Forebidden Fruit

So...long story short, I have a crush on this guy who is more or less forebidden fruit. See, as long as I can remember, I've had this rule where if one of my friends (and even in some cases associates) dates a guy, then he is off limits to me. Now there are terms and conditions, but that's the basic gist of the rule.

Well, my crush is the ex of a friend of mine....and they broke up maybe almost a year ago, but my friend is still in love with this man.........so........

But the thing is, he told a mutual friend there was no way he and his ex were getting back together...that it just wouldn't work. Then he told her that he thought I was kinda cute and that I was "thick" and asked her if I was friends with his ex. The friend changed the subject...

Now...this dude is pretty much the total package. I won't get into his credentials, but he is. And he is soooooo handsome, like he has this boyish quality about him. AND HE HAS DIMPLES and I LOVE DIMPLES....especially on my men!!!

He would be perfect for me, had he not already been with someone who I consider a friend. I respect my friend far too much to tread on dangerous territory and risk our friendship over a guy. Now, if he and I become friends and develop something from that, and we fall in love with each other...now that can't be helped, and somewhere in her heart I'd hope she would understand.

Either way, it's a touchy subject....he is so fine.....damn!!!

So as I turn in to bed tonight, Imma say a special prayer for him cuz he got in a lil situation. I hope he is okay.

Signing off....

*side note*

My prophyte A.O. is my f'in shero!!! I love you, Soror!!!!

Oh Yeah...(Randomness)

And remember how I told y'all i shouldn't make drinking a habit because I have an addictive personality??!


Well, let's just say I'm well on my way to becoming an alcoholic. This is essentially a cry for help...so take it like you wanna.

Question Is....Are virgins NOT the bizness anymore??!?

Hopefully this will prove to be a regular segment on STG, but who knows. Life is very sporadic these days, although chock full of drama...

Anywhoo...guess who came back into my life a couple of weeks ago? See previous post. Things didn't go like I had hoped and imagined they would. THAT GIRL was there at his basic training graduation in full effect, like I suspected...whatevs....he got his shit (cell phone, etc) back so now he can make phone calls. He called twice last weekend...

Dude, I just don't know anymore. There is no stand-still...there is no nothing between he and I. We are just friends (especially in his eyes) and I should just accept that shit and move on...

In an attempt to strike conversation last night (we were texting), I asked his opinion on a topic me and some of my homeboys were talking about. They were saying that dudes don't want to fuck with a virgin AT ALL if they don't have to...(basic gist--meaning relationship and/or sex)

I asked what he thought...if he felt like this was true. I said this:

"I remember when virgins used to be hot commodities. Do y'all just not want to deal with them (us)?"

He said:

"Sexually yes. Emotionally no."



It spoke volumes to me, but...WTF does that mean? I didn't ask, because I don't want him to think that I care. But he really just killed my hopes of us being together anytime soon and him being my first. SOMEBODY has to endure the "emotions" that come with a virgin, or else she will be one for the rest of her life. Whatever happened to a guy thinking that you are so special that he WANTS to be your first? I understand that he doesn't want the drama...but, shit! He basically told me in so many words that he doesn't want to deal with me because of my virginal status...I will admit that I tried to get him to commit to me before I would give him the pussy (and it failed), but am I wrong for wanting my first time to be special and the fruition of a committed relationship? Guess so. In his defense, maybe I'm SOOOOO special that he doesn't want to hurt me...doesn't want to be the cause of any emotional distress I might experience after the fact. He doesn't want to be the face behind my regrets (if I have any)...maybe that's what it is.

My emotions fucked me up that night. His whole demeanor changed after I told him that the pussy was for committed situations only. I sensed that shit immediately.

Emotionally, virgins (maybe even the girl who's virginity you took) can be unstable and clingy. I know that I wanted to give myself to him...first, if not forever. I know that I didn't plan on sharing him after that...you know? Guess he still tryna sew his royal oats. Can't fault him, cuz he's still hella young.

I just pray he doesn't come around after I've lost my virginity to someone else, looking for a second chance. Not only will I be a beast in the bedroom, but also a cold, heartless, calculating, CNB-attitude....bitch!

He don't wanna see me!

OUT

p.s. future posts such as these will be short and to the point with question and responses.

...

