True Feelings

I just needed somewhere to get this out that is not facebook. This brand of honesty is not ready for facebook yet...forgive me for not starting this month off "right" or whatever that might mean, but I have to do this...

I am literally and utterly sick to my stomach. What started out as picture-perfect, unbelievable and truly a blessing has ended up being something that has potentially damaged my heart even more, and in effect caused me to have EVEN more trust issues with guys. When will this sick cycle end? When will guys STOP coming into my life, just to see what they can get, then dip if I give the wrong answer.

I have been through some weird shit within the past 2 wks, and it’s crazy, because I haven’t been in a situation like this since when it didn’t matter…and now that it’s happening again, it’s been so long that I don’t know how to deal.

First things first, however. So it all starts out with a facebook message in mid-October. The young man sending me the message happens to be someone I’d admired from afar ALL freshman year. I told myself, “It’s something about him, but he’s too damn good for me.” Little did I know just how GOOD he was. I fell deep and hard for him, because he was (and still IS) the epitome of what I wanted in a man: sexy, educated, well-rounded, responsible, funny, and most of all, a Christian. I just knew he would bring out the “woman” in me if you will. I just knew it.

We’d talk on the computer about random stuff, and then one day he made a comment which prompted me to ask for his number, which he freely gave. He got mine and that was that. I texted him once, he texted back but by then, the message was irrelevant and since that day I haven’t really spoken to him. I sent him a message on his birthday, to which he replied that he had been SUPA busy and hadn’t had much of a birthday, and then…I didn’t hear from him again.

I don’t know what to make of the situation. Should I just take it as he’s no longer interested, or should I continue to try to squeeze something, anything out of him in resemblance to an explanation? He just crossed Kappa. I sent him a message of Congratulations. No reply.



So in the meantime and between time, I cultivated minute feelings for a friend into a huge crush. And since I have always felt so comfortable around him, I got the “smart” idea to tell him. OMG…I wish I would have kept my damn mouth closed now. I didn’t know. But anyway, long story short, cuz there’s really nothing to tell at this point: He’s also SUPA busy with stuff he’s doing so he hasn’t been able to call or say much to me over the computer. Thinking about it, and how I just told him how I felt (and really got no solid response) hurts my heart and makes me want to cry. No one understands…not even the Baby.

Yeah, then there’s the Baby…all I will say about him is that he’s a GREAT friend, but lately I feel like he’s hiding something from me. Like he’s not telling me the truth. When I first started talking to him, he was very open and gave me GREAT advice, and he’s only 18…I’ll be 20 in a bout a month. His words seemed wise beyond his years and well-thought out. Fast forward to this week…and he is very short with me on the computer (which is where we talk about this stuff), and very loving and sweet in person. He warms my heart and offers a nice distraction from the other two.


This leads me to this point. I keep telling my Baby that I’m really hurt by what so-and-so did….he hurt me and so on. I keep telling him that, not knowing if I’m being truthful or not. It’s not until I actually sit down and think about it, about my situations that I truly start to feel bad, sad, miserable, and depressed. I choke on a few tears; pieces of my heart seem to crumble to the bottom of my empty stomach. I can’t eat for real these days…not much of an appetite I guess. And no, it’s not healthy, but it’s the only way I can deal right now. I pray about it though. I NEED to take it to the WORD…praying is not enough. I looked at 1 Corinthians 2:9 again today, and I just can’t help but think God has something TERRIFIC in store for me coming in the near future. Brittni and my mama claimed it, and out of all the people who give me advice, I trust them the most. I really do. Brittni has a certain spirit about her that leaves her to be objective, to think of all possibilities and angles of the situation without immediately getting emotionally attached to a situation that does not belong to her. I love her to death and it was meant for us to be friends all along.

But yeah, so with a heavy heart, I sit and wonder. I mean, people can say, “Just put it in God’s hands”…and for the most part I have. But God only helps those who help themselves, hence why I keep trying to communicate with the Kappa and told the other guy that I liked him. I keep my options open and I take advantage of opportunities as they arise. I’m just waiting on the opportunity to love someone and have them love me back.

It gets so lonely, and for the 1500th time, I don’t want a relationship. I just want a “friend”, and people with mature minds know what I mean…that “official boo”…he’s not my man (technically), but he’s always there when I need him for WHATEVER and vice versa, he’s cool with my fam and I with his, there for support in all aspects of each other’s life, respecting whatever physical boundaries have been placed…but ultimately no title…Just an intense and intimate friendship—that has the potential to be much more. But baby steps first right?

AND THAT’S ALL I’VE BEEN DOING!! But I can’t seem to make it past step 3. So now what? Mama said I should just not worry about it. It’s the holidays and negros actin funny cuz they don’t wanna buy Christmas gifts. I KNOW none of these guys well enough to be purchasing gifts for them…it’s not even that serious, so I mean, I see what mama is saying, but her logic is hella flawed. I just think one got tired of me, one is too busy for me, and the other one just doesn’t get it, and would be too busy for me.

So at this point, my romantic situation is at a stand still. Lately I’ve been making all the moves, and taking charge…which is something I’ve never had to do before. Telling dude I liked him felt good, but waiting on him to call me back for 3 days after I’d call him was not fun! And all that other jazz…

And then there’s the question of: what if they all start acting right?
I have the answer: I would choose the Kappa. And I have my reasons.

I told the guy I liked him because he is my friend, has been for a full year, and the crush that had recently developed, was weighing heavy on my heart and mind, and I felt like he should know that his homegirl has a crush on him. To which he responded, “We need to get to know each other…I know you, but I don’t know you.” Which I understand and accept…but again, no moves have been made on his part…

The ball is in their court. I’ve already served. I’m tired…and I’m tired of my heart cracking under all this pressure.

I need a break, I need my family. I even called my cuz (something I RARELY ever do) to tell her I miss her, cuz I do…See what romantic problems do for a girl (me) in relation to her family? Knowing them, they’d want this type of shit to happen to me more often…but naw, like I said, I’m through pursuing. I knew it was something that I never wanted to do, but still I was forced to, and it isn’t a walk in the park. But I guess in every girl’s life, there comes a time when she has to venture out and see if she can get a man, instead of the other way around, ya know. It was so easy back in 9th grade. All I had to do was look and smile at a nigga and I had em in the palm of my hand. That still works…to a degree…but instead of them being in my hand, they just return the smile or glance and expect me to do all the work. Whatever…I’m through. I’m done. I wash my hands of this bull shit. What ever will be will be…seriously. If you want to talk to me, you have my number, you know how and where to reach me.

--DEUCE!