Coming out of Hiatus BRIEFLY to post some WISDOM...

Titled: "If a man wants you"


If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away.
If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay.
Stop making excuses for a man and his behavior.
Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache.
Stop trying to change yourselves for a relationship that's not meant to be.
Slower is better.
Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy.
If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve then heck no, you can't "be friends." A friend wouldn't mistreat a friend.
Don't settle.
If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is.
Don't stay because you think "it will get better." You'll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better.
The only person you can control in a relationship is you.
Avoid men who've got a bunch of children by a bunch of different women.
He didn't marry them when he got them pregnant, Why would he treat you any differently? Always have your own set of friends separate from his.
Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you.
If something bothers you, speak up.
Never let a man know everything. He will use it against you later.
You cannot change a man's behavior. Change comes from within.
Don't EVER make him feel he is more important than you are...even if he has more education or in a better job. Do not make him into a quasi-god. He is a man, nothing more nothing less.
Never let a man define who you are.
Never borrow someone else's man.
Oh Lord!? If he cheated with you, he'll cheat on you.
A man will only treat you the way you ALLOW him to treat you.
All men are NOT dogs.
You should not be the one doing all the bending... compromise is a two-way street.
You need time to heal between relationships..........there is nothing cute about baggage... deal with your issues before pursuing a new relationship.
You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you... a relationship consists of two WHOLE individuals... look for someone complimentary...not supplementary.
Dating is fun...even if he doesn't turn out to be Mr.. Right.
Make him miss you sometimes...when a man always know where you are, and your always readily available to him- he takes it for granted.
Don't fully commit to a man who doesn't give you everything that you need.
Keep him in your radar but get to know others.

Share this with other ladies..... You'll make someone SMILE, another RETHINK her choices, and another woman PREPARE. They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them and an entire lifetime to forget them. AND FYI, THIS WAS WRITTEN BY A MAN, SO TAKE A HINT..............

Forebidden Fruit

So...long story short, I have a crush on this guy who is more or less forebidden fruit. See, as long as I can remember, I've had this rule where if one of my friends (and even in some cases associates) dates a guy, then he is off limits to me. Now there are terms and conditions, but that's the basic gist of the rule.

Well, my crush is the ex of a friend of mine....and they broke up maybe almost a year ago, but my friend is still in love with this man.........so........

But the thing is, he told a mutual friend there was no way he and his ex were getting back together...that it just wouldn't work. Then he told her that he thought I was kinda cute and that I was "thick" and asked her if I was friends with his ex. The friend changed the subject...

Now...this dude is pretty much the total package. I won't get into his credentials, but he is. And he is soooooo handsome, like he has this boyish quality about him. AND HE HAS DIMPLES and I LOVE DIMPLES....especially on my men!!!

He would be perfect for me, had he not already been with someone who I consider a friend. I respect my friend far too much to tread on dangerous territory and risk our friendship over a guy. Now, if he and I become friends and develop something from that, and we fall in love with each other...now that can't be helped, and somewhere in her heart I'd hope she would understand.

Either way, it's a touchy subject....he is so fine.....damn!!!

So as I turn in to bed tonight, Imma say a special prayer for him cuz he got in a lil situation. I hope he is okay.

Signing off....

*side note*

My prophyte A.O. is my f'in shero!!! I love you, Soror!!!!

Question Is....Are virgins NOT the bizness anymore??!?

Hopefully this will prove to be a regular segment on STG, but who knows. Life is very sporadic these days, although chock full of drama...

Anywhoo...guess who came back into my life a couple of weeks ago? See previous post. Things didn't go like I had hoped and imagined they would. THAT GIRL was there at his basic training graduation in full effect, like I suspected...whatevs....he got his shit (cell phone, etc) back so now he can make phone calls. He called twice last weekend...

Dude, I just don't know anymore. There is no stand-still...there is no nothing between he and I. We are just friends (especially in his eyes) and I should just accept that shit and move on...

In an attempt to strike conversation last night (we were texting), I asked his opinion on a topic me and some of my homeboys were talking about. They were saying that dudes don't want to fuck with a virgin AT ALL if they don't have to...(basic gist--meaning relationship and/or sex)

I asked what he thought...if he felt like this was true. I said this:

"I remember when virgins used to be hot commodities. Do y'all just not want to deal with them (us)?"

He said:

"Sexually yes. Emotionally no."



It spoke volumes to me, but...WTF does that mean? I didn't ask, because I don't want him to think that I care. But he really just killed my hopes of us being together anytime soon and him being my first. SOMEBODY has to endure the "emotions" that come with a virgin, or else she will be one for the rest of her life. Whatever happened to a guy thinking that you are so special that he WANTS to be your first? I understand that he doesn't want the drama...but, shit! He basically told me in so many words that he doesn't want to deal with me because of my virginal status...I will admit that I tried to get him to commit to me before I would give him the pussy (and it failed), but am I wrong for wanting my first time to be special and the fruition of a committed relationship? Guess so. In his defense, maybe I'm SOOOOO special that he doesn't want to hurt me...doesn't want to be the cause of any emotional distress I might experience after the fact. He doesn't want to be the face behind my regrets (if I have any)...maybe that's what it is.

My emotions fucked me up that night. His whole demeanor changed after I told him that the pussy was for committed situations only. I sensed that shit immediately.

Emotionally, virgins (maybe even the girl who's virginity you took) can be unstable and clingy. I know that I wanted to give myself to him...first, if not forever. I know that I didn't plan on sharing him after that...you know? Guess he still tryna sew his royal oats. Can't fault him, cuz he's still hella young.

I just pray he doesn't come around after I've lost my virginity to someone else, looking for a second chance. Not only will I be a beast in the bedroom, but also a cold, heartless, calculating, CNB-attitude....bitch!

He don't wanna see me!

OUT

p.s. future posts such as these will be short and to the point with question and responses.

...

I am just utterly disgusted at myself for feeling this way. I haven't been able to sleep for the past two nights...thinking and reminiscing on the past...dreaming, wishing, and hoping for the future...I can't seem to get rid of these emotions, and my only excuse is that I dealt with dude for a year...A year and some change dealing with the same person, and actually caring deeply for them is not something easily let go of...I'm confused and I don't know what to do...

I have dreams of me going to his basic training graduation, with a cute little green and white dress on, some cute heels, my hair flowing down my back and a gift for him in my hand. He looks surprised to see me, and asks, "How'd you get up here?" really not expecting me to be there. "I drove" would be my reply with a smirk on my face...I'd hand him his gift and give him a hug...then I'd be pushed to the background to let other family and friends congratulate him on his huge accomplishment. He's going farther than his daddy ever did, and for that I know he's proud. And I'm proud too...

