Friday, April 3, 2009

The Thrill is GOne...but another one COmeth

It's been gone for a long time. He was a rebound, and I was just way too afraid to admit it. I didn't want him to know that a rebound is what he is/was to me...not saying that our relationship couldn't have blossomed into something wonderful, but it didn't. I wasn't ready for a relationship...with him, and he wasn't ready for me.

The one who I want to be ready to be with me is somewhere in North or South Carolina...I forget...I might see him in 3 or 4 months...but by then, a lot will be different.

I am moving into my first real apartment with a soror of mine on the first of May!!!! I am so excited! Talk about "Miss Independent" and "She Got Her Own"...but aside from me being able to pay my own bills...I don't want to be Miss Independent...I am in need...of companionship and love from a MAN...not a little boy pretending to be a man.

I try not to let my situation from last year with ole boy interfer with my here and now...but point.blank.period...I let the new dude know that I was ready for the real deal...his lack of interest and communication when HE GOT ME was, "turnin me off" the words of Keri Hilson.

See, what he didn't know, but I've always guessed about myself, is that I get bored with dudes easily, especially if we don't really have that strong of a connection. That's why dudes who are actual FRIENDS first usually last longer with me. I don't know if that's because they know how to deal with me, how to keep me interested...or what?

But the new dude...hmph...I could give a laundry list of things I think he needs to work on...but I won't go there,because I'm not about pointing out the faults of a jilted lover...anymore (cuz you know I did it with ole dude)...but I'm done...I'm trying to focus on why I DEADED the situation...

Because he still wants to be with me...but...

I just don't want it. And I can't and won't force myself to fall for him again. He should have builded on the connection we had from the start and made it strong. Instead, I was ignored and neglected until it was convenient for him to communicate with me...Oops, there I go...

But yeah, I just don't see it working out. My patience is thin (already) for guys younger than me. The only "younger" dude who will ever get a second chance if God warrants it, is THAT BOY (hopefully MAN, now). I have been let down on countless occasions by guys who were not on my level mentally and emotionally. I always got hurt in the process.

The difference with my situation today is that I probably messed the new guy up, might have even broken his heart...I sure hope not, because not much time was vested into the relationship. Who am I to judge how quickly someone falls in love, though? But real talk...with me...I'm his prototype...I think I'm everything that dude wants in a future wife/soulmate. He's just not ready to deal with someone of my caliber (not tooting my own horn, just stating that we are on two different levels, ALL TOGETHER). I'm the kind of love that he seeks in a relationship, I possess the understanding and maturity, the patience... I got it all...BUT he's not ready and still into playing childish games (phone-tag)...

I'm ready for the real mom was married at the age I am now...yes, things have changed, BUT DAMN! I should have stayed with Zay...*thinking* NO the hell, I shouldn't have...but had I, I would have been knocked up and working on child #2...

Anyhoo...quick anecdote. So I was talking to the guy the other day. He called me first, I was unable to answer so I called him back a couple of minutes later. We talked for a minute, but then I told him I had to go (I was in the middle of handling important business). So we get off the phone and I immediately get a text from him saying something to the effect of, "I want to fall in love with you so badly, but I'm just so afraid". I told him that neither one of us are ready for that...especially with EACH OTHER. He replied, "We could have been, but I feel like you don't care". I was like WTF, and said (basically) that the initial connection between us had been lost and that I was in no mood to fight to re-establish it (cuz it would have been feeble attempt #4), and that I could not force myself to start liking him again....

He did not respond...just cut the conversation off just like that (not fighting for that "love" he wants AT ALL)...and that was the end of it, but I didn't care, I was like "Oh well". But since I had told him I would call him back later, I kept my word and did just that. It was around 12:30am...I called and he didn't answer...(which would often happen). 3 WHOLE days go by without him returning my call (remember, I was just tryna keep my word, but I kept this in mind because he tried to throw some shit up in my face about me not calling him the previous week).

So Thursday morning, at 3am, I'm lying wide awake thinking about ole dude. Not so much on a romantic sense, but just wondering how basic training is treating him. And well to be totally honest, I'm still not over him..completely... I get a little emotional, and that Whitney Houston song, "Why does it Hurt So bad" starts playing in my head. I start to shed a few tears. I rolled out of bed and signed onto facebook and changed my status message to read:
"Shy can't sleep...I miss him so much". Tell me why not 2 minutes later did new guy respond saying, "Tell him how you feel. He might feel the same way". HAHAHAHAHA!!! ROTFLMAO!!!

Then he proceeds to call my phone twice and left a voicemail after the last call...ummmm....... can call me when you ASSume that my status message is about YOU...but you couldn't return my fucking phone call when I was trying to reach out to you 4 days ago? HA! I wasn't even TALKING ABOUT HIM!!!! Is he really that oblivious, and full of himself, thinks he's king shit, and got it going on so much that my status would be about him when we haven't been on good terms for a WHOLE month, and I haven't heard from him in 3 days???

He is not the end-all and be-all of my relationships...I still think about a LOT of my past relationships...I recall the good and the bad. And the thing about me and ole dude is that we had history. We were friends FIRST...I've known him for almost 3 years, and from jump we I mean...of course I miss talking to him everyday and having so much in common...and laughing at his corny jokes, and listening to his stories....*sigh* the good (most of the time) outweighed the bad...and he had potential to be THE ONE, ya know...?

But yeah...that ends my anecdote...But I'm just like...was new dude really serious? I thought about returning his call...but what for? Call me hypocrytical, but I honestly have nothing to say to him, and I don't want to open up a can of worms. Telling him that my status was not about him, making up a lie to cover my ass...I mean, shit...I don't owe him ANYTHING!!! He's the one that wants to be in love "with me" so badly... I'm trying to do everything but spell it out for him that "I- DO-NOT-WANT-YOU"--you know...I'm trying to let him get it on his own...but it's not clicking. *sigh*

If he decides to call me again...which will be in the next week or so....maybe...then I will make sure he's clear on the finale' of our "relationship"...I can't keep up this sherade. Again, it wasn't fun while it lasted. He's a good dude, just not for me...not right now.

SO... in other news...haha...say a few prayers for me that I get a job so my place in the apartment will be secure!!!! God keeps blessing me, so I gotta stay open-minded about my options! Peace and blessings to you all!!!