Coming out of Hiatus BRIEFLY to post some WISDOM...

Titled: "If a man wants you"


If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away.
If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay.
Stop making excuses for a man and his behavior.
Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache.
Stop trying to change yourselves for a relationship that's not meant to be.
Slower is better.
Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy.
If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve then heck no, you can't "be friends." A friend wouldn't mistreat a friend.
Don't settle.
If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is.
Don't stay because you think "it will get better." You'll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better.
The only person you can control in a relationship is you.
Avoid men who've got a bunch of children by a bunch of different women.
He didn't marry them when he got them pregnant, Why would he treat you any differently? Always have your own set of friends separate from his.
Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you.
If something bothers you, speak up.
Never let a man know everything. He will use it against you later.
You cannot change a man's behavior. Change comes from within.
Don't EVER make him feel he is more important than you are...even if he has more education or in a better job. Do not make him into a quasi-god. He is a man, nothing more nothing less.
Never let a man define who you are.
Never borrow someone else's man.
Oh Lord!? If he cheated with you, he'll cheat on you.
A man will only treat you the way you ALLOW him to treat you.
All men are NOT dogs.
You should not be the one doing all the bending... compromise is a two-way street.
You need time to heal between relationships..........there is nothing cute about baggage... deal with your issues before pursuing a new relationship.
You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you... a relationship consists of two WHOLE individuals... look for someone complimentary...not supplementary.
Dating is fun...even if he doesn't turn out to be Mr.. Right.
Make him miss you sometimes...when a man always know where you are, and your always readily available to him- he takes it for granted.
Don't fully commit to a man who doesn't give you everything that you need.
Keep him in your radar but get to know others.

Share this with other ladies..... You'll make someone SMILE, another RETHINK her choices, and another woman PREPARE. They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them and an entire lifetime to forget them. AND FYI, THIS WAS WRITTEN BY A MAN, SO TAKE A HINT..............

...

I am just utterly disgusted at myself for feeling this way. I haven't been able to sleep for the past two nights...thinking and reminiscing on the past...dreaming, wishing, and hoping for the future...I can't seem to get rid of these emotions, and my only excuse is that I dealt with dude for a year...A year and some change dealing with the same person, and actually caring deeply for them is not something easily let go of...I'm confused and I don't know what to do...

I have dreams of me going to his basic training graduation, with a cute little green and white dress on, some cute heels, my hair flowing down my back and a gift for him in my hand. He looks surprised to see me, and asks, "How'd you get up here?" really not expecting me to be there. "I drove" would be my reply with a smirk on my face...I'd hand him his gift and give him a hug...then I'd be pushed to the background to let other family and friends congratulate him on his huge accomplishment. He's going farther than his daddy ever did, and for that I know he's proud. And I'm proud too...

He'd ask me if I want to go to dinner with them. I'd oblige. I'd sit in the midst of his family and loved ones, and all eyes would be on him...and me...She would be there too...pregnant, maybe with his child(hopefully not), but no one would care. Compliments would shower me. "Why aren't you and Ant togther?" one would ask. "Y'all would make such a cute couple" another would chime in. I'd blush and keep quiet...He'd probably say nothing as well. She would make some smart remark, but a family member, perhaps his grandma would shut her ass down.

He'd glance longlingly at me, a faint smile crossing his lips. I'd meet his gaze and smile back. My cousin would call telling me it's time to go. I'd take my leave...his mom standing up to hug me and kiss me on the cheek. "I hope to see you again" she would say. I'd wave good bye to his niece whom I simply adore, and bid farewell to the rest. He'd be standing all the while and follow me out of the door.

We'd stand outside, face to face. The wind would blow ever so slightly. "Well..." I'd reach for a hug and he would meet me with a full embrace. "Thanks for coming". "Of course!" I'd smile sweetly at him, but inside my heart would long....."I'm so proud of you!" I'd touch his face. "Well, I gotta go. See you later, keep in touch. Don't forget me..." is what I'd say, and then I'd get in the car and drive off....him watching as the car pulled off to its journey.

I wonder if this experience has changed him any? I wonder. I think I'm in love with him. My heart is telling me I am. My mind and body are too. But so much doubt has crept in and clouded my view. I loved him. I would do most anything for him. And all I want is for him to be ultimately, happy. And he knows this for I've told him several times. Our friendship doesn't mean anything if he's not happy.

There was a time where I wanted to be the one to make him happy, the one to make him smile and want to come home. I wanted to give him the world. Every feminine fiber in my being that I could muster up to give him undeniable pleasure...I was ready. I wanted to prove to him my worth. I wanted to love him, and be loved by him. But somehow I fell short.

I refused to believe that I couldn't MAKE him fall in love. I didn't want to believe that it was a process and that it either happened or it didn't. I believe in fairy tales and happy endings, and I choose to believe that when your mind and heart are in sync and they tell you to love a person, that you do just that. And that's all your will allows you to do.

School work---of no consequence, and I suffered for it. But nothing could compare to the joy--constant joy he brought me on most nights. I loved him....and he didn't even know it. Hell, I don't think I even knew until about a couple of weeks ago.