He'd ask me if I want to go to dinner with them. I'd oblige. I'd sit in the midst of his family and loved ones, and all eyes would be on him...and me...She would be there too...pregnant, maybe with his child(hopefully not), but no one would care. Compliments would shower me. "Why aren't you and Ant togther?" one would ask. "Y'all would make such a cute couple" another would chime in. I'd blush and keep quiet...He'd probably say nothing as well. She would make some smart remark, but a family member, perhaps his grandma would shut her ass down.

He'd glance longlingly at me, a faint smile crossing his lips. I'd meet his gaze and smile back. My cousin would call telling me it's time to go. I'd take my leave...his mom standing up to hug me and kiss me on the cheek. "I hope to see you again" she would say. I'd wave good bye to his niece whom I simply adore, and bid farewell to the rest. He'd be standing all the while and follow me out of the door.

We'd stand outside, face to face. The wind would blow ever so slightly. "Well..." I'd reach for a hug and he would meet me with a full embrace. "Thanks for coming". "Of course!" I'd smile sweetly at him, but inside my heart would long....."I'm so proud of you!" I'd touch his face. "Well, I gotta go. See you later, keep in touch. Don't forget me..." is what I'd say, and then I'd get in the car and drive off....him watching as the car pulled off to its journey.

I wonder if this experience has changed him any? I wonder. I think I'm in love with him. My heart is telling me I am. My mind and body are too. But so much doubt has crept in and clouded my view. I loved him. I would do most anything for him. And all I want is for him to be ultimately, happy. And he knows this for I've told him several times. Our friendship doesn't mean anything if he's not happy.

There was a time where I wanted to be the one to make him happy, the one to make him smile and want to come home. I wanted to give him the world. Every feminine fiber in my being that I could muster up to give him undeniable pleasure...I was ready. I wanted to prove to him my worth. I wanted to love him, and be loved by him. But somehow I fell short.

I refused to believe that I couldn't MAKE him fall in love. I didn't want to believe that it was a process and that it either happened or it didn't. I believe in fairy tales and happy endings, and I choose to believe that when your mind and heart are in sync and they tell you to love a person, that you do just that. And that's all your will allows you to do.

School work---of no consequence, and I suffered for it. But nothing could compare to the joy--constant joy he brought me on most nights. I loved him....and he didn't even know it. Hell, I don't think I even knew until about a couple of weeks ago.

He is the one that single handedly made me smile, laugh, dance, cry, feel giddy, think on a spiritual and philosophical level. He helped me gain common sense, he helped me to be more tough. He taught me a lot about myself, and for that alone, I am indebted. I wanted to give him everything.

But now I see I fall short...so very short. I can't undo what time has done. How distances have favored another over me. How shared experiences with her are of no comparison to mine...I just don't measure up. Plus I want committment...a promise of fidelity, or at least monogamy...

I am honestly upset...at myself for not being all that he wants or needs. I am upset at him for not looking past the front gate to see what's outside of the fence. I am mad at her for capitalizing on that shit!

But to be honest, who's to say he hasn't left both our asses alone? You know what I found out? Her's and my birthdays are exactly a day apart, and who's to say a whole 24 hours? To know that this girl shares my same sun sign...well let's just say, I'm not thrilled.

But it made me think. Shit, if it didn't work with her, then how is it gonna work with me???? Maybe we're all just TOO different...

I still know though, that my willingness to sacrifice for him, and to prove myself to him is far greater than any pleasure he received from her sexually. And I am 116% sure that with a little guidance, my shit would be better than hers. I just need to be clear on what he likes and what he doesn't like. Her experience in the bed may be that of a pro--yeah I may be virginal (no penetration)---BUT---I want to give him...me.

Was reading this novella tonight titled, "Satisfy Me"....the main female character was a 22 year old virgin. A year older than myself. Something she said in the book struck a chord with me. I remember going back to campus with B almost 2 years ago. We were coming from the mall and talking about first times. I told her then that I wanted her best friend to be my first. She wasn't necessarily for or against it, because at the time I believe she wanted to protect BOTH of us from getting hurt. She asked me why....Just as the main character in that novella had stated, I answered, "Because I trust him".

To this day he is the only guy I've been intimate with.......I knew I wanted to experience my firsts with him because I trusted him, I felt comfortable around him, and I knew he knew what he was doing! As the year progressed and 2008 came under way, I was fully head-over-heels....*sigh*

We've been through a lot. But he (and others) are probably thinking that what we've endured doesn't even scratch the surface of what him and that girl went through...but ask me if I care? AND DON'T!!

What I'd ultimately like to happen is, he realizes that I am all he needs in a woman. We can help make each other that "all in all". I want him to let go of the past and look to the future...which Capricorn is best for you?

But....just as I discovered that cold day in February...if he doesn't choose me, I shouldn't dismay. It might be that it just wasn't meant to be. They always come back, anyway...once they realize their mistake. Problem is...it may be too late...

When it's all said and done, though, I want that man to be happy. That's all I want is happiness for his life. And that along with a piece of my heart is all that I can give him right now...

The Thrill is GOne...but another one COmeth

It's been gone for a long time. He was a rebound, and I was just way too afraid to admit it. I didn't want him to know that a rebound is what he is/was to me...not saying that our relationship couldn't have blossomed into something wonderful, but it didn't. I wasn't ready for a relationship...with him, and he wasn't ready for me.

The one who I want to be ready to be with me is somewhere in North or South Carolina...I forget...I might see him in 3 or 4 months...but by then, a lot will be different.

I am moving into my first real apartment with a soror of mine on the first of May!!!! I am so excited! Talk about "Miss Independent" and "She Got Her Own"...but aside from me being able to pay my own bills...I don't want to be Miss Independent...I am in need...of companionship and love from a MAN...not a little boy pretending to be a man.

I try not to let my situation from last year with ole boy interfer with my here and now...but point.blank.period...I let the new dude know that I was ready for the real deal...his lack of interest and communication when HE GOT ME was, "turnin me off"...in the words of Keri Hilson.

See, what he didn't know, but I've always guessed about myself, is that I get bored with dudes easily, especially if we don't really have that strong of a connection. That's why dudes who are actual FRIENDS first usually last longer with me. I don't know if that's because they know how to deal with me, how to keep me interested...or what?

