FINAL WORD....

For anyone who came to this blog and supported me and my blog journey here at STG, THANKS! I appreciate the encouraging words from all of you, you'll never really know how much. I need to discontinue this blog, however, for closure and the purpose of moving on with my life. When writing and blogging is your passion, it can become very time-consuming, and real talk, I'm trying to walk out of UAB with a diploma in my hand on 12/18/2010, FA REAL!!! I just need to revamp and refocus, and STG represents a stage in my life (though brief) where I was pretty much carefree....

Life has gotten much more REAL and complicated for me these last 9 months (and no, no baby, lol), and I feel like I need to start fresh. If I'm gonna blog, I need to start a new one...for my own sanity. I had a lot of fun times here at STG, but now it's time to move on. I still visit the blogs and websites of those who supported me/commented on my posts. I know I don't comment often or sometimes at all, but I'm still there taking in y'all's wisdom, knowledge, and experience--learning and trying new things where it applies. My hope is that when I start anew, that these same people will find my little corner of the blogosphere and be able to ride the new journey out with me. I can't say when that time will be, but when it happens, it'll be right.

Thanks again everyone (esp. KIT)....see you soon....

Coming out of Hiatus BRIEFLY to post some WISDOM...

Titled: "If a man wants you"


If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away.
If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay.
Stop making excuses for a man and his behavior.
Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache.
Stop trying to change yourselves for a relationship that's not meant to be.
Slower is better.
Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy.
If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve then heck no, you can't "be friends." A friend wouldn't mistreat a friend.
Don't settle.
If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is.
Don't stay because you think "it will get better." You'll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better.
The only person you can control in a relationship is you.
Avoid men who've got a bunch of children by a bunch of different women.
He didn't marry them when he got them pregnant, Why would he treat you any differently? Always have your own set of friends separate from his.
Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you.
If something bothers you, speak up.
Never let a man know everything. He will use it against you later.
You cannot change a man's behavior. Change comes from within.
Don't EVER make him feel he is more important than you are...even if he has more education or in a better job. Do not make him into a quasi-god. He is a man, nothing more nothing less.
Never let a man define who you are.
Never borrow someone else's man.
Oh Lord!? If he cheated with you, he'll cheat on you.
A man will only treat you the way you ALLOW him to treat you.
All men are NOT dogs.
You should not be the one doing all the bending... compromise is a two-way street.
You need time to heal between relationships..........there is nothing cute about baggage... deal with your issues before pursuing a new relationship.
You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you... a relationship consists of two WHOLE individuals... look for someone complimentary...not supplementary.
Dating is fun...even if he doesn't turn out to be Mr.. Right.
Make him miss you sometimes...when a man always know where you are, and your always readily available to him- he takes it for granted.
Don't fully commit to a man who doesn't give you everything that you need.
Keep him in your radar but get to know others.

Share this with other ladies..... You'll make someone SMILE, another RETHINK her choices, and another woman PREPARE. They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them and an entire lifetime to forget them. AND FYI, THIS WAS WRITTEN BY A MAN, SO TAKE A HINT..............

Side bar

Just a note to say that I am taking an indefinite hiatus from STG...tired...I need new direction and focus. I need a muse, and I don't have one...Mike is gone...I need a break!

My twin has a diary blog. I will post with her. Can't say everything I wanna say on here, like I used to be able to. A new day has dawned.

I will be back periodically if I get the urge to drop somethin...changing the "P.O.W." in the side bar. Check it out...

Life is funny. The toughest teacher in the world. And it's always showing you what you in fact, KNOW is true, but don't wanna believe.

Today is a new day and my focus needs a dramatic shift. I'm headed in the right direction. Just need some guidance.

I drop lines over at my.space every now and then. So if you find me on there....I write from time to time, lately, more frequently than over here...

School is what's most important. Other things come later.

The Lord is my Shephard...I need to get right! I have issues that need to be resolved. I need ME time. I need...prayer...

Constantly fighting urges to do wrong. Lord, please get me to the 17th aka the "light at the end of the tunnel".

This is it for my ramblings. It for STG posts for a while. I will return....when I'm good and ready.

Good Day!

We Lost Farrah and Michael in the same day...

I couldn't get myself to make a post yesterday. It is what it is. I'm emotionally spent, I just hope that Farrah is resting peacefully in heaven. She suffered for 3 long years with cancer. Not to overshaddow her death, but Michael Jackson's was unexpected at best!

And as for Mike......he suffered all his life. The mental, verbal, and physical abuse at the hands of a man who is supposed to protect and provide. Constant scrutiny by the media, the inability to experience a true childhood, and consequently NOT being able to grow up. Being injustly accused of sexual deviancy by money hungry ass-holes who hit the jack-pot in this "get-rich-quick-scheme"...Michael was lonely, and he never grew up, if you couldn't tell...I hurt most for him, because I know he endured over 2 decades of emotional turmoil and media scrutiny. Seemed like he could never get it right.

My mama raised me on Mike and The Jackson 5! I love them...I will always cherish the memories I have of his music. His legacy will live on. My God bless his soul, and may he find a resting place among the angels.

CSW

Forebidden Fruit

So...long story short, I have a crush on this guy who is more or less forebidden fruit. See, as long as I can remember, I've had this rule where if one of my friends (and even in some cases associates) dates a guy, then he is off limits to me. Now there are terms and conditions, but that's the basic gist of the rule.

Well, my crush is the ex of a friend of mine....and they broke up maybe almost a year ago, but my friend is still in love with this man.........so........