He is the one that single handedly made me smile, laugh, dance, cry, feel giddy, think on a spiritual and philosophical level. He helped me gain common sense, he helped me to be more tough. He taught me a lot about myself, and for that alone, I am indebted. I wanted to give him everything.

But now I see I fall short...so very short. I can't undo what time has done. How distances have favored another over me. How shared experiences with her are of no comparison to mine...I just don't measure up. Plus I want committment...a promise of fidelity, or at least monogamy...

I am honestly upset...at myself for not being all that he wants or needs. I am upset at him for not looking past the front gate to see what's outside of the fence. I am mad at her for capitalizing on that shit!

But to be honest, who's to say he hasn't left both our asses alone? You know what I found out? Her's and my birthdays are exactly a day apart, and who's to say a whole 24 hours? To know that this girl shares my same sun sign...well let's just say, I'm not thrilled.

But it made me think. Shit, if it didn't work with her, then how is it gonna work with me???? Maybe we're all just TOO different...

I still know though, that my willingness to sacrifice for him, and to prove myself to him is far greater than any pleasure he received from her sexually. And I am 116% sure that with a little guidance, my shit would be better than hers. I just need to be clear on what he likes and what he doesn't like. Her experience in the bed may be that of a pro--yeah I may be virginal (no penetration)---BUT---I want to give him...me.

Was reading this novella tonight titled, "Satisfy Me"....the main female character was a 22 year old virgin. A year older than myself. Something she said in the book struck a chord with me. I remember going back to campus with B almost 2 years ago. We were coming from the mall and talking about first times. I told her then that I wanted her best friend to be my first. She wasn't necessarily for or against it, because at the time I believe she wanted to protect BOTH of us from getting hurt. She asked me why....Just as the main character in that novella had stated, I answered, "Because I trust him".

To this day he is the only guy I've been intimate with.......I knew I wanted to experience my firsts with him because I trusted him, I felt comfortable around him, and I knew he knew what he was doing! As the year progressed and 2008 came under way, I was fully head-over-heels....*sigh*

We've been through a lot. But he (and others) are probably thinking that what we've endured doesn't even scratch the surface of what him and that girl went through...but ask me if I care? AND DON'T!!

What I'd ultimately like to happen is, he realizes that I am all he needs in a woman. We can help make each other that "all in all". I want him to let go of the past and look to the future...which Capricorn is best for you?

But....just as I discovered that cold day in February...if he doesn't choose me, I shouldn't dismay. It might be that it just wasn't meant to be. They always come back, anyway...once they realize their mistake. Problem is...it may be too late...

When it's all said and done, though, I want that man to be happy. That's all I want is happiness for his life. And that along with a piece of my heart is all that I can give him right now...

Research and Investigation

I'm launching an investigation. I can't divulge details, but I will say that it involves myself and the opposite sex, compatibility, and eventually pin-pointing what I'm really looking for in a man and a relationship.

Not saying the one I'm in now isn't going to work...but I AM 21...and there is so much more life to live (God willing)...so I can't limit myself in my thinking (like I did last year).

Aside from working on myself and the way I deal with certain situations, the way I manage time, and the way I come across to men, I will be investigating what it is that I am looking for exactly.

Yeah, true, I want my husband to be a carbon copy of my dad with the exception of looks (my dad is very handsome...but I don't want a nigga that looks like him. That's just too f'in weird, but you get my drift), but I also want someone who is spontaneous, romantic, and outgoing (which are qualities that my dad (nor me) doesn't necessarily possess. Basically I need someone to bring out the wild side of me in a relationship.

My mom has been suggesting for the last 2 years of my life that I sit down and make a list of things I DO want and things I DON'T want in a man and in a relationship. Pros and Cons. She said she did it, and it made things a hell of a lot more clear for her. So yeah...I think it's time, but I'm going to go a step further and get more detailed in my selection of DOs and DON'Ts...

So I've begun my preliminary research...finding out who my best and worst matches are according to astrology and sun signs. I'm kinda into astrology (not on some worship/religion tip), because it is super relatable to a broad spectrum of people who fall under the same sign, and sometimes that shit be dead on (more times than none for me). It just amazes me that people have studied other humans so extensively that they can generalize about ANYONE who has the same sign and postulate a correct assumption.

I'm going to write a dissertation...maybe...more like a paper...but nonetheless....and share it with the blogosphere and maybe facebook/myspace.

The first piece of my research I am going to share is the sun signs that are my best and worst matches...

WORST:
Aries
Libra

BEST:
Taurus
Virgo
Scorpio
Pisces

Next time I will share the names of guys who I've dealt with (crush, talked to, dated) in the past that fall under these signs, and whether or not I need to rethink giving them a second chance (or a chance at all if they haven't had one yet).

Oh, and this project needs a name....so yeah...I need to think on that.

If I would Have known....

Me and mama always say..."Patience is a Virtue"...

I had to do some waiting, but boy was it worth the wait

Not saying things are gonna be easy...they never really are

But when God puts someone in your life to give you opportunities and experiences that were never afforded to you before...you GOTTA know it's something special about that person.

Who opens the passenger door for me to get in and OUT of the car?

Who walks on the outside of the street making sure I'm out of harms way?