I am just utterly disgusted at myself for feeling this way. I haven't been able to sleep for the past two nights...thinking and reminiscing on the past...dreaming, wishing, and hoping for the future...I can't seem to get rid of these emotions, and my only excuse is that I dealt with dude for a year...A year and some change dealing with the same person, and actually caring deeply for them is not something easily let go of...I'm confused and I don't know what to do...

I have dreams of me going to his basic training graduation, with a cute little green and white dress on, some cute heels, my hair flowing down my back and a gift for him in my hand. He looks surprised to see me, and asks, "How'd you get up here?" really not expecting me to be there. "I drove" would be my reply with a smirk on my face...I'd hand him his gift and give him a hug...then I'd be pushed to the background to let other family and friends congratulate him on his huge accomplishment. He's going farther than his daddy ever did, and for that I know he's proud. And I'm proud too...

He'd ask me if I want to go to dinner with them. I'd oblige. I'd sit in the midst of his family and loved ones, and all eyes would be on him...and me...She would be there too...pregnant, maybe with his child(hopefully not), but no one would care. Compliments would shower me. "Why aren't you and Ant togther?" one would ask. "Y'all would make such a cute couple" another would chime in. I'd blush and keep quiet...He'd probably say nothing as well. She would make some smart remark, but a family member, perhaps his grandma would shut her ass down.

He'd glance longlingly at me, a faint smile crossing his lips. I'd meet his gaze and smile back. My cousin would call telling me it's time to go. I'd take my leave...his mom standing up to hug me and kiss me on the cheek. "I hope to see you again" she would say. I'd wave good bye to his niece whom I simply adore, and bid farewell to the rest. He'd be standing all the while and follow me out of the door.

We'd stand outside, face to face. The wind would blow ever so slightly. "Well..." I'd reach for a hug and he would meet me with a full embrace. "Thanks for coming". "Of course!" I'd smile sweetly at him, but inside my heart would long....."I'm so proud of you!" I'd touch his face. "Well, I gotta go. See you later, keep in touch. Don't forget me..." is what I'd say, and then I'd get in the car and drive off....him watching as the car pulled off to its journey.

I wonder if this experience has changed him any? I wonder. I think I'm in love with him. My heart is telling me I am. My mind and body are too. But so much doubt has crept in and clouded my view. I loved him. I would do most anything for him. And all I want is for him to be ultimately, happy. And he knows this for I've told him several times. Our friendship doesn't mean anything if he's not happy.

There was a time where I wanted to be the one to make him happy, the one to make him smile and want to come home. I wanted to give him the world. Every feminine fiber in my being that I could muster up to give him undeniable pleasure...I was ready. I wanted to prove to him my worth. I wanted to love him, and be loved by him. But somehow I fell short.

I refused to believe that I couldn't MAKE him fall in love. I didn't want to believe that it was a process and that it either happened or it didn't. I believe in fairy tales and happy endings, and I choose to believe that when your mind and heart are in sync and they tell you to love a person, that you do just that. And that's all your will allows you to do.

School work---of no consequence, and I suffered for it. But nothing could compare to the joy--constant joy he brought me on most nights. I loved him....and he didn't even know it. Hell, I don't think I even knew until about a couple of weeks ago.

He is the one that single handedly made me smile, laugh, dance, cry, feel giddy, think on a spiritual and philosophical level. He helped me gain common sense, he helped me to be more tough. He taught me a lot about myself, and for that alone, I am indebted. I wanted to give him everything.

But now I see I fall short...so very short. I can't undo what time has done. How distances have favored another over me. How shared experiences with her are of no comparison to mine...I just don't measure up. Plus I want committment...a promise of fidelity, or at least monogamy...

I am honestly upset...at myself for not being all that he wants or needs. I am upset at him for not looking past the front gate to see what's outside of the fence. I am mad at her for capitalizing on that shit!

But to be honest, who's to say he hasn't left both our asses alone? You know what I found out? Her's and my birthdays are exactly a day apart, and who's to say a whole 24 hours? To know that this girl shares my same sun sign...well let's just say, I'm not thrilled.

But it made me think. Shit, if it didn't work with her, then how is it gonna work with me???? Maybe we're all just TOO different...