But the new dude...hmph...I could give a laundry list of things I think he needs to work on...but I won't go there,because I'm not about pointing out the faults of a jilted lover...anymore (cuz you know I did it with ole dude)...but I'm done...I'm trying to focus on why I DEADED the situation...

Because he still wants to be with me...but...

I just don't want it. And I can't and won't force myself to fall for him again. He should have builded on the connection we had from the start and made it strong. Instead, I was ignored and neglected until it was convenient for him to communicate with me...Oops, there I go...

But yeah, I just don't see it working out. My patience is thin (already) for guys younger than me. The only "younger" dude who will ever get a second chance if God warrants it, is THAT BOY (hopefully MAN, now). I have been let down on countless occasions by guys who were not on my level mentally and emotionally. I always got hurt in the process.

The difference with my situation today is that I probably messed the new guy up, might have even broken his heart...I sure hope not, because not much time was vested into the relationship. Who am I to judge how quickly someone falls in love, though? But real talk...with me...I'm his prototype...I think I'm everything that dude wants in a future wife/soulmate. He's just not ready to deal with someone of my caliber (not tooting my own horn, just stating that we are on two different levels, ALL TOGETHER). I'm the kind of love that he seeks in a relationship, I possess the understanding and maturity, the patience... I got it all...BUT he's not ready and still into playing childish games (phone-tag)...

I'm ready for the real deal...my mom was married at the age I am now...yes, things have changed, BUT DAMN! I should have stayed with Zay...*thinking* NO the hell, I shouldn't have...but had I, I would have been knocked up and working on child #2...

Anyhoo...quick anecdote. So I was talking to the guy the other day. He called me first, I was unable to answer so I called him back a couple of minutes later. We talked for a minute, but then I told him I had to go (I was in the middle of handling important business). So we get off the phone and I immediately get a text from him saying something to the effect of, "I want to fall in love with you so badly, but I'm just so afraid". I told him that neither one of us are ready for that...especially with EACH OTHER. He replied, "We could have been, but I feel like you don't care". I was like WTF, and said (basically) that the initial connection between us had been lost and that I was in no mood to fight to re-establish it (cuz it would have been feeble attempt #4), and that I could not force myself to start liking him again....

He did not respond...just cut the conversation off just like that (not fighting for that "love" he wants AT ALL)...and that was the end of it, but I didn't care, I was like "Oh well". But since I had told him I would call him back later, I kept my word and did just that. It was around 12:30am...I called and he didn't answer...(which would often happen). 3 WHOLE days go by without him returning my call (remember, I was just tryna keep my word, but I kept this in mind because he tried to throw some shit up in my face about me not calling him the previous week).

So Thursday morning, at 3am, I'm lying wide awake thinking about ole dude. Not so much on a romantic sense, but just wondering how basic training is treating him. And well to be totally honest, I'm still not over him..completely... I get a little emotional, and that Whitney Houston song, "Why does it Hurt So bad" starts playing in my head. I start to shed a few tears. I rolled out of bed and signed onto facebook and changed my status message to read:
"Shy can't sleep...I miss him so much". Tell me why not 2 minutes later did new guy respond saying, "Tell him how you feel. He might feel the same way". HAHAHAHAHA!!! ROTFLMAO!!!

Then he proceeds to call my phone twice and left a voicemail after the last call...ummmm.......

So....you can call me when you ASSume that my status message is about YOU...but you couldn't return my fucking phone call when I was trying to reach out to you 4 days ago? HA! I wasn't even TALKING ABOUT HIM!!!! Is he really that oblivious, and full of himself, thinks he's king shit, and got it going on so much that my status would be about him when we haven't been on good terms for a WHOLE month, and I haven't heard from him in 3 days???

He is not the end-all and be-all of my relationships...I still think about a LOT of my past relationships...I recall the good and the bad. And the thing about me and ole dude is that we had history. We were friends FIRST...I've known him for almost 3 years, and from jump we clicked...so I mean...of course I miss talking to him everyday and having so much in common...and laughing at his corny jokes, and listening to his stories....*sigh* the good (most of the time) outweighed the bad...and he had potential to be THE ONE, ya know...?

But yeah...that ends my anecdote...But I'm just like...was new dude really serious? I thought about returning his call...but what for? Call me hypocrytical, but I honestly have nothing to say to him, and I don't want to open up a can of worms. Telling him that my status was not about him, making up a lie to cover my ass...I mean, shit...I don't owe him ANYTHING!!! He's the one that wants to be in love "with me" so badly... I'm trying to do everything but spell it out for him that "I- DO-NOT-WANT-YOU"--you know...I'm trying to let him get it on his own...but it's not clicking. *sigh*

If he decides to call me again...which will be in the next week or so....maybe...then I will make sure he's clear on the finale' of our "relationship"...I can't keep up this sherade. Again, it wasn't fun while it lasted. He's a good dude, just not for me...not right now.

SO... in other news...haha...say a few prayers for me that I get a job so my place in the apartment will be secure!!!! God keeps blessing me, so I gotta stay open-minded about my options! Peace and blessings to you all!!!

A few Words...

So....to make a long story short...I'm kinda on the outs with my "boyfriend". I told him today that we needed to take the title away, slow things down, and start over again at square 1. He did some really bogus shit the first 2 wks of our relationship, and in the words of Keri Hilson, "It was turning me off"....Like for real. I was starting to really dig the relationship and the direction it was headed in, but his lack of communication caused me to doubt his sincerity. I don't have much luck with guys, do I? Torrance and Kit would say that I need to leave the little boys alone (this one is almost a year younger than me)...my mama and my homegirl La.va.da are saying the same thing...so...26, you said?

WORD! But yeah, I'm just dropping this tidbit, so when I start talking about someone new y'all won't think I'm some kind of wanch!

But yeah...uh....HAPPY HUMP DAY!!!

P.S. Alpha Kappa Alpha's Southeastern Regional Conference will be held 3/12-15th in Mobile, AL and I am so excited!! It's my first ever regional conference. I'm looking forward to learning more about my sorority and hanging out with my pretty sorors. I will be on hiatus, I suppose until I return!! Until then, DEUCE!

Research and Investigation

I'm launching an investigation. I can't divulge details, but I will say that it involves myself and the opposite sex, compatibility, and eventually pin-pointing what I'm really looking for in a man and a relationship.

Not saying the one I'm in now isn't going to work...but I AM 21...and there is so much more life to live (God willing)...so I can't limit myself in my thinking (like I did last year).