Who's feeding me spiritually, intellectually, and emotionally?

HE DOES/IS!!

He is a God-send! He's not perfect, however, and has his flaws. He can get busy with work and school...and not have time...we don't reside in the same city...

But...the difference with him and all the others is that he puts forth AN EFFORT!!! To me, trying and putting forth effort are two totally different things.

To try (according to Merriam-Webster Online) means "to make an attempt"...if you apply effort to this definition, little of it is made...

Effort, however, in its essence is a "conscious exertion of power; hard work; a SERIOUS attempt"...see the difference??

Where others failed to make the effort and do the BARE MINIMUM for me (I don't ask for much)...he picked up the slack ten-fold! He often says I give him way too much credit, but I just want him to understand how much I appreciate his attentiveness, his sensitivity to my needs, his affection....

Many females take these things for granted, but I don't know how to...all he asks in return is that I appreciate him...and I KNOW I can do that!! I AM DOING THAT! And I always will appreciate him, who he is, and what he does for me!!

I knew that there were good men out there somewhere...wonder where they are? In your face, probably...just like Dre was in mine...but we overlook them because they are "too nice"--not the proverbial "bad boy"...or maybe we overlook them because they too have been hurt and are hiding among the shadows as we are.

Who knows? But they DO exist, ladies!!! I got mine!! And I'm just so thankful!!

Updates and Shit

So on the 10th of January I got that all too familiar text message from ole dude basically telling me that we needed to chill out and he really wasn't ready for the direction I seemed to be leading him. He needs to focus on, and establish himself. He said that he may sound a little selfish, but if he doesn't do those things, who will? And buddy...i totally agree...I can't ESTABLISH you by any means, any more than I can establish my damn self. I totally agreed with everything he wrote in that text message...but the heartache was still there because at the time I felt that him needing to focus had nothing to do with US...but it did because in essence I WAS/AM a distraction to his goals...not necessarily a bad distraction, but one nonetheless...And to top it all off...this, my friends, was not the first time I'd seen this exact text message. It was the third time. So when was I gonna get the picture that he is not ready for me? When he's standing unwillingly at an altar, dreading the vows to come because he knows we're bonded for life after that?? No...so I nipped that shit in the bud. Gave him all the space he needed. We talked on the 14th...and he came at me with the, "You don't fuck with me no more" bit...and I'm like Whatthefuckever!!! But we had a good convo. He called again a few days later with the same line, and this time I told him what I'm telling you right now. He needs the space so I gave to him! When was I gonna get the hint, you know?!? "Oh so you mad over a lil text message, huh?" was his reply...my answer was No...I'm just doing what you asked. I still care about you, but all that other stuff is done. And I'm done. He got quiet and when I kept trying to talk he blurted out, "Let's just talk about something else", so we did. I changed the subject and we talked for a good bit after that. I knew things would be different from now on because instead of good night, we both said good-bye...But hopefully he's not so pissy that we can't continue to be friends...Anyhoo

On the 15th, my life changed for ever....well at least my love life. To make an amazingly long story short, this guy I've known since childhood calls me while I'm sitting at my aunt's house and he's like, "Happy Belated Birthday!! What you doin?" I told him I was with fam and he was like, "Are you free to go to the movies tonight?" I was like..no...plus my weave was fucked up so I definitely wasn't going out in public like that, let alone with a dude. So with his persistance, he suggests Sunday (the 16th), and I reluctantly agree...Sunday I avoided him...I even thought about backing out and telling him I couldn' go because I had to baby sit.... The problem wasn't him, persay...I just never really cared for EXTREMELY NICE, WELL-RAISED guys, which he is....He is very handsome, awesome body, extrememly intelligent and goal-oriented...but good girls like to go for bad and I wanted my thug!!!

But boy, am I glad I went on this date. Not only was it my first real date EVER, the dude treated me like a princess the WHOLE time. He opened his car door for me, he made sure I was on the inside of the street when we walked, he paid for the tickets (which is not TOO common these days for dudes my age). He was the PERFECT gentleman! Then after the movie and everything we go back to my house and just sit in the driveway for 2 hrs talking....I learned so much about how a man should be treating ME...not just any woman, but ME!! I am a good girl and well-deserving of true love.

This dude told me some stuff that had tears in my eyes. I know now that I should have never put myself in the position to be treated any less than what I am, and that is a freaking LADY! I am looking foward to getting to know him better and hopefully building a relationship. Our commonalities are uncanny and we have history, so the pros definitely outweigh the cons as far as first impressions. I love his style and his drive and the fact that he looks scrumptous doesn't hurt either. He's a true sweetheart and he brought back that little tingling feeling (no not the horny one) that you have all over your body when you feel loved...I haven't felt that in 6 years!!!! So yeah!! I'm happy and that's all that matters!

Deuces

And I Quote ": A dedication

Please listen to the song as you read the post, thanks!!

"Nothing worth having is easy to get." -Soror Ideal




I agree. Look at what all Cinderella had to go through to get her prince charming.


This post is dedicated to my friend Mel and other friends out there who feel like they can't win for losing. You give your heart and soul to a guy...everything short of your peace of mind, and the guy either does nothing with your gifts or throws them in the garbage can.