I still know though, that my willingness to sacrifice for him, and to prove myself to him is far greater than any pleasure he received from her sexually. And I am 116% sure that with a little guidance, my shit would be better than hers. I just need to be clear on what he likes and what he doesn't like. Her experience in the bed may be that of a pro--yeah I may be virginal (no penetration)---BUT---I want to give him...me.

Was reading this novella tonight titled, "Satisfy Me"....the main female character was a 22 year old virgin. A year older than myself. Something she said in the book struck a chord with me. I remember going back to campus with B almost 2 years ago. We were coming from the mall and talking about first times. I told her then that I wanted her best friend to be my first. She wasn't necessarily for or against it, because at the time I believe she wanted to protect BOTH of us from getting hurt. She asked me why....Just as the main character in that novella had stated, I answered, "Because I trust him".

To this day he is the only guy I've been intimate with.......I knew I wanted to experience my firsts with him because I trusted him, I felt comfortable around him, and I knew he knew what he was doing! As the year progressed and 2008 came under way, I was fully head-over-heels....*sigh*

We've been through a lot. But he (and others) are probably thinking that what we've endured doesn't even scratch the surface of what him and that girl went through...but ask me if I care? AND DON'T!!

What I'd ultimately like to happen is, he realizes that I am all he needs in a woman. We can help make each other that "all in all". I want him to let go of the past and look to the future...which Capricorn is best for you?

But....just as I discovered that cold day in February...if he doesn't choose me, I shouldn't dismay. It might be that it just wasn't meant to be. They always come back, anyway...once they realize their mistake. Problem is...it may be too late...

When it's all said and done, though, I want that man to be happy. That's all I want is happiness for his life. And that along with a piece of my heart is all that I can give him right now...

Sometimes I be thinkin...Blogger Edition Pt. 1--AM I MY HAIR??!?!

SO, I did this thing on facebook a couple of days ago, where I posted my random thoughts for the past previous days...pretty cool responses from my tagged friends. Seems like I've been thinking what a lot of other people have been thinking...at one time or another. In any event, this week has been one of INCREDIBLY LOW LOWS for me...(did I mention I feel like I'm being bitten by fleas as I type this?).

I had a hair crisis a few days ago...I went crazy, blacked out and started taking down my perfectly good kinky twists for no reason at all. I was SOOOOO gorgeous with them. Plus I KNEW I had a big week coming up and a probate to attend...still, something in me snapped and I started taking down my hair.

Now, for those of you who don't know...I was planning on going natural and was/still am in the transition stage. About 1/3 of my hair is natural, the other part is still permed...TRUST ME WHEN I SAY THAT MY HAIR LOOKS A HOTT ASS MESS!!!

I cried...and cried, and was frustrated and scared, and angry, and shaking. I was mad at myself for not thinking before I acted. I was literally contemplating suicide! Now I know y'all are out there like, "Girl, it's just hair"...but Y'ALL! I'm at a cross roads in my life....I grew up with pretty hair (for the most part)...Up until last year, my hair was almost to the middle of my back. The night before my probate, my prophyte cut my hair...and it looked good...and it grew back...

But then, at the end of last year I started getting glue-ins (weaves), and y'all, REAL TALK, I think that beautician CUT my REAL HAIR!!! I have substantial evidence to back up my theory. Since I KNOW that he layered my real hair with the weave, I'm thinking that when he got ready to style (and it was already late in the night, both times), he was probably tired and didn't really take the time out to notice what was MINE and what was WEAVE, therefore cutting off MY HAIR and WEAVE...cuz when I took the shit out I noticed my hair was MUCH shorter than it had been before I started getting weaves. But I kept this to myself, and thought that maybe I was being paranoid...

Well here I stand, nearly 3 months since my last glue-in....scissors have not touched my head (to cut weave in a style) since then...and my hair is SHORTER THAN EVER! I LOOK LIKE A BALD-HEADED WANCH!! My hair doesn't even touch the nape of my neck anymore...

Now don't get me wrong, I haven't had a retouch in almost 4 months (if not longer), so I know that this could be some of the problem, but I still think my hair is seriously damaged. But I realized through my hair crisis that going natural is not for me. I think I got caught up in the hype...but real talk, it takes a strong, determined black woman to do this. AND...YOU GOT TO HAVE THE HEAD FOR THAT SHIT! I am not knocking my natural sisters, but this one girl walking around my campus either does not take a comb to her hair (brush, whatever) or her head is SERIOUSLY mishapen and she might want to consider a relaxer...