Aside from working on myself and the way I deal with certain situations, the way I manage time, and the way I come across to men, I will be investigating what it is that I am looking for exactly.

Yeah, true, I want my husband to be a carbon copy of my dad with the exception of looks (my dad is very handsome...but I don't want a nigga that looks like him. That's just too f'in weird, but you get my drift), but I also want someone who is spontaneous, romantic, and outgoing (which are qualities that my dad (nor me) doesn't necessarily possess. Basically I need someone to bring out the wild side of me in a relationship.

My mom has been suggesting for the last 2 years of my life that I sit down and make a list of things I DO want and things I DON'T want in a man and in a relationship. Pros and Cons. She said she did it, and it made things a hell of a lot more clear for her. So yeah...I think it's time, but I'm going to go a step further and get more detailed in my selection of DOs and DON'Ts...

So I've begun my preliminary research...finding out who my best and worst matches are according to astrology and sun signs. I'm kinda into astrology (not on some worship/religion tip), because it is super relatable to a broad spectrum of people who fall under the same sign, and sometimes that shit be dead on (more times than none for me). It just amazes me that people have studied other humans so extensively that they can generalize about ANYONE who has the same sign and postulate a correct assumption.

I'm going to write a dissertation...maybe...more like a paper...but nonetheless....and share it with the blogosphere and maybe facebook/myspace.

The first piece of my research I am going to share is the sun signs that are my best and worst matches...

WORST:
Aries
Libra

BEST:
Taurus
Virgo
Scorpio
Pisces

Next time I will share the names of guys who I've dealt with (crush, talked to, dated) in the past that fall under these signs, and whether or not I need to rethink giving them a second chance (or a chance at all if they haven't had one yet).

Oh, and this project needs a name....so yeah...I need to think on that.

If I would Have known....

Me and mama always say..."Patience is a Virtue"...

I had to do some waiting, but boy was it worth the wait

Not saying things are gonna be easy...they never really are

But when God puts someone in your life to give you opportunities and experiences that were never afforded to you before...you GOTTA know it's something special about that person.

Who opens the passenger door for me to get in and OUT of the car?

Who walks on the outside of the street making sure I'm out of harms way?

Who's feeding me spiritually, intellectually, and emotionally?

HE DOES/IS!!

He is a God-send! He's not perfect, however, and has his flaws. He can get busy with work and school...and not have time...we don't reside in the same city...

But...the difference with him and all the others is that he puts forth AN EFFORT!!! To me, trying and putting forth effort are two totally different things.

To try (according to Merriam-Webster Online) means "to make an attempt"...if you apply effort to this definition, little of it is made...

Effort, however, in its essence is a "conscious exertion of power; hard work; a SERIOUS attempt"...see the difference??

Where others failed to make the effort and do the BARE MINIMUM for me (I don't ask for much)...he picked up the slack ten-fold! He often says I give him way too much credit, but I just want him to understand how much I appreciate his attentiveness, his sensitivity to my needs, his affection....

Many females take these things for granted, but I don't know how to...all he asks in return is that I appreciate him...and I KNOW I can do that!! I AM DOING THAT! And I always will appreciate him, who he is, and what he does for me!!

I knew that there were good men out there somewhere...wonder where they are? In your face, probably...just like Dre was in mine...but we overlook them because they are "too nice"--not the proverbial "bad boy"...or maybe we overlook them because they too have been hurt and are hiding among the shadows as we are.

Who knows? But they DO exist, ladies!!! I got mine!! And I'm just so thankful!!

MERRY BELATED CHRISTMAS...and stuff

Hey all!! Hope your Christmases were AWESOME, and that you got everything that you wanted and needed, and that you got to spend it with who you wanted to. I didn't get anything on my Christmas list :-(....but it's all gravy. I'm well aware that it is better to give than to receive, and trust me, I did a LOT of giving, spending money I didn't have.

I'm just blessed and thankful to be alive and looking foward to the new year.

Over the break, I realized that I need to let go of my pursuit of ole dude...formerly Houston, formerly the boy, formerly The Russian etc.

He's just way too inconsiderate and I'm tired of always being blamed for his shortcomings. I'm tired of his excuses, and his inability to take responsibility for his actions. I realize now that we are better off as friends until he grows up, and then we can try again.

I guess, in a way he tried to tell me he wasn't the one. My persistance got me into this mess...but I'm determined to get myself out. I've been praying about it, and everytime I have a lingering thought of him I ask God to "remove the longing". I don't want him completely removed from my life because he is a good friend. I DO, however, want any romantic thoughts and feelings to dissipate until he gets his shit together and can pursue me like a real man.

I am worthy of true love. I deserve it, and one day it will come. Patience is indeed a virtue, and I bet I will have one of the best fairy tales to tell my kids one day.

Oh, and don't get me wrong. I'm not trying to blame him for us not working...I blame him for not admitting fault and trying to fix it. I blame him for not trying to reach out me...He told me about a month ago that he could sense the end of our friendship...he told me that if it ended, it'd be my fault because I wouldn't reach out to him. Sorry buddy...you're prediction was only half true. I've done nothing BUT try for a whole damn year...OH WELL...

No use crying over a nigga I never had in the first place. WOrd to the wise...inconsiderate behavior will get you no where with ANY WOMAN unless the bitch is dumb.

I'd like to think we'll always be friends, but I'm tired of trying...time to move on....

Anyhoo...TOODLES

P.S. We had some good times, but it wasn't fun while it lasted! Oh, and friendship is a reciprocal situation. The sooner he grasps that concept, the better off he'll be.

This song sums up our twisted relationship/friendship to a mother fuckin TEE and I never noticed til today, but I've known this song since it came out..."Nothing Lasts Forever" by Maroon5 (auto play taken off...visit imeem.com to hear full song)


"It is so easy to see disfunction between you and me
We must free up these tired souls before the sadness kills us both
I tried and tried to let you know
I love you but I'm letting go
It may not last, but I don't know
I just don't know"

Chorus:
"Everyday...with every word whispered we get more far away
The distance between us makes it so hard to stay
But nothing lasts forever but be honest babe
It hurts but it may be the only way"

AND IT IS...at least for me right now!

*SIGH*

I went to sleep last night around 1:30am knowing I had to wake up at 6 to get ready for work. I had been on the phone with him for a couple of hours, and what was once a nice, light-hearted conversation turned into a serious, down-right...UGH conversation.

