*sigh*...so July has been one of those random months in my life where I'm completely stressed out and everything seems to be going wrong...I mean, family acting crazy, friends acting shady, close friend being hospitalized, the list goes on. But what seems to be bugging me the most out of those things mentioned, is the quality of the friendships I hold with some people.
I mean, for years, I have been able to call these people "friend", without any question or doubt in my mind, but I have begun to wonder..."are these people really here for me like I'm here for them, or like they say they're here for me?" Shit, I mean I give my last to a friend before I even think of giving something to a family member (sad, I know...but if u were in my family, you'd understand), and I naively expect the same in return, only to get a slap in the face, or ignored all-together. That shit really hurts. And as I've stated many times before, as I grow older I'm starting to figure out who my REAL friends are and who is really on my side for the long run.
I'm tired of muhfuccas in my life who only want to leech, and have me do for them, support their every endeavor, listen to their bitching and moaning and give my all for their cause. These same assholes could give two shits about my birthday, if I was sick and in pain, or if my grandma was somewhere laid up in a hospital...that's just my take on the situation. And it's sad, cuz I always give my last.
Well, my best friend of 16 years (yes we've been friends since the age of 3) has just been thru hell with a medical condition she has, and has had since she was 8 years old. In all of our years of friendship, we have only had maybe 2 fights (once over some literal elementary shit, and another time when we were starting to grow apart)...but even then they weren't fights, just disagreements. We went to the same school for 12 years and then ended up at different high schools, but still remained close. I was there for her graduation, and she was there for mine. We've helped each other thru the "boy problems", laughed, cried, shared secrets, and even went thru the loss of another close friend of ours (not a death, we just grew apart from this person).
But anyway, she's been sick for about a month and I get a call earlier this month from her, explaining that she had been hospitalized. My immediate thought was panic, but when she said she was okay I was relieved. She then proceeded to tell me that she had made a point to call all her "friends" she thought would like to know she was in the hospital. I said, "you better than me" because I would have had my mom do it, or not have done it at all...but anyhoo...so we talk and catch up, and I say good night. (This is a Friday night)
The next day was my uncle's (who I am severly disenchanted with at this time) wedding, family had come in from out of town and everything...oh this event was gonna be bougie as HELL...but I digress. I speak with my bf's mom and let her know that if they were going to the hospital on Sunday (she was at a hospital in another city), to let me know so I could ride up with them and visit her. She said cool...
The wedding comes and goes and Sunday gets here. My bf's parents decide that they are tired and are not going up after all. My bf was furious at her parents, because she said they knew she was lonely and they knew they weren't coming up when they had talked to her earlier that day...why wait til 8pm to drop the bomb? We talk a little that night and I let her get her rest.
Fast foward to the end of the week...My bf was supposed to be getting out that Wednesday, but they keep her in because she has a new IV. I called her frequently throughout the time she was there, just to let her know someone was thinking about her. Well, one day, I'm talking to her and she sounds so sad...I ask..."has so-and-so called to check on you?" She replies dryly, "NO". And it is at this point I am shocked and appalled. My bf shoots off all of the names of these so called "close friends" who did not even pick up the phone and dial her number once while she was in the hospital...Including her boy friend (they had just broken up). I was not expecting people to be so nonchalant about a good friend of theirs being in the hospital...it made me sad and mad...
Fast foward to this past Saturday, I'm at my bf's house for a visit. And she enlightens me on some things. We were talking about how "X-amount" of people didn't call her, namely a few good friends and a guy back at school who was interested in her. Then she said these words, "Girl, some of my own family didn't even call me while I was in the hospital, so what makes me think friends would do any better?...we've got to stop expecting people to do for us what we would do for them...everybody ain't like us". I was still mad, but she was right. I mean, my mama had BEEN saying this very thing, but it took my best friend, fresh out the hospital and trying to recuperate, to let me know the real deal. It always takes several reminders from people I trust in order for me to understand a concept like that. Call me slow, but meh....
But what I'm trying to get at, is that I've broken my pockets, my back, my dreams, my promises to family, and my spirit, for some of these so-called friends, and I'm tired of doing that. I think back to my 19th birthday, and how a few of these "friends" conveniently forgot I existed. But BOY, when their born-day came around, did they have their hands out or what?! That's what I'm saying. And it's easy to say, "Well just stop hanging with them then" or "Cut they ass loose" or "Fuck em, move on" But actually doing that is the hard part. When you have known someone for 6+ years, you begin to get close to them and they actually become an esential part of your life, whether it be good or bad. And sometimes we just choose to deal. It's synonomous to an abusive relationship. You want to leave, but sometimes it's much more easier said than done.
I mean, for years, I have been able to call these people "friend", without any question or doubt in my mind, but I have begun to wonder..."are these people really here for me like I'm here for them, or like they say they're here for me?" Shit, I mean I give my last to a friend before I even think of giving something to a family member (sad, I know...but if u were in my family, you'd understand), and I naively expect the same in return, only to get a slap in the face, or ignored all-together. That shit really hurts. And as I've stated many times before, as I grow older I'm starting to figure out who my REAL friends are and who is really on my side for the long run.