Without saying too much, I want you to know that like my soror said, "Nothing worth having is easy to get". As much as we want to hate the guys who take our hearts to the shredder on a daily, we can't. So we look for the silver lining under the grey cloud and remind ourselves, sometimes naiively that, "It ain't so bad". They are going to make us work for their love, something women rarely had to do in the generations that came before us. But don't give up. Nobody said this love thing would be easy...

Patience is a virtue. And we as young women have indeed been VERY patient, considerate, understanding, and uplifting to these guys who in one minute can see forever in our eyes and the next not see a future with us. I am learning this stuff as I constantly ride the rollercoaster of, no not love, but of self-discovery. I'm on a train, and he is the conductor. I am but a passenger, along for the ride. I can choose to get off whenever I please, but it ain't that simple, is it? Nope, because they read our thoughts, and know what we plan to do before we do it. We have to master the game that is being played, try to protect our hearts, but also let down our guards just enough to let him get through the door. See, I told you it wasn't simple. Well, there's hope.

One of my favorite Bible verses is 1 Corinthians 2:9. It reads thusly: But as it is written, Eye hath not seen, nor ear heard, neither have entered into the heart of man, the things which God hath prepared for them that love him.

These words get me through EVERY let down I have, whether it be with grades or with guys. I believe in this verse because it gives me hope, it promises to me that God has a plan and wonderful things in store for me. The ones we love the most, may not love us in the same way. It is painful to think that these guys we like/love may not be THE ONE for us. Whoever God has for us, is OUT THERE...and though it's hard to think anyone could be better than our boos...that guy (if it's not them) IS better...much better!

I've endured many let-downs over the years, particularly in the relationship department. But when the last tear falls down my eye, after reading 1 Corin. 2:9 I know that I'm just one step closer to the unbelievable man God will place in my life to be my help mate. Yes I am anxious, but Patience is a virtue. Galatians 6:9 says: And let us not be weary in well doing: for in due season we shall reap, if we faint not.

Mel, our time is coming. I know sometimes we want to believe that the guy we care about SO MUCH is going to be the one, but we have to, even if in the back of our minds, accept the fact that this may not be so. We can only pray that the undeniable bonds we have formed with these young men will blossom and flourish into wonderful, long-lasting relationships.

If he is indeed doing his own thing, my advice would be to remain supportive of him. Continue to be his friend, and if nothing else kill him with kindness. One of two things may happen. 1) He will realize the error of his ways and come running back to your arms or 2) you will be so busy being nice and not caring that the guy of your dreams will appear, as if out of no where.

Call it a fairy-tale or wishful thinking, but then again, what is so wrong with fairy-tales? Some dreams do come true, and some stories do have happy endings. Only time will tell the truth, but something tells me that if we keep believing in ourselves, and that love is alive and out there, we will see our pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.



Remember: "Eye hath not seen, nor ear heard". It IS WRITTEN. Claim it for yourself, and believe in it. I am here for you!

ETA: I'd rather have him in friendship than nothing at all.

Tooth Ache

Something seems to be wrong with one of my back teeth. There is this sharp, cold feeling everytime I chew something corse in the back of my mouth. It doesn't really hurt, it's just annoying. I can't even enjoy these chocolate chip cookies for my tooth aching.

I feel that same cold, sharp feeling in my heart about...well...In my mind, I tell myself that everything will be okay, I try to look to the future for a ray of hope, yet find myself missing the hell out of him. I need more lemon heads. Wait a minute...

A thought just occurred. Do I miss him, or the thought of being WITH him? How can I miss something or someONE I never had? But I HAVE HAD thoughts of being with him, and now those same ideals are being clouded and shut down by the immenent thoughts of being withOUT him.

Patience is indeed a virtue. I tend to have to wait a long time for things I want badly, so this patience thing is nothing new. In fact, this was my MAIN mantra while I was going through intake with AKA. Patience is a virtue. Patience is a virtue. Patience is a virtue. That's what I kept telling myself and others. Patience. It was written on my wall, and I believed in it. I needed that belief, that hope that if I waited, was patient and endured, I would weather the storm and come out victorious in my pursuit.

So in a moment of self-realization, isn't this the same thing? Shouldn't I have the patience, and maybe the maturity to say, "okay" and let him go...for good? He may or may not be THE ONE for me, and I have to come to terms with that. I am in love with the THOUGHT of being in love with him. But it has become painstakingly obvious over the course of over half a year that love with him may not be in my forecast after all. It's so hard to accept this, and I think that is what hurts the most. I have to learn how to just be his FRIEND ONLY again.

He doesn't know this, but I liked him maybe the second time I hung out around him. The initial meeting was a blur, and my sights were set else-where, but not long after did my attentions drift toward him... ...I want the feeling of wanting him to GO AWAY...please?



I feel so desolate and unfulfilled. Selfishly I ask, "When will it be my turn?" I shouldn't be going out looking for love. It should just come to me, right? Will it never come because I chose to pursue it? I'm afraid of being left alone forever. Destined to smile faintly in the faces of friends as they embark on journeys of love and happiness, destined to watch them dance away in the moon light, as I...wringing my hands, look up and wonder when?