We annoy each other to no end sometimes. I know it. But what pissed me off last night is how he plays so much into these double standards and what not. Maybe he's joking most of the time, because he did ask me, "So you mad?" I said "no, not mad, just a little hurt." He said, "So you hurt?" I said, "Well, yeah...cuz you play into these double standards. You can, but I can't. I can't do what you do..." and BLAH BLAH BLAH.

The context behind that dialogue was that he made a statement. I asked him to elaborate and he wouldn't. Got a lil pissy about it, so I dropped it. A couple of minutes later, I make an assertion on an observation I made, his interest is piqued and he wants me to elaborate. I say, "No". Ask me why he goes on MUTE for like 5 minutes, I guess pitching a fit that I wasn't about to give in to him. But he knows my weakness is silence. I can't stand that shit. So after I whined for him to start talking he makes this grunt to let me know he was still on the line. I gave in y'all. I told him what I vowed to NOT tell him.

He admits he was testing me. What the test was, I don't know and probably never will know. I don't care what he says, he has a wall up and he is putting me through many unecessary trials and tribulations just to win his affection. Perhaps I already have his affection...why is he so cold sometimes? I attribute that to his double-personality. But let me get insecure about something...he goes on a damn tirade talking bout, "well, how do expect me to like you when you don't like yourself?!" Hey Hey Hey! I love me some me, in every possible way. If I get insecure sometimes, it's because a flaw has been thrown up in my face. Sometimes I have a weak moment, okay?! But I love me, and am very proud and aware of ME! HE on the other hand admits that he doesn't know himself...so how is he tryna call me out? He confuses my shy nature with insecurity which is not wise at all. He's right, face-to-face will say it all...

FUCKING GEMINI!!!!! I need to stop wearing my heart on my sleeve, but when it comes to him, I can't help it. I want him to know about every feeling that ever enters my heart about him, and I so desperately want him to feel the same way. He says it's not that he doesn't feel the same way, that I just get mad at him because he's not saying what I want to hear when I want to hear it...

This may be true, and I'm working on it... I'm trying. Y'all...I'm so sprung...somebody help me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*This post may be gone by the end of the day...I'm just venting...

And I Quote ": A dedication

Please listen to the song as you read the post, thanks!!

"Nothing worth having is easy to get." -Soror Ideal




I agree. Look at what all Cinderella had to go through to get her prince charming.


This post is dedicated to my friend Mel and other friends out there who feel like they can't win for losing. You give your heart and soul to a guy...everything short of your peace of mind, and the guy either does nothing with your gifts or throws them in the garbage can.

Without saying too much, I want you to know that like my soror said, "Nothing worth having is easy to get". As much as we want to hate the guys who take our hearts to the shredder on a daily, we can't. So we look for the silver lining under the grey cloud and remind ourselves, sometimes naiively that, "It ain't so bad". They are going to make us work for their love, something women rarely had to do in the generations that came before us. But don't give up. Nobody said this love thing would be easy...

Patience is a virtue. And we as young women have indeed been VERY patient, considerate, understanding, and uplifting to these guys who in one minute can see forever in our eyes and the next not see a future with us. I am learning this stuff as I constantly ride the rollercoaster of, no not love, but of self-discovery. I'm on a train, and he is the conductor. I am but a passenger, along for the ride. I can choose to get off whenever I please, but it ain't that simple, is it? Nope, because they read our thoughts, and know what we plan to do before we do it. We have to master the game that is being played, try to protect our hearts, but also let down our guards just enough to let him get through the door. See, I told you it wasn't simple. Well, there's hope.

One of my favorite Bible verses is 1 Corinthians 2:9. It reads thusly: But as it is written, Eye hath not seen, nor ear heard, neither have entered into the heart of man, the things which God hath prepared for them that love him.

These words get me through EVERY let down I have, whether it be with grades or with guys. I believe in this verse because it gives me hope, it promises to me that God has a plan and wonderful things in store for me. The ones we love the most, may not love us in the same way. It is painful to think that these guys we like/love may not be THE ONE for us. Whoever God has for us, is OUT THERE...and though it's hard to think anyone could be better than our boos...that guy (if it's not them) IS better...much better!

I've endured many let-downs over the years, particularly in the relationship department. But when the last tear falls down my eye, after reading 1 Corin. 2:9 I know that I'm just one step closer to the unbelievable man God will place in my life to be my help mate. Yes I am anxious, but Patience is a virtue. Galatians 6:9 says: And let us not be weary in well doing: for in due season we shall reap, if we faint not.

Mel, our time is coming. I know sometimes we want to believe that the guy we care about SO MUCH is going to be the one, but we have to, even if in the back of our minds, accept the fact that this may not be so. We can only pray that the undeniable bonds we have formed with these young men will blossom and flourish into wonderful, long-lasting relationships.

If he is indeed doing his own thing, my advice would be to remain supportive of him. Continue to be his friend, and if nothing else kill him with kindness. One of two things may happen. 1) He will realize the error of his ways and come running back to your arms or 2) you will be so busy being nice and not caring that the guy of your dreams will appear, as if out of no where.

Call it a fairy-tale or wishful thinking, but then again, what is so wrong with fairy-tales? Some dreams do come true, and some stories do have happy endings. Only time will tell the truth, but something tells me that if we keep believing in ourselves, and that love is alive and out there, we will see our pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.



Remember: "Eye hath not seen, nor ear heard". It IS WRITTEN. Claim it for yourself, and believe in it. I am here for you!

ETA: I'd rather have him in friendship than nothing at all.

I'm Going Through

I talk so much shit. And I can own up to it, and admit that. All it took was a 4hr-long conversation with "him" to make me put things into perspective and to stop being so dramatic about our situation. I came to the realization that I'm gonna have to go into this with no expectations. Like he said, "Just live". I need not try to plan every moment we may spend together. What for? Things very seldom go as planned. And I just want to enjoy the time we DO get...because it comes few and far between.

I am guilty for semi-planning, because I don't want to not have A CLUE of what's gonna go down, but I'm practically leaving it all up to him and chance, and I hope everything works out to the both of our likings.

I wish y'all could understand what this boy does to me. He gets inside my head, says what I'm thinking. I could be lying down, not saying a word, and he'll know exactly how my body is positioned and what I'm fixing to ask him next. He knows what I like without me having to tell him, and maybe to a fault. I never thought about it before, but what if he's able to read the minds of every girl he's ever talked to before me?