I'm tired of muhfuccas in my life who only want to leech, and have me do for them, support their every endeavor, listen to their bitching and moaning and give my all for their cause. These same assholes could give two shits about my birthday, if I was sick and in pain, or if my grandma was somewhere laid up in a hospital...that's just my take on the situation. And it's sad, cuz I always give my last.
Well, my best friend of 16 years (yes we've been friends since the age of 3) has just been thru hell with a medical condition she has, and has had since she was 8 years old. In all of our years of friendship, we have only had maybe 2 fights (once over some literal elementary shit, and another time when we were starting to grow apart)...but even then they weren't fights, just disagreements. We went to the same school for 12 years and then ended up at different high schools, but still remained close. I was there for her graduation, and she was there for mine. We've helped each other thru the "boy problems", laughed, cried, shared secrets, and even went thru the loss of another close friend of ours (not a death, we just grew apart from this person).
But anyway, she's been sick for about a month and I get a call earlier this month from her, explaining that she had been hospitalized. My immediate thought was panic, but when she said she was okay I was relieved. She then proceeded to tell me that she had made a point to call all her "friends" she thought would like to know she was in the hospital. I said, "you better than me" because I would have had my mom do it, or not have done it at all...but anyhoo...so we talk and catch up, and I say good night. (This is a Friday night)
The next day was my uncle's (who I am severly disenchanted with at this time) wedding, family had come in from out of town and everything...oh this event was gonna be bougie as HELL...but I digress. I speak with my bf's mom and let her know that if they were going to the hospital on Sunday (she was at a hospital in another city), to let me know so I could ride up with them and visit her. She said cool...
The wedding comes and goes and Sunday gets here. My bf's parents decide that they are tired and are not going up after all. My bf was furious at her parents, because she said they knew she was lonely and they knew they weren't coming up when they had talked to her earlier that day...why wait til 8pm to drop the bomb? We talk a little that night and I let her get her rest.
Fast foward to the end of the week...My bf was supposed to be getting out that Wednesday, but they keep her in because she has a new IV. I called her frequently throughout the time she was there, just to let her know someone was thinking about her. Well, one day, I'm talking to her and she sounds so sad...I ask..."has so-and-so called to check on you?" She replies dryly, "NO". And it is at this point I am shocked and appalled. My bf shoots off all of the names of these so called "close friends" who did not even pick up the phone and dial her number once while she was in the hospital...Including her boy friend (they had just broken up). I was not expecting people to be so nonchalant about a good friend of theirs being in the hospital...it made me sad and mad...
Fast foward to this past Saturday, I'm at my bf's house for a visit. And she enlightens me on some things. We were talking about how "X-amount" of people didn't call her, namely a few good friends and a guy back at school who was interested in her. Then she said these words, "Girl, some of my own family didn't even call me while I was in the hospital, so what makes me think friends would do any better?...we've got to stop expecting people to do for us what we would do for them...everybody ain't like us". I was still mad, but she was right. I mean, my mama had BEEN saying this very thing, but it took my best friend, fresh out the hospital and trying to recuperate, to let me know the real deal. It always takes several reminders from people I trust in order for me to understand a concept like that. Call me slow, but meh....
But what I'm trying to get at, is that I've broken my pockets, my back, my dreams, my promises to family, and my spirit, for some of these so-called friends, and I'm tired of doing that. I think back to my 19th birthday, and how a few of these "friends" conveniently forgot I existed. But BOY, when their born-day came around, did they have their hands out or what?! That's what I'm saying. And it's easy to say, "Well just stop hanging with them then" or "Cut they ass loose" or "Fuck em, move on" But actually doing that is the hard part. When you have known someone for 6+ years, you begin to get close to them and they actually become an esential part of your life, whether it be good or bad. And sometimes we just choose to deal. It's synonomous to an abusive relationship. You want to leave, but sometimes it's much more easier said than done.
Well, enough is enough....here is what my myspace "About Me" section reads: I'm at the point in my life where I'm tired of the bull shit and I'm tired of sugar-coating shit just so folks won't get their feelings hurt. I've come to realize that 9/10 the same folks don't give a shit about my feelings or what I want. I will say that I want positive, happy, and intelligent people in my life, not wannabe's who think that they are grown because they can stay out all night, smoke, drink, fuck, and the like. Doing these activities do not MAKE you grown because children can do all of that shit too if given the opportunity. I like people who are about change and action, who like to make a difference in their community, on their campus, in their city, and/or in their neighborhood. I don' discriminate against religions, although I am a Christian (Baptist) and prefer to keep it that way. I just need friends that are real and ABOUT SOMETHING!! "If you don't stand for something, you're bound to fall for anything"!
And with that folks, I'm out! Shouts out to my bffs CT, QT aka Bacon Bit, and my dawg4lyfe, BJ!!!!
Me and CT (@ her apartment)
Me and BJ (@ school--Declaration Day)
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