I'm afraid that when love comes, I won't know what to do with it. And that thought is actually quite funny to me at the moment *laughs*. See, I have all the answers for him right now, but...if I were truly in love, would I have words at all? Mama says I won't know what to do with myself. I mean, I'm soooo sure now, but when it really happens, will I go into panic mode? Probably...

My heart is aching, and my mind is filled with turmoil...I'm not in love...so why? Can the thought of love really do this much damage?! I would imagine so...*looks at self*. In time, love will find its way into my heart..."will I be ready" is the question.

FUCK Summer Lovin

That's RIGHT! I said it! Fuck summer love. I'm so over it. I've basically come to the realization that I'm not going to get what I want out of that man-boy because he isn't ready. I can't force someone to be in a relationship no matter how much he likes me or I like him. If distance is an issue now, it will be an issue later. And maybe mama is right. Maybe he is PISSED that I left Chell on the phone for so long. That always happens and not too long after that, my "situation" with the guy falls apart. I figure that we will just always be good friends or something. But he said the same thing last night that he said 6 months ago, "I know you, but I don't know you"... REALLY NOW? But I guess he's right, in a sense.

And he gave the hypothesis that it'd be different if we'd grown up together and he KNEW me...the distance thing wouldn't matter much. But then he says he doesn't not trust me, or himself...so...then...contradiction perhaps? Maybe...

He's afraid of taking chances...that's what I chalk it up as, but I do admit that we wouldn't have much of a relationship. DISTANCE is the BIG TICKET issue here, y'all just don't understand. So I'm done trying to fight it. We're 4 hours apart at worst and 1.5 hours at best...talk about huge sacrifices for someone you don't know.

He says I shouldn't sit around waiting on him (cuz he knows he's not gonna tell me what I want to hear any time soon, plus he probably is already courting another girl). I should talk to other dudes or whatever. (But I fear there's not another quite like him out there...)

Mom says I should talk to other guys, that I may in fact miss out on a wonderful opportunity waiting on him. JLavada said he's probably talking to someone else. Whatever, I'm through trying.

6 months, and it got me absolutely no where...well I can't say that completely. I gained a unique friendship with a unique guy who is very intelligent, insightful, charming, and funny. Will he ever be mine? Who knows?

So I end this post with a quote from DMX

"If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, it's yours. If it doesn't, it never was".

For him to be so crazy, he sure makes a lot of sense at times. Poetic at best, ey? Well, I'm out...

P.S. Good morning...

I's going back to WORK today

Yes, people! I start back at the RSA today. I'm a lil excited, a lil nervous, a lil sleepy even. But crazy thing is, I could not stay sleep last night. Lately a lot of my nights have been restless. I can't really say I'm stressed out about school and my grades, cuz hey, it is what it is. I think it moreso has to do with anticipation of the future, specifically the next coming weeks and months. I have so much to do and plan for...I dunno. Then I'm always thinking about him, and what he's doing, and what he's thinking about, and why I can't be where he is.

I need something to happen between us stat. Some words of encouragement to be exchanged or something....I just want to talk to him. I returned his phone call last night to get NOTHING and then sent him a text message and got NOTHING. Last time this happened the end results were not pretty, he was back with his ex and I thought we would never be cool again.

Is it normal to care about somebody, but feel like you shouldn't care because of extinuating circumstances? I feel that way sometimes when it comes to him. I, in some way, feel WRONG for liking him because of who his best friend is, who his cousin is...I mean, I feel like there is some unspoken tension between me and his best friend, who I consider a friend, but after some stuff went down with the previously mentioned incident, I don't think things will ever be the same.

People care about LOYALTY...and in most cases it's all in who you've known longer. I believe that depending on the situation, yes that logica is relevant, but in matters of the heart, it shouldn't be. You can't help who you love, or in my case, like... ...
If I could flick a switch and not care about him anymore, I wouldn't flick it. I feel like if folks can't be happy for us if we end up together then they were never friends to either one of us to begin with.

I feel like I have so much to tell him, but we're in that phase now that I usually get in with most guys I talk to. It's like we're calling each other now, but have no conversation, really. We've practically talked about EVERYTHING under the sun, avoiding deep discussion of relationships, marriage, and children. But now it's like awkward silence 47% of the time :-(. I don't know what to do, but it's nothing new, I guess.

I just want him to be happy, that's all. But I'd love it if he could be happy with me. Yeah we live far apart from each other...but "ain't no mountain high enough"...ya know? I somehow wish he could read this blog, understand my feelings and tell me how he feels. Cuz I don't know...or maybe I do, I just want to hear him say it. But he often does not give me what I want...I have to in some way work for it...he doesn't spoon-feed me compliments, or boost me up. I was so surprised when he complimented me on my pink dress I wore to the Alpha probate. He said i looked, "sexy". I wish he coulda seen the look on my face!

But that's the thing. He truly doesn't know how he makes me feel, and I guess he wo't know unless I tell him, but I just don't know the words to say. My BIGGEST problem is that I'm afraid of losing him, and I don't want to scare him away...what to do?