His bff is a female, so maybe he's use to it. He told me from jump that he's able to read MOST people extremely well. But there has to be more to him reading me, than just a knack of sorts...some quirky talent. I'd like to think that I'm somewhat more special than other girls in the past, scratch that...those hoes can't hold a candle to me. Some of our conversations get very philosophical, political, societally-charged that you'd think we were politicians from opposite sides of the spectrum.

I am 4 months his senior, but he is mentally and emotionally on a level that surpasses a lot of guys I know who are his age up to 4 years older...what's with that? He makes me laugh uncontrollably, we argue for the sake of it, which I think keeps things interesting. Nothing wrong with a little lively debate every now and then. We have a lot in common, he's genuine...and when I say this I mean, genuinely HIM. He claims to be no one but himself. He owns up to his Geminian ways, embraces them, and realizes that even he can not figure himself out at times. I can respect that.

He's considerate and kind (generally), but UBER sarcastic and caustic, which are parts of his sense of humor and personality I adore. If it were not for those traits, he would just be your typical shy guy. He has this look he gives to people when they get on his nerves. If you catch it, you will die from laughter.

I guess I could go on and on about him. Many may not understand. He's unique and different, yet so much like myself. One of the realest niggas I know, who doesn't deal in falsities (word?). He's laid back, well-manered, armed with street sensibilities, yet cultivated with intellect (sounds good...he'd blush). Am I SPRUNG??!

My only fear is that I don't/won't live up to his expectations of a partner/mate, if time ever leads us to the crossroads of friend to mate. Yes we are only friends. But...he gets me, in ways that no other has. I'm impressed. And for someone who has seen em all, that doesn't happen to easily anymore. I'm impressed with the whole of him, who is not perfect by any stretch, and has flaws like everyone else. And I accept him for who he is, even with his mood swings and wishy-washy, flightly behavior. Maybe tried to get him to be more considerate/ compassionate once or twice, but never went about trying to change what makes him, him--different.

I don't know...just trying to relieve some emotional/mental baggage. I got a thang for him, and he knows... If only I could get inside that thick ass skull and discover his true, uninhibited feelings about me.

You like me? DUH! But what about me? Right...if he can't answer this question after 7 months of intense "getting to know you" conversations, I'm going to righteously beat his ass the next time I see him, and then proceed to ween myself off of the thought of being with him (yeah right). But I honestly would be seriously hurt and dillusioned.

On second thought. I can answer this question on my own. Even though he dislikes people assuming, I can assume that he has put up with my dramaticism, pessimism, negativity, hopeless, whiny, bitter, back-track, past-dwelling, et al ways for this long because he sees the great potential in the woman I am SOON to become. The transformation had already started, late February, yes with a few back-slides. But I was recently awarded with encouraging words on toning down my dramatics. Was I thrilled?! HELL YES! I undoubtedly seek his approval where maybe I shouldn't, but I can't help it. He does the same to me, asking at times, "Is that bad", when he questions a judgement he's made. I dunno folks.

Ours is a complicated scenario, that will only grow in complexity as school lets back in and new, fresh faces arrive on our respective campuses. Will another girl come in with 10x the fire that I have, prettier, and smarter than me? Will I lapse back into lust for one of several of the guys I pined for months ago? Who knows, but God Himself. But it is my sincere prayer, that God gives this thing with he and I a chance. We've already been through some storms as it is. We are constantly testing each other's loyalty to the other...our friendship might as well be...*sigh* But I digress.

Like I said, in the weeks to come, as I prepare myself to see him face to face for the first time since April, I know that it is CRUCIAL to take things as they come and let the chips fall where they may. I just hope my emotions and dramaticism don't get in the way of an otherwise "JUMPIN" vay-cay in LA. Don't wanna ruin it for everyone else. CNB attitude will be activated July 1, 2008 at 12am....watch for it!!

FUCK Summer Lovin

That's RIGHT! I said it! Fuck summer love. I'm so over it. I've basically come to the realization that I'm not going to get what I want out of that man-boy because he isn't ready. I can't force someone to be in a relationship no matter how much he likes me or I like him. If distance is an issue now, it will be an issue later. And maybe mama is right. Maybe he is PISSED that I left Chell on the phone for so long. That always happens and not too long after that, my "situation" with the guy falls apart. I figure that we will just always be good friends or something. But he said the same thing last night that he said 6 months ago, "I know you, but I don't know you"... REALLY NOW? But I guess he's right, in a sense.

And he gave the hypothesis that it'd be different if we'd grown up together and he KNEW me...the distance thing wouldn't matter much. But then he says he doesn't not trust me, or himself...so...then...contradiction perhaps? Maybe...

He's afraid of taking chances...that's what I chalk it up as, but I do admit that we wouldn't have much of a relationship. DISTANCE is the BIG TICKET issue here, y'all just don't understand. So I'm done trying to fight it. We're 4 hours apart at worst and 1.5 hours at best...talk about huge sacrifices for someone you don't know.

He says I shouldn't sit around waiting on him (cuz he knows he's not gonna tell me what I want to hear any time soon, plus he probably is already courting another girl). I should talk to other dudes or whatever. (But I fear there's not another quite like him out there...)

Mom says I should talk to other guys, that I may in fact miss out on a wonderful opportunity waiting on him. JLavada said he's probably talking to someone else. Whatever, I'm through trying.

6 months, and it got me absolutely no where...well I can't say that completely. I gained a unique friendship with a unique guy who is very intelligent, insightful, charming, and funny. Will he ever be mine? Who knows?

So I end this post with a quote from DMX

"If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, it's yours. If it doesn't, it never was".

For him to be so crazy, he sure makes a lot of sense at times. Poetic at best, ey? Well, I'm out...

P.S. Good morning...

True Feelings

I just needed somewhere to get this out that is not facebook. This brand of honesty is not ready for facebook yet...forgive me for not starting this month off "right" or whatever that might mean, but I have to do this...

I am literally and utterly sick to my stomach. What started out as picture-perfect, unbelievable and truly a blessing has ended up being something that has potentially damaged my heart even more, and in effect caused me to have EVEN more trust issues with guys. When will this sick cycle end? When will guys STOP coming into my life, just to see what they can get, then dip if I give the wrong answer.

I have been through some weird shit within the past 2 wks, and it’s crazy, because I haven’t been in a situation like this since when it didn’t matter…and now that it’s happening again, it’s been so long that I don’t know how to deal.

