I'm Going Through

I talk so much shit. And I can own up to it, and admit that. All it took was a 4hr-long conversation with "him" to make me put things into perspective and to stop being so dramatic about our situation. I came to the realization that I'm gonna have to go into this with no expectations. Like he said, "Just live". I need not try to plan every moment we may spend together. What for? Things very seldom go as planned. And I just want to enjoy the time we DO get...because it comes few and far between.

I am guilty for semi-planning, because I don't want to not have A CLUE of what's gonna go down, but I'm practically leaving it all up to him and chance, and I hope everything works out to the both of our likings.

I wish y'all could understand what this boy does to me. He gets inside my head, says what I'm thinking. I could be lying down, not saying a word, and he'll know exactly how my body is positioned and what I'm fixing to ask him next. He knows what I like without me having to tell him, and maybe to a fault. I never thought about it before, but what if he's able to read the minds of every girl he's ever talked to before me?

His bff is a female, so maybe he's use to it. He told me from jump that he's able to read MOST people extremely well. But there has to be more to him reading me, than just a knack of sorts...some quirky talent. I'd like to think that I'm somewhat more special than other girls in the past, scratch that...those hoes can't hold a candle to me. Some of our conversations get very philosophical, political, societally-charged that you'd think we were politicians from opposite sides of the spectrum.

I am 4 months his senior, but he is mentally and emotionally on a level that surpasses a lot of guys I know who are his age up to 4 years older...what's with that? He makes me laugh uncontrollably, we argue for the sake of it, which I think keeps things interesting. Nothing wrong with a little lively debate every now and then. We have a lot in common, he's genuine...and when I say this I mean, genuinely HIM. He claims to be no one but himself. He owns up to his Geminian ways, embraces them, and realizes that even he can not figure himself out at times. I can respect that.

He's considerate and kind (generally), but UBER sarcastic and caustic, which are parts of his sense of humor and personality I adore. If it were not for those traits, he would just be your typical shy guy. He has this look he gives to people when they get on his nerves. If you catch it, you will die from laughter.

I guess I could go on and on about him. Many may not understand. He's unique and different, yet so much like myself. One of the realest niggas I know, who doesn't deal in falsities (word?). He's laid back, well-manered, armed with street sensibilities, yet cultivated with intellect (sounds good...he'd blush). Am I SPRUNG??!

My only fear is that I don't/won't live up to his expectations of a partner/mate, if time ever leads us to the crossroads of friend to mate. Yes we are only friends. But...he gets me, in ways that no other has. I'm impressed. And for someone who has seen em all, that doesn't happen to easily anymore. I'm impressed with the whole of him, who is not perfect by any stretch, and has flaws like everyone else. And I accept him for who he is, even with his mood swings and wishy-washy, flightly behavior. Maybe tried to get him to be more considerate/ compassionate once or twice, but never went about trying to change what makes him, him--different.

I don't know...just trying to relieve some emotional/mental baggage. I got a thang for him, and he knows... If only I could get inside that thick ass skull and discover his true, uninhibited feelings about me.

You like me? DUH! But what about me? Right...if he can't answer this question after 7 months of intense "getting to know you" conversations, I'm going to righteously beat his ass the next time I see him, and then proceed to ween myself off of the thought of being with him (yeah right). But I honestly would be seriously hurt and dillusioned.

On second thought. I can answer this question on my own. Even though he dislikes people assuming, I can assume that he has put up with my dramaticism, pessimism, negativity, hopeless, whiny, bitter, back-track, past-dwelling, et al ways for this long because he sees the great potential in the woman I am SOON to become. The transformation had already started, late February, yes with a few back-slides. But I was recently awarded with encouraging words on toning down my dramatics. Was I thrilled?! HELL YES! I undoubtedly seek his approval where maybe I shouldn't, but I can't help it. He does the same to me, asking at times, "Is that bad", when he questions a judgement he's made. I dunno folks.

Ours is a complicated scenario, that will only grow in complexity as school lets back in and new, fresh faces arrive on our respective campuses. Will another girl come in with 10x the fire that I have, prettier, and smarter than me? Will I lapse back into lust for one of several of the guys I pined for months ago? Who knows, but God Himself. But it is my sincere prayer, that God gives this thing with he and I a chance. We've already been through some storms as it is. We are constantly testing each other's loyalty to the other...our friendship might as well be...*sigh* But I digress.

Like I said, in the weeks to come, as I prepare myself to see him face to face for the first time since April, I know that it is CRUCIAL to take things as they come and let the chips fall where they may. I just hope my emotions and dramaticism don't get in the way of an otherwise "JUMPIN" vay-cay in LA. Don't wanna ruin it for everyone else. CNB attitude will be activated July 1, 2008 at 12am....watch for it!!