Friday, May 15, 2009


I am just utterly disgusted at myself for feeling this way. I haven't been able to sleep for the past two nights...thinking and reminiscing on the past...dreaming, wishing, and hoping for the future...I can't seem to get rid of these emotions, and my only excuse is that I dealt with dude for a year...A year and some change dealing with the same person, and actually caring deeply for them is not something easily let go of...I'm confused and I don't know what to do...

I have dreams of me going to his basic training graduation, with a cute little green and white dress on, some cute heels, my hair flowing down my back and a gift for him in my hand. He looks surprised to see me, and asks, "How'd you get up here?" really not expecting me to be there. "I drove" would be my reply with a smirk on my face...I'd hand him his gift and give him a hug...then I'd be pushed to the background to let other family and friends congratulate him on his huge accomplishment. He's going farther than his daddy ever did, and for that I know he's proud. And I'm proud too...

He'd ask me if I want to go to dinner with them. I'd oblige. I'd sit in the midst of his family and loved ones, and all eyes would be on him...and me...She would be there too...pregnant, maybe with his child(hopefully not), but no one would care. Compliments would shower me. "Why aren't you and Ant togther?" one would ask. "Y'all would make such a cute couple" another would chime in. I'd blush and keep quiet...He'd probably say nothing as well. She would make some smart remark, but a family member, perhaps his grandma would shut her ass down.

He'd glance longlingly at me, a faint smile crossing his lips. I'd meet his gaze and smile back. My cousin would call telling me it's time to go. I'd take my leave...his mom standing up to hug me and kiss me on the cheek. "I hope to see you again" she would say. I'd wave good bye to his niece whom I simply adore, and bid farewell to the rest. He'd be standing all the while and follow me out of the door.

We'd stand outside, face to face. The wind would blow ever so slightly. "Well..." I'd reach for a hug and he would meet me with a full embrace. "Thanks for coming". "Of course!" I'd smile sweetly at him, but inside my heart would long....."I'm so proud of you!" I'd touch his face. "Well, I gotta go. See you later, keep in touch. Don't forget me..." is what I'd say, and then I'd get in the car and drive off....him watching as the car pulled off to its journey.

I wonder if this experience has changed him any? I wonder. I think I'm in love with him. My heart is telling me I am. My mind and body are too. But so much doubt has crept in and clouded my view. I loved him. I would do most anything for him. And all I want is for him to be ultimately, happy. And he knows this for I've told him several times. Our friendship doesn't mean anything if he's not happy.

There was a time where I wanted to be the one to make him happy, the one to make him smile and want to come home. I wanted to give him the world. Every feminine fiber in my being that I could muster up to give him undeniable pleasure...I was ready. I wanted to prove to him my worth. I wanted to love him, and be loved by him. But somehow I fell short.

I refused to believe that I couldn't MAKE him fall in love. I didn't want to believe that it was a process and that it either happened or it didn't. I believe in fairy tales and happy endings, and I choose to believe that when your mind and heart are in sync and they tell you to love a person, that you do just that. And that's all your will allows you to do.

School work---of no consequence, and I suffered for it. But nothing could compare to the joy--constant joy he brought me on most nights. I loved him....and he didn't even know it. Hell, I don't think I even knew until about a couple of weeks ago.

He is the one that single handedly made me smile, laugh, dance, cry, feel giddy, think on a spiritual and philosophical level. He helped me gain common sense, he helped me to be more tough. He taught me a lot about myself, and for that alone, I am indebted. I wanted to give him everything.

But now I see I fall very short. I can't undo what time has done. How distances have favored another over me. How shared experiences with her are of no comparison to mine...I just don't measure up. Plus I want committment...a promise of fidelity, or at least monogamy...

I am honestly myself for not being all that he wants or needs. I am upset at him for not looking past the front gate to see what's outside of the fence. I am mad at her for capitalizing on that shit!

But to be honest, who's to say he hasn't left both our asses alone? You know what I found out? Her's and my birthdays are exactly a day apart, and who's to say a whole 24 hours? To know that this girl shares my same sun sign...well let's just say, I'm not thrilled.

But it made me think. Shit, if it didn't work with her, then how is it gonna work with me???? Maybe we're all just TOO different...

I still know though, that my willingness to sacrifice for him, and to prove myself to him is far greater than any pleasure he received from her sexually. And I am 116% sure that with a little guidance, my shit would be better than hers. I just need to be clear on what he likes and what he doesn't like. Her experience in the bed may be that of a pro--yeah I may be virginal (no penetration)---BUT---I want to give

Was reading this novella tonight titled, "Satisfy Me"....the main female character was a 22 year old virgin. A year older than myself. Something she said in the book struck a chord with me. I remember going back to campus with B almost 2 years ago. We were coming from the mall and talking about first times. I told her then that I wanted her best friend to be my first. She wasn't necessarily for or against it, because at the time I believe she wanted to protect BOTH of us from getting hurt. She asked me why....Just as the main character in that novella had stated, I answered, "Because I trust him".

To this day he is the only guy I've been intimate with.......I knew I wanted to experience my firsts with him because I trusted him, I felt comfortable around him, and I knew he knew what he was doing! As the year progressed and 2008 came under way, I was fully head-over-heels....*sigh*

We've been through a lot. But he (and others) are probably thinking that what we've endured doesn't even scratch the surface of what him and that girl went through...but ask me if I care? AND DON'T!!

What I'd ultimately like to happen is, he realizes that I am all he needs in a woman. We can help make each other that "all in all". I want him to let go of the past and look to the future...which Capricorn is best for you?

But....just as I discovered that cold day in February...if he doesn't choose me, I shouldn't dismay. It might be that it just wasn't meant to be. They always come back, anyway...once they realize their mistake. Problem may be too late...

When it's all said and done, though, I want that man to be happy. That's all I want is happiness for his life. And that along with a piece of my heart is all that I can give him right now...