, but I think it's about time for me to get ready for church...so I'll HOLLA when I get the chance! ONE!!!

LIL Man is GROWING UP!!!!!!

I don't have much to say here, other than these "lil" boys (child rappers turnt grown men) are growing the hell up and looking TASTY in the process. Bow Wow gets no love from me, but Romeo (Percy Miller Jr.--Master P.'s son) DOES!!!! Check out these pics from a recent photoshoot.

--Pics via Crunk and Disorderly (link in Favorite Blogs Section).

**Edit to add: On the post titled, "My Life's Devotion to a Light-skinned Man", I had Romeo as # 9 out of my top 10 sexiest light-brights...brother should at least be #6 or #7...He definitely looks better than Spectacular from Pretty Ricky, who is (these days) lookin a little Fruitacular!!! LOL--DEUCES!

Caramel Zeus from an Overcooked vegetable

As some of you may know, or have gathered...I'm single. Been that way since early 2005. I've given love a shot, only to GET SHOT in the back by dudes who were just trying to take me too fast. Don't get me wrong, I've had encounters, and kissed a few lips since then. But nothing beats a relationship, and knowing that your heart belongs to someone and vice versa.

I haven't failed in anything yet (in my opinion), and a relationship is the last thing I want if I'm not COMPLETELY ready for it...but...companionship would be NICE...

On a softer note, since this is not a rant...there is this guy...OMG is he fine!! I don't know if it's his looks or his swagger, but he definitely has SOMETHING that attracts me. He's not light-skinned (which I have a thing for, call me shallow...), and he's NOT tall (but I'm not biased to tall dudes, I usually go for average height anyway). So what is it?

The guy has the MOST GORGEOUS SMILE I've ever seen on a caramel dude (my second favorite skin tone on a guy). He carries himself with the highest confidence and self-esteem. His hair is gorgeous...makes me think he has some Indian in him somewhere down the line. And even after a car accident that left scars on his face, he's still HOTT STUFF!

Doesn't hurt that his folks have stacks on deck either...but it's not even about that. What gets me is his swagger and persona. And I'm not the only girl who's noticed it! Me and my homie Monie used to fight over him ALL the time (in jest). And she claims she "gives up" and I can "have" him...we'll see!

But for real, dude is a SITE FOR SORE EYES! And he is BUILT...and he seems like a genuinely nice person. But I'll never know until I have a convo with him. He seems so unapproachable and so NOT ON MY LEVEL...he's a socialite, if you will. But hey...something's gotta give. And he showed interest in my by...well if I said that, I'd be giving him away, so I'll hush. But yeeahhh...He know what's up!! I believe things will change for him and I this semester...I just got that feeling...