First things first, however. So it all starts out with a facebook message in mid-October. The young man sending me the message happens to be someone I’d admired from afar ALL freshman year. I told myself, “It’s something about him, but he’s too damn good for me.” Little did I know just how GOOD he was. I fell deep and hard for him, because he was (and still IS) the epitome of what I wanted in a man: sexy, educated, well-rounded, responsible, funny, and most of all, a Christian. I just knew he would bring out the “woman” in me if you will. I just knew it.

We’d talk on the computer about random stuff, and then one day he made a comment which prompted me to ask for his number, which he freely gave. He got mine and that was that. I texted him once, he texted back but by then, the message was irrelevant and since that day I haven’t really spoken to him. I sent him a message on his birthday, to which he replied that he had been SUPA busy and hadn’t had much of a birthday, and then…I didn’t hear from him again.

I don’t know what to make of the situation. Should I just take it as he’s no longer interested, or should I continue to try to squeeze something, anything out of him in resemblance to an explanation? He just crossed Kappa. I sent him a message of Congratulations. No reply.



So in the meantime and between time, I cultivated minute feelings for a friend into a huge crush. And since I have always felt so comfortable around him, I got the “smart” idea to tell him. OMG…I wish I would have kept my damn mouth closed now. I didn’t know. But anyway, long story short, cuz there’s really nothing to tell at this point: He’s also SUPA busy with stuff he’s doing so he hasn’t been able to call or say much to me over the computer. Thinking about it, and how I just told him how I felt (and really got no solid response) hurts my heart and makes me want to cry. No one understands…not even the Baby.

Yeah, then there’s the Baby…all I will say about him is that he’s a GREAT friend, but lately I feel like he’s hiding something from me. Like he’s not telling me the truth. When I first started talking to him, he was very open and gave me GREAT advice, and he’s only 18…I’ll be 20 in a bout a month. His words seemed wise beyond his years and well-thought out. Fast forward to this week…and he is very short with me on the computer (which is where we talk about this stuff), and very loving and sweet in person. He warms my heart and offers a nice distraction from the other two.


This leads me to this point. I keep telling my Baby that I’m really hurt by what so-and-so did….he hurt me and so on. I keep telling him that, not knowing if I’m being truthful or not. It’s not until I actually sit down and think about it, about my situations that I truly start to feel bad, sad, miserable, and depressed. I choke on a few tears; pieces of my heart seem to crumble to the bottom of my empty stomach. I can’t eat for real these days…not much of an appetite I guess. And no, it’s not healthy, but it’s the only way I can deal right now. I pray about it though. I NEED to take it to the WORD…praying is not enough. I looked at 1 Corinthians 2:9 again today, and I just can’t help but think God has something TERRIFIC in store for me coming in the near future. Brittni and my mama claimed it, and out of all the people who give me advice, I trust them the most. I really do. Brittni has a certain spirit about her that leaves her to be objective, to think of all possibilities and angles of the situation without immediately getting emotionally attached to a situation that does not belong to her. I love her to death and it was meant for us to be friends all along.

But yeah, so with a heavy heart, I sit and wonder. I mean, people can say, “Just put it in God’s hands”…and for the most part I have. But God only helps those who help themselves, hence why I keep trying to communicate with the Kappa and told the other guy that I liked him. I keep my options open and I take advantage of opportunities as they arise. I’m just waiting on the opportunity to love someone and have them love me back.

It gets so lonely, and for the 1500th time, I don’t want a relationship. I just want a “friend”, and people with mature minds know what I mean…that “official boo”…he’s not my man (technically), but he’s always there when I need him for WHATEVER and vice versa, he’s cool with my fam and I with his, there for support in all aspects of each other’s life, respecting whatever physical boundaries have been placed…but ultimately no title…Just an intense and intimate friendship—that has the potential to be much more. But baby steps first right?

AND THAT’S ALL I’VE BEEN DOING!! But I can’t seem to make it past step 3. So now what? Mama said I should just not worry about it. It’s the holidays and negros actin funny cuz they don’t wanna buy Christmas gifts. I KNOW none of these guys well enough to be purchasing gifts for them…it’s not even that serious, so I mean, I see what mama is saying, but her logic is hella flawed. I just think one got tired of me, one is too busy for me, and the other one just doesn’t get it, and would be too busy for me.

So at this point, my romantic situation is at a stand still. Lately I’ve been making all the moves, and taking charge…which is something I’ve never had to do before. Telling dude I liked him felt good, but waiting on him to call me back for 3 days after I’d call him was not fun! And all that other jazz…

And then there’s the question of: what if they all start acting right?
I have the answer: I would choose the Kappa. And I have my reasons.

I told the guy I liked him because he is my friend, has been for a full year, and the crush that had recently developed, was weighing heavy on my heart and mind, and I felt like he should know that his homegirl has a crush on him. To which he responded, “We need to get to know each other…I know you, but I don’t know you.” Which I understand and accept…but again, no moves have been made on his part…

The ball is in their court. I’ve already served. I’m tired…and I’m tired of my heart cracking under all this pressure.

I need a break, I need my family. I even called my cuz (something I RARELY ever do) to tell her I miss her, cuz I do…See what romantic problems do for a girl (me) in relation to her family? Knowing them, they’d want this type of shit to happen to me more often…but naw, like I said, I’m through pursuing. I knew it was something that I never wanted to do, but still I was forced to, and it isn’t a walk in the park. But I guess in every girl’s life, there comes a time when she has to venture out and see if she can get a man, instead of the other way around, ya know. It was so easy back in 9th grade. All I had to do was look and smile at a nigga and I had em in the palm of my hand. That still works…to a degree…but instead of them being in my hand, they just return the smile or glance and expect me to do all the work. Whatever…I’m through. I’m done. I wash my hands of this bull shit. What ever will be will be…seriously. If you want to talk to me, you have my number, you know how and where to reach me.

--DEUCE!

Ummm...Hell naw...

So um, are some of these guys kidding me? Are they seriously going to run around and beg to be chased? In my opinion, none of them (except my object of desire) is worthy enough to be chased. They have the game twisted horribly and need a freakin reality check and some private lessons from some real men. Makes no damn sense how many girls wanna get with these niggas, and all they do is smile and nod...THAT'S IT, and I kid you NOT!!!

When they see girls coming their way that they don't know, or don't hang with regularly, what do they do...? SMILE and M&Fin NOD...a hot mess...I have no time for that.