I know if I never tell him how I feel I will lose him eventually...tried that once...it worked, but it didn't. Guess I can say it got my foot in the door. But when it's all said and done....does he want me...like I want him....FOR REAL?

True Feelings

I just needed somewhere to get this out that is not facebook. This brand of honesty is not ready for facebook yet...forgive me for not starting this month off "right" or whatever that might mean, but I have to do this...

I am literally and utterly sick to my stomach. What started out as picture-perfect, unbelievable and truly a blessing has ended up being something that has potentially damaged my heart even more, and in effect caused me to have EVEN more trust issues with guys. When will this sick cycle end? When will guys STOP coming into my life, just to see what they can get, then dip if I give the wrong answer.

I have been through some weird shit within the past 2 wks, and it’s crazy, because I haven’t been in a situation like this since when it didn’t matter…and now that it’s happening again, it’s been so long that I don’t know how to deal.

First things first, however. So it all starts out with a facebook message in mid-October. The young man sending me the message happens to be someone I’d admired from afar ALL freshman year. I told myself, “It’s something about him, but he’s too damn good for me.” Little did I know just how GOOD he was. I fell deep and hard for him, because he was (and still IS) the epitome of what I wanted in a man: sexy, educated, well-rounded, responsible, funny, and most of all, a Christian. I just knew he would bring out the “woman” in me if you will. I just knew it.

We’d talk on the computer about random stuff, and then one day he made a comment which prompted me to ask for his number, which he freely gave. He got mine and that was that. I texted him once, he texted back but by then, the message was irrelevant and since that day I haven’t really spoken to him. I sent him a message on his birthday, to which he replied that he had been SUPA busy and hadn’t had much of a birthday, and then…I didn’t hear from him again.

I don’t know what to make of the situation. Should I just take it as he’s no longer interested, or should I continue to try to squeeze something, anything out of him in resemblance to an explanation? He just crossed Kappa. I sent him a message of Congratulations. No reply.



So in the meantime and between time, I cultivated minute feelings for a friend into a huge crush. And since I have always felt so comfortable around him, I got the “smart” idea to tell him. OMG…I wish I would have kept my damn mouth closed now. I didn’t know. But anyway, long story short, cuz there’s really nothing to tell at this point: He’s also SUPA busy with stuff he’s doing so he hasn’t been able to call or say much to me over the computer. Thinking about it, and how I just told him how I felt (and really got no solid response) hurts my heart and makes me want to cry. No one understands…not even the Baby.

Yeah, then there’s the Baby…all I will say about him is that he’s a GREAT friend, but lately I feel like he’s hiding something from me. Like he’s not telling me the truth. When I first started talking to him, he was very open and gave me GREAT advice, and he’s only 18…I’ll be 20 in a bout a month. His words seemed wise beyond his years and well-thought out. Fast forward to this week…and he is very short with me on the computer (which is where we talk about this stuff), and very loving and sweet in person. He warms my heart and offers a nice distraction from the other two.


This leads me to this point. I keep telling my Baby that I’m really hurt by what so-and-so did….he hurt me and so on. I keep telling him that, not knowing if I’m being truthful or not. It’s not until I actually sit down and think about it, about my situations that I truly start to feel bad, sad, miserable, and depressed. I choke on a few tears; pieces of my heart seem to crumble to the bottom of my empty stomach. I can’t eat for real these days…not much of an appetite I guess. And no, it’s not healthy, but it’s the only way I can deal right now. I pray about it though. I NEED to take it to the WORD…praying is not enough. I looked at 1 Corinthians 2:9 again today, and I just can’t help but think God has something TERRIFIC in store for me coming in the near future. Brittni and my mama claimed it, and out of all the people who give me advice, I trust them the most. I really do. Brittni has a certain spirit about her that leaves her to be objective, to think of all possibilities and angles of the situation without immediately getting emotionally attached to a situation that does not belong to her. I love her to death and it was meant for us to be friends all along.

But yeah, so with a heavy heart, I sit and wonder. I mean, people can say, “Just put it in God’s hands”…and for the most part I have. But God only helps those who help themselves, hence why I keep trying to communicate with the Kappa and told the other guy that I liked him. I keep my options open and I take advantage of opportunities as they arise. I’m just waiting on the opportunity to love someone and have them love me back.

It gets so lonely, and for the 1500th time, I don’t want a relationship. I just want a “friend”, and people with mature minds know what I mean…that “official boo”…he’s not my man (technically), but he’s always there when I need him for WHATEVER and vice versa, he’s cool with my fam and I with his, there for support in all aspects of each other’s life, respecting whatever physical boundaries have been placed…but ultimately no title…Just an intense and intimate friendship—that has the potential to be much more. But baby steps first right?

AND THAT’S ALL I’VE BEEN DOING!! But I can’t seem to make it past step 3. So now what? Mama said I should just not worry about it. It’s the holidays and negros actin funny cuz they don’t wanna buy Christmas gifts. I KNOW none of these guys well enough to be purchasing gifts for them…it’s not even that serious, so I mean, I see what mama is saying, but her logic is hella flawed. I just think one got tired of me, one is too busy for me, and the other one just doesn’t get it, and would be too busy for me.