But no, I really am jealous of natural women, and one day, Imma get like y'all. I thought it would be cool to try it out in my college years, you know experiment...but I have too much going on in my life right now, and going NATURAL is a lifestyle change, one I'm not quite ready to make.

It would have been perfect for me, because I don't favor heat in my head, and I don't know how to do ANYTHING to my hair, but put it in a pony tail or wear it straight down. That's why hats are my friends and I look damn good in them. But man, yeah...I just had to share that.

My mama has ALWAYS told me (and apparently her mother told her this too), "Your hair is your glory"...boy do I believe that now. I felt like PURE-D-SHIT last night at that probate. My homeboys still treated me the same, everybody still loved me and spoke, but I felt ugly. Hair doesn't make you who you are, but I believe if it's looking right, it definitely gives you self-confidence!! I never want to feel this way about my hair again.

Maybe when I'm 50, retired, and busy writing my 3rd book will I sit down and actually take time out to become a NATURAL woman...Natural hair is beautiful and I envy the women strong enough to rock the locks (and the fro...I LOVE THE FRO!!!)...I dunno...Imma get there one day, ladies...and maybe I just needed some guidance, but I didn't have any...so I'm giving up and going back to hair crack on Tuesday. Don't hate me!

Cassie...HO! This is NOT OK!!!

All I got to say is WTF?!???!?!?!?! And I will repeat myself....STOP TRYING TO BE DIFFERENT, CUZ EVERYBODY AIN'T ABLE!!!!!

So....

My soror and friend La.v.ad.a put me on this dude's youtube channel from Montgomery. His name...is Mr. Grind, and he's pretty darn funny!! He has an alter ego named Rico, and I want to show y'all this video...ENJOY!



Those fake "tears" were killing me softly...can you imagine kissing this Rico dude? HA! and then at the end of the song he's like he don't give a got damn that he fell! REALLY?!?! Anyhoo!! Hope you enjoyed it! Happy Thursday!!!

The Thrill is GOne...but another one COmeth

It's been gone for a long time. He was a rebound, and I was just way too afraid to admit it. I didn't want him to know that a rebound is what he is/was to me...not saying that our relationship couldn't have blossomed into something wonderful, but it didn't. I wasn't ready for a relationship...with him, and he wasn't ready for me.

The one who I want to be ready to be with me is somewhere in North or South Carolina...I forget...I might see him in 3 or 4 months...but by then, a lot will be different.

I am moving into my first real apartment with a soror of mine on the first of May!!!! I am so excited! Talk about "Miss Independent" and "She Got Her Own"...but aside from me being able to pay my own bills...I don't want to be Miss Independent...I am in need...of companionship and love from a MAN...not a little boy pretending to be a man.

I try not to let my situation from last year with ole boy interfer with my here and now...but point.blank.period...I let the new dude know that I was ready for the real deal...his lack of interest and communication when HE GOT ME was, "turnin me off"...in the words of Keri Hilson.

See, what he didn't know, but I've always guessed about myself, is that I get bored with dudes easily, especially if we don't really have that strong of a connection. That's why dudes who are actual FRIENDS first usually last longer with me. I don't know if that's because they know how to deal with me, how to keep me interested...or what?

But the new dude...hmph...I could give a laundry list of things I think he needs to work on...but I won't go there,because I'm not about pointing out the faults of a jilted lover...anymore (cuz you know I did it with ole dude)...but I'm done...I'm trying to focus on why I DEADED the situation...

Because he still wants to be with me...but...

I just don't want it. And I can't and won't force myself to fall for him again. He should have builded on the connection we had from the start and made it strong. Instead, I was ignored and neglected until it was convenient for him to communicate with me...Oops, there I go...

But yeah, I just don't see it working out. My patience is thin (already) for guys younger than me. The only "younger" dude who will ever get a second chance if God warrants it, is THAT BOY (hopefully MAN, now). I have been let down on countless occasions by guys who were not on my level mentally and emotionally. I always got hurt in the process.