My parents were old fashioned in their courting. My dad spotted my mom, asked his football coach about her (his football coach was my mom's aunt's baby-daddy), they prolly talked a while and then exchanged digits. I know mama used to tell me daddy would ride over to her house from campus or his apartment ON A BICYCLE and visit her. My mom saw something special in him for doing that...Many men would have been too embarrassed to court on a bike...he could have asked one of his homeboys to drop him off...But all that didn't matter! What mattered is that he wanted the girl...that's ALL that mattered.

These days, the trifling negros I come into contact with on a daily basis are more concerned about their "waves", their jewlery, their cars, and clothes...how many stacks they got and who they're impressing...They want the females they are interested in to be thinking and worrying about the same thing (and we all know females can take that kind of shit to a whole 'nother level). But how the hell is that gonna work out when you got two self-centered materialistic mfers, no one is concerned about the passion and chemistry in the relationship--if that person can treat you right or make you smile...naw...they worried about who gone look the best when they go to the Continental that weekend. GET OFF!!!

I can attest to the fact that this is indeed a rant, but I'm highly disliking what I'm seeing around my campus and around my hometown. Negroes...take a step back and look at some things realisticly. SOMEBODY HAS TO CONTRIBUTE TO THE SUSTAINING AND MAINTAINING OF A RELATIONSHIP...that's why that shit don't ever work!! (Jessyca, here's the answer to your question, boo right here!). Worried about the wrong damn thing!

I was on somebody's myspace the other day, looking at one of those surveys we all like to take. When the part about what he likes in a female came up, most of responses were "hers"...when they asked what kind of body type, he answered "hers", when they asked what eye color he answered "hers"... It was a beautiful thing to see that he is interested in her--FOR HER. She ain't gotta come to him with stacks on deck, she ain't gotta be the flyyest thing walking. If he sees "her" and likes what he sees, then it's all about her. That shit just really touched my soul! And I mean, we all have specificities and ain't nothin wrong with that, technically. But it just boggled my mind that this guy has it all figured out. I believe that survey showed where his mind is at and that he knows how to treat a girl. WHOEVER snags him is going to be one LUCKY ass female! That is a promise.

But yeah, there are more thoughts swimming through my head about this topic, but I think it's about time for me to get ready for church...so I'll HOLLA when I get the chance! ONE!!!

I thought about it and...

*this is the spoken word piece I was talking about...I wrote it a couple of nights ago when I really got to thinking about some situations I've been thru with guys. This piece is specifically about 3 different guys in 3 different stages or points in my life...Hope you like it!*

Life is too short to pass up opportunities to get to know someone
Life is too short to decide it’s not worth it to smile and say hello
I, myself am tired of wondering “what if”—I really am
I deserve to be happy too
Like she said…I just want someone that I can be happy about seeing everyday
That’s all I want too…
And low and behold, I spot you, take interest and wait
And wait, and wait, and wait, and wait
Throw hints, make remarks
Secretly (so I think) investing so much time on my appearance
“Changing”, in a way, all to impress you
All just to get you to GLANCE my way…
It’s tiring and I cry about it
I beat myself up about it, and wonder why?
What’s wrong with me? How come I can’t get him to see?
Did I ignore your feelings back then?
Was I oblivious to YOUR advances?
I apologize…
Karma’s no joke.
Now you’re happy, and with another…or you were with her all along
Dare I say it
Oh well, nothing I can do about it
“How you get him is how you lose him”
She said that too, and it’s OH SO TRUE
I’m deciding to take it slow
Focus on me, getting my life straight
Making a checklist of things about ME I want to change—for me—this time.
There’s a lot wrong with me, but I never claim to be perfect
Or anywhere near it
I’m vulnerable, shy, sensitive, and a bit paranoid
And…
Yes, I’m boy-crazy
I’ve discovered that’s some of the problem
BOY-CRAZY…yeah…I can be crazy about them, without acting on it
And then it happens.
O….M…G…
Never thought…and wondering how and why
Am I deserving?
Then she asks me, “Why do people receive a blessing and still question God?”
I felt bad, cuz she’s right
He didn’t have to do it, but He did
And now I feel special again, in the context of feeling “liked”
Or whatever
I go with the flow…hoping that the current takes me on a looooooooong journey
With Prince Charming
One that I’m willing to go through the good and the bad for
Maybe that’s the problem right there…Prince…who?
Nevertheless…
It’s amazing and I hope things stay this way for a while
Or better yet progress
I used to like you
Maybe I still do
But damn it, if I can’t get you to see it, let alone understand it…
Silly rabbit, tricks are for kids
And I’m so tired of the games
YOU’VE GOT TO KNOW…really…
You don’t?
It’s not obvious?
Always been afraid of rejection
And seems like you know that
And you’re capitalizing on that
You want me to come out and say it
To tell you how I REALLY feel…
3 words…

WON’T BE ABLE!!!

Caramel Zeus from an Overcooked vegetable

As some of you may know, or have gathered...I'm single. Been that way since early 2005. I've given love a shot, only to GET SHOT in the back by dudes who were just trying to take me too fast. Don't get me wrong, I've had encounters, and kissed a few lips since then. But nothing beats a relationship, and knowing that your heart belongs to someone and vice versa.

I haven't failed in anything yet (in my opinion), and a relationship is the last thing I want if I'm not COMPLETELY ready for it...but...companionship would be NICE...

On a softer note, since this is not a rant...there is this guy...OMG is he fine!! I don't know if it's his looks or his swagger, but he definitely has SOMETHING that attracts me. He's not light-skinned (which I have a thing for, call me shallow...), and he's NOT tall (but I'm not biased to tall dudes, I usually go for average height anyway). So what is it?

The guy has the MOST GORGEOUS SMILE I've ever seen on a caramel dude (my second favorite skin tone on a guy). He carries himself with the highest confidence and self-esteem. His hair is gorgeous...makes me think he has some Indian in him somewhere down the line. And even after a car accident that left scars on his face, he's still HOTT STUFF!

Doesn't hurt that his folks have stacks on deck either...but it's not even about that. What gets me is his swagger and persona. And I'm not the only girl who's noticed it! Me and my homie Monie used to fight over him ALL the time (in jest). And she claims she "gives up" and I can "have" him...we'll see!

But for real, dude is a SITE FOR SORE EYES! And he is BUILT...and he seems like a genuinely nice person. But I'll never know until I have a convo with him. He seems so unapproachable and so NOT ON MY LEVEL...he's a socialite, if you will. But hey...something's gotta give. And he showed interest in my by...well if I said that, I'd be giving him away, so I'll hush. But yeeahhh...He know what's up!! I believe things will change for him and I this semester...I just got that feeling...