So at this point, my romantic situation is at a stand still. Lately I’ve been making all the moves, and taking charge…which is something I’ve never had to do before. Telling dude I liked him felt good, but waiting on him to call me back for 3 days after I’d call him was not fun! And all that other jazz…

And then there’s the question of: what if they all start acting right?
I have the answer: I would choose the Kappa. And I have my reasons.

I told the guy I liked him because he is my friend, has been for a full year, and the crush that had recently developed, was weighing heavy on my heart and mind, and I felt like he should know that his homegirl has a crush on him. To which he responded, “We need to get to know each other…I know you, but I don’t know you.” Which I understand and accept…but again, no moves have been made on his part…

The ball is in their court. I’ve already served. I’m tired…and I’m tired of my heart cracking under all this pressure.

I need a break, I need my family. I even called my cuz (something I RARELY ever do) to tell her I miss her, cuz I do…See what romantic problems do for a girl (me) in relation to her family? Knowing them, they’d want this type of shit to happen to me more often…but naw, like I said, I’m through pursuing. I knew it was something that I never wanted to do, but still I was forced to, and it isn’t a walk in the park. But I guess in every girl’s life, there comes a time when she has to venture out and see if she can get a man, instead of the other way around, ya know. It was so easy back in 9th grade. All I had to do was look and smile at a nigga and I had em in the palm of my hand. That still works…to a degree…but instead of them being in my hand, they just return the smile or glance and expect me to do all the work. Whatever…I’m through. I’m done. I wash my hands of this bull shit. What ever will be will be…seriously. If you want to talk to me, you have my number, you know how and where to reach me.

--DEUCE!

Ummm...Hell naw...

So um, are some of these guys kidding me? Are they seriously going to run around and beg to be chased? In my opinion, none of them (except my object of desire) is worthy enough to be chased. They have the game twisted horribly and need a freakin reality check and some private lessons from some real men. Makes no damn sense how many girls wanna get with these niggas, and all they do is smile and nod...THAT'S IT, and I kid you NOT!!!

When they see girls coming their way that they don't know, or don't hang with regularly, what do they do...? SMILE and M&Fin NOD...a hot mess...I have no time for that.

My parents were old fashioned in their courting. My dad spotted my mom, asked his football coach about her (his football coach was my mom's aunt's baby-daddy), they prolly talked a while and then exchanged digits. I know mama used to tell me daddy would ride over to her house from campus or his apartment ON A BICYCLE and visit her. My mom saw something special in him for doing that...Many men would have been too embarrassed to court on a bike...he could have asked one of his homeboys to drop him off...But all that didn't matter! What mattered is that he wanted the girl...that's ALL that mattered.

These days, the trifling negros I come into contact with on a daily basis are more concerned about their "waves", their jewlery, their cars, and clothes...how many stacks they got and who they're impressing...They want the females they are interested in to be thinking and worrying about the same thing (and we all know females can take that kind of shit to a whole 'nother level). But how the hell is that gonna work out when you got two self-centered materialistic mfers, no one is concerned about the passion and chemistry in the relationship--if that person can treat you right or make you smile...naw...they worried about who gone look the best when they go to the Continental that weekend. GET OFF!!!

I can attest to the fact that this is indeed a rant, but I'm highly disliking what I'm seeing around my campus and around my hometown. Negroes...take a step back and look at some things realisticly. SOMEBODY HAS TO CONTRIBUTE TO THE SUSTAINING AND MAINTAINING OF A RELATIONSHIP...that's why that shit don't ever work!! (Jessyca, here's the answer to your question, boo right here!). Worried about the wrong damn thing!

I was on somebody's myspace the other day, looking at one of those surveys we all like to take. When the part about what he likes in a female came up, most of responses were "hers"...when they asked what kind of body type, he answered "hers", when they asked what eye color he answered "hers"... It was a beautiful thing to see that he is interested in her--FOR HER. She ain't gotta come to him with stacks on deck, she ain't gotta be the flyyest thing walking. If he sees "her" and likes what he sees, then it's all about her. That shit just really touched my soul! And I mean, we all have specificities and ain't nothin wrong with that, technically. But it just boggled my mind that this guy has it all figured out. I believe that survey showed where his mind is at and that he knows how to treat a girl. WHOEVER snags him is going to be one LUCKY ass female! That is a promise.

But yeah, there are more thoughts swimming through my head about this topic, but I think it's about time for me to get ready for church...so I'll HOLLA when I get the chance! ONE!!!

Shallow side of Me: What I Usually Look for In A Guy (physically)

1) Light-skinned boys (this is totally a preference and subject to change, cuz I honestly like them in ALL SHADES!) make me wanna drop my draws (lol, for real, but only the cute ones). And I haven't met too many UGLY light-skinned guys. I mean I know they're out there, but then again I don't know many light-skinned dudes to begin with. And the only reason a few of them might be ugly to me is if they're light and SHORT (something about that is not very attractive, imo, but I have made an exception in the past--only to get slighted! Darn those short, light muhfuccas [except you RM and GS]!!).