But the thing is, he told a mutual friend there was no way he and his ex were getting back together...that it just wouldn't work. Then he told her that he thought I was kinda cute and that I was "thick" and asked her if I was friends with his ex. The friend changed the subject...

Now...this dude is pretty much the total package. I won't get into his credentials, but he is. And he is soooooo handsome, like he has this boyish quality about him. AND HE HAS DIMPLES and I LOVE DIMPLES....especially on my men!!!

He would be perfect for me, had he not already been with someone who I consider a friend. I respect my friend far too much to tread on dangerous territory and risk our friendship over a guy. Now, if he and I become friends and develop something from that, and we fall in love with each other...now that can't be helped, and somewhere in her heart I'd hope she would understand.

Either way, it's a touchy subject....he is so fine.....damn!!!

So as I turn in to bed tonight, Imma say a special prayer for him cuz he got in a lil situation. I hope he is okay.

Signing off....

*side note*

My prophyte A.O. is my f'in shero!!! I love you, Soror!!!!

Oh Yeah...(Randomness)

And remember how I told y'all i shouldn't make drinking a habit because I have an addictive personality??!


Well, let's just say I'm well on my way to becoming an alcoholic. This is essentially a cry for help...so take it like you wanna.

Question Is....Are virgins NOT the bizness anymore??!?

Hopefully this will prove to be a regular segment on STG, but who knows. Life is very sporadic these days, although chock full of drama...

Anywhoo...guess who came back into my life a couple of weeks ago? See previous post. Things didn't go like I had hoped and imagined they would. THAT GIRL was there at his basic training graduation in full effect, like I suspected...whatevs....he got his shit (cell phone, etc) back so now he can make phone calls. He called twice last weekend...

Dude, I just don't know anymore. There is no stand-still...there is no nothing between he and I. We are just friends (especially in his eyes) and I should just accept that shit and move on...

In an attempt to strike conversation last night (we were texting), I asked his opinion on a topic me and some of my homeboys were talking about. They were saying that dudes don't want to fuck with a virgin AT ALL if they don't have to...(basic gist--meaning relationship and/or sex)

I asked what he thought...if he felt like this was true. I said this:

"I remember when virgins used to be hot commodities. Do y'all just not want to deal with them (us)?"

He said:

"Sexually yes. Emotionally no."



It spoke volumes to me, but...WTF does that mean? I didn't ask, because I don't want him to think that I care. But he really just killed my hopes of us being together anytime soon and him being my first. SOMEBODY has to endure the "emotions" that come with a virgin, or else she will be one for the rest of her life. Whatever happened to a guy thinking that you are so special that he WANTS to be your first? I understand that he doesn't want the drama...but, shit! He basically told me in so many words that he doesn't want to deal with me because of my virginal status...I will admit that I tried to get him to commit to me before I would give him the pussy (and it failed), but am I wrong for wanting my first time to be special and the fruition of a committed relationship? Guess so. In his defense, maybe I'm SOOOOO special that he doesn't want to hurt me...doesn't want to be the cause of any emotional distress I might experience after the fact. He doesn't want to be the face behind my regrets (if I have any)...maybe that's what it is.

My emotions fucked me up that night. His whole demeanor changed after I told him that the pussy was for committed situations only. I sensed that shit immediately.

Emotionally, virgins (maybe even the girl who's virginity you took) can be unstable and clingy. I know that I wanted to give myself to him...first, if not forever. I know that I didn't plan on sharing him after that...you know? Guess he still tryna sew his royal oats. Can't fault him, cuz he's still hella young.

I just pray he doesn't come around after I've lost my virginity to someone else, looking for a second chance. Not only will I be a beast in the bedroom, but also a cold, heartless, calculating, CNB-attitude....bitch!

He don't wanna see me!

OUT

p.s. future posts such as these will be short and to the point with question and responses.

...

I am just utterly disgusted at myself for feeling this way. I haven't been able to sleep for the past two nights...thinking and reminiscing on the past...dreaming, wishing, and hoping for the future...I can't seem to get rid of these emotions, and my only excuse is that I dealt with dude for a year...A year and some change dealing with the same person, and actually caring deeply for them is not something easily let go of...I'm confused and I don't know what to do...

I have dreams of me going to his basic training graduation, with a cute little green and white dress on, some cute heels, my hair flowing down my back and a gift for him in my hand. He looks surprised to see me, and asks, "How'd you get up here?" really not expecting me to be there. "I drove" would be my reply with a smirk on my face...I'd hand him his gift and give him a hug...then I'd be pushed to the background to let other family and friends congratulate him on his huge accomplishment. He's going farther than his daddy ever did, and for that I know he's proud. And I'm proud too...

He'd ask me if I want to go to dinner with them. I'd oblige. I'd sit in the midst of his family and loved ones, and all eyes would be on him...and me...She would be there too...pregnant, maybe with his child(hopefully not), but no one would care. Compliments would shower me. "Why aren't you and Ant togther?" one would ask. "Y'all would make such a cute couple" another would chime in. I'd blush and keep quiet...He'd probably say nothing as well. She would make some smart remark, but a family member, perhaps his grandma would shut her ass down.

He'd glance longlingly at me, a faint smile crossing his lips. I'd meet his gaze and smile back. My cousin would call telling me it's time to go. I'd take my leave...his mom standing up to hug me and kiss me on the cheek. "I hope to see you again" she would say. I'd wave good bye to his niece whom I simply adore, and bid farewell to the rest. He'd be standing all the while and follow me out of the door.

We'd stand outside, face to face. The wind would blow ever so slightