Monday, May 12, 2008

I's going back to WORK today

Yes, people! I start back at the RSA today. I'm a lil excited, a lil nervous, a lil sleepy even. But crazy thing is, I could not stay sleep last night. Lately a lot of my nights have been restless. I can't really say I'm stressed out about school and my grades, cuz hey, it is what it is. I think it moreso has to do with anticipation of the future, specifically the next coming weeks and months. I have so much to do and plan for...I dunno. Then I'm always thinking about him, and what he's doing, and what he's thinking about, and why I can't be where he is.

I need something to happen between us stat. Some words of encouragement to be exchanged or something....I just want to talk to him. I returned his phone call last night to get NOTHING and then sent him a text message and got NOTHING. Last time this happened the end results were not pretty, he was back with his ex and I thought we would never be cool again.

Is it normal to care about somebody, but feel like you shouldn't care because of extinuating circumstances? I feel that way sometimes when it comes to him. I, in some way, feel WRONG for liking him because of who his best friend is, who his cousin is...I mean, I feel like there is some unspoken tension between me and his best friend, who I consider a friend, but after some stuff went down with the previously mentioned incident, I don't think things will ever be the same.

People care about LOYALTY...and in most cases it's all in who you've known longer. I believe that depending on the situation, yes that logica is relevant, but in matters of the heart, it shouldn't be. You can't help who you love, or in my case, like... ...
If I could flick a switch and not care about him anymore, I wouldn't flick it. I feel like if folks can't be happy for us if we end up together then they were never friends to either one of us to begin with.

I feel like I have so much to tell him, but we're in that phase now that I usually get in with most guys I talk to. It's like we're calling each other now, but have no conversation, really. We've practically talked about EVERYTHING under the sun, avoiding deep discussion of relationships, marriage, and children. But now it's like awkward silence 47% of the time :-(. I don't know what to do, but it's nothing new, I guess.

I just want him to be happy, that's all. But I'd love it if he could be happy with me. Yeah we live far apart from each other...but "ain't no mountain high enough"...ya know? I somehow wish he could read this blog, understand my feelings and tell me how he feels. Cuz I don't know...or maybe I do, I just want to hear him say it. But he often does not give me what I want...I have to in some way work for it...he doesn't spoon-feed me compliments, or boost me up. I was so surprised when he complimented me on my pink dress I wore to the Alpha probate. He said i looked, "sexy". I wish he coulda seen the look on my face!

But that's the thing. He truly doesn't know how he makes me feel, and I guess he wo't know unless I tell him, but I just don't know the words to say. My BIGGEST problem is that I'm afraid of losing him, and I don't want to scare him away...what to do?

I know if I never tell him how I feel I will lose him eventually...tried that worked, but it didn't. Guess I can say it got my foot in the door. But when it's all said and done....does he want I want him....FOR REAL?