The difference with my situation today is that I probably messed the new guy up, might have even broken his heart...I sure hope not, because not much time was vested into the relationship. Who am I to judge how quickly someone falls in love, though? But real talk...with me...I'm his prototype...I think I'm everything that dude wants in a future wife/soulmate. He's just not ready to deal with someone of my caliber (not tooting my own horn, just stating that we are on two different levels, ALL TOGETHER). I'm the kind of love that he seeks in a relationship, I possess the understanding and maturity, the patience... I got it all...BUT he's not ready and still into playing childish games (phone-tag)...

I'm ready for the real deal...my mom was married at the age I am now...yes, things have changed, BUT DAMN! I should have stayed with Zay...*thinking* NO the hell, I shouldn't have...but had I, I would have been knocked up and working on child #2...

Anyhoo...quick anecdote. So I was talking to the guy the other day. He called me first, I was unable to answer so I called him back a couple of minutes later. We talked for a minute, but then I told him I had to go (I was in the middle of handling important business). So we get off the phone and I immediately get a text from him saying something to the effect of, "I want to fall in love with you so badly, but I'm just so afraid". I told him that neither one of us are ready for that...especially with EACH OTHER. He replied, "We could have been, but I feel like you don't care". I was like WTF, and said (basically) that the initial connection between us had been lost and that I was in no mood to fight to re-establish it (cuz it would have been feeble attempt #4), and that I could not force myself to start liking him again....

He did not respond...just cut the conversation off just like that (not fighting for that "love" he wants AT ALL)...and that was the end of it, but I didn't care, I was like "Oh well". But since I had told him I would call him back later, I kept my word and did just that. It was around 12:30am...I called and he didn't answer...(which would often happen). 3 WHOLE days go by without him returning my call (remember, I was just tryna keep my word, but I kept this in mind because he tried to throw some shit up in my face about me not calling him the previous week).

So Thursday morning, at 3am, I'm lying wide awake thinking about ole dude. Not so much on a romantic sense, but just wondering how basic training is treating him. And well to be totally honest, I'm still not over him..completely... I get a little emotional, and that Whitney Houston song, "Why does it Hurt So bad" starts playing in my head. I start to shed a few tears. I rolled out of bed and signed onto facebook and changed my status message to read:
"Shy can't sleep...I miss him so much". Tell me why not 2 minutes later did new guy respond saying, "Tell him how you feel. He might feel the same way". HAHAHAHAHA!!! ROTFLMAO!!!

Then he proceeds to call my phone twice and left a voicemail after the last call...ummmm.......

So....you can call me when you ASSume that my status message is about YOU...but you couldn't return my fucking phone call when I was trying to reach out to you 4 days ago? HA! I wasn't even TALKING ABOUT HIM!!!! Is he really that oblivious, and full of himself, thinks he's king shit, and got it going on so much that my status would be about him when we haven't been on good terms for a WHOLE month, and I haven't heard from him in 3 days???

He is not the end-all and be-all of my relationships...I still think about a LOT of my past relationships...I recall the good and the bad. And the thing about me and ole dude is that we had history. We were friends FIRST...I've known him for almost 3 years, and from jump we clicked...so I mean...of course I miss talking to him everyday and having so much in common...and laughing at his corny jokes, and listening to his stories....*sigh* the good (most of the time) outweighed the bad...and he had potential to be THE ONE, ya know...?

But yeah...that ends my anecdote...But I'm just like...was new dude really serious? I thought about returning his call...but what for? Call me hypocrytical, but I honestly have nothing to say to him, and I don't want to open up a can of worms. Telling him that my status was not about him, making up a lie to cover my ass...I mean, shit...I don't owe him ANYTHING!!! He's the one that wants to be in love "with me" so badly... I'm trying to do everything but spell it out for him that "I- DO-NOT-WANT-YOU"--you know...I'm trying to let him get it on his own...but it's not clicking. *sigh*

If he decides to call me again...which will be in the next week or so....maybe...then I will make sure he's clear on the finale' of our "relationship"...I can't keep up this sherade. Again, it wasn't fun while it lasted. He's a good dude, just not for me...not right now.

SO... in other news...haha...say a few prayers for me that I get a job so my place in the apartment will be secure!!!! God keeps blessing me, so I gotta stay open-minded about my options! Peace and blessings to you all!!!