2) Average-to-tall height. This means they are taller than me (I'm 5'4), but no taller than 6'6. I can't do nothin over that, cuz I'm naturally drawn to "shorties" (5'6-5'8) anyway. But some tall dudes, like this one basketball player at school (WHOOO) do it for me!

3) Built or a little meat on the bones. I don't do obese, and I'm just keeping it real. I'm not completely in shape, and by a doctor's standards I may infact be "obese", but I look no where near it. If anything, I'm "thick" (size 10-12, and have a big bust), so that puts me around 140-155 mark...hate it or love it, baby girl got something to hold on to. But I really really love musuclar and toned "slim" dudes. I don't like meat-heads or bean poles (EWWWW). And I love "chubby" boys too, but you gotta carry that shit WELL, and have a CUTE face (no Sean Kingston). I'm really not that picky. If some of you saw who I find "attractive", you'd probably slap me and ask me am I blind. But sometimes personality wins them over for me!

4) Big hands and feet. I know that sounds funny and stereotypical, but I don't want to date someone whose feet are smaller than mine. I've been dealt a bad hand which included size 10 feet (snicker all you want muhfuccas). But my hands are small and dainty :-). Just please have appendages that are larger than mine, that's all I ask.

5) ALL OF YOUR TEETH!!! Nuff said

6) Good hair (as in waves, braids, or dreds) is very attractive to me. My friend EB has the cutest hair. When it grows it gets really curly, but when he cuts it, NATURAL WAVES appear. Not too much brushin fa my boo! Braids imo, are getting played the fucc out, especially on GROWN MEN! Take them shits down and get some twists or dreds. Worn correctly, I believe dreds and twists look more professional than braids, anyway! And I'd love to run my fingers through a guys hair...that shit is sexy, IMO!!!

7) Guys with a MEAN LIP GAME! It's not hard to find a black guy with big juicy, succulent lips...just make sure they stay that way, fellas! And lick them often, cuz that shit is a KILLER!! I promise!!

8) Pretty eyes. Everybody ain't blessed with hazels, greys, or even color contacts...so I label this as a plus.

There's this one guy that I KNOW fits every one of my criteria, including the eyes and naturally wavy hair...he's light skinned and JUST THE RIGHT HEIGHT!! But guess what ladies....



Naw, he's not gheigh (gay for slow folks)....


HE HAS A GIRL! HELL!!!! But man, he looked at me during Church this past Sunday, with those green-hazel eyes...and I MELTED! We were separated by my play-play "brother", and both asking him at the same time what Bible verse the pastor had just called out...WHOOO...I wanted to die!

SB...look me up if YOU EVER become interested. I'll drop everything and we can hook up and hang out! (LOL...) But yeah, I might be missing something, but oh well, who cares. Every guy is different, and where one is lacking in a certain area, he probably makes up for it in the others...

**AND THIS IS JUST APPEARANCE-WISE....
Cuz guess what folks, no matter what anybody says, you don't see somebody's PERSONALITY, VALUES, MORALS, OR BELIEFS FIRST...you see their outside. Whether or not you get to know them for who they are determines if they are beautiful, sexy, and attarctive to you on the inside as well. When I see someone and they're "fine"...yeah, that catches my attention...but can they keep it...cause looks alone, JUST WON'T DO!


And with that, I'm out (for now...) "Peace be still."

Michael muhfuccin Ealy (wit his fine self)!!!

Caramel Zeus from an Overcooked vegetable

As some of you may know, or have gathered...I'm single. Been that way since early 2005. I've given love a shot, only to GET SHOT in the back by dudes who were just trying to take me too fast. Don't get me wrong, I've had encounters, and kissed a few lips since then. But nothing beats a relationship, and knowing that your heart belongs to someone and vice versa.

I haven't failed in anything yet (in my opinion), and a relationship is the last thing I want if I'm not COMPLETELY ready for it...but...companionship would be NICE...

On a softer note, since this is not a rant...there is this guy...OMG is he fine!! I don't know if it's his looks or his swagger, but he definitely has SOMETHING that attracts me. He's not light-skinned (which I have a thing for, call me shallow...), and he's NOT tall (but I'm not biased to tall dudes, I usually go for average height anyway). So what is it?

The guy has the MOST GORGEOUS SMILE I've ever seen on a caramel dude (my second favorite skin tone on a guy). He carries himself with the highest confidence and self-esteem. His hair is gorgeous...makes me think he has some Indian in him somewhere down the line. And even after a car accident that left scars on his face, he's still HOTT STUFF!

Doesn't hurt that his folks have stacks on deck either...but it's not even about that. What gets me is his swagger and persona. And I'm not the only girl who's noticed it! Me and my homie Monie used to fight over him ALL the time (in jest). And she claims she "gives up" and I can "have" him...we'll see!

But for real, dude is a SITE FOR SORE EYES! And he is BUILT...and he seems like a genuinely nice person. But I'll never know until I have a convo with him. He seems so unapproachable and so NOT ON MY LEVEL...he's a socialite, if you will. But hey...something's gotta give. And he showed interest in my by...well if I said that, I'd be giving him away, so I'll hush. But yeeahhh...He know what's up!! I believe things will change for him and I this semester...I just got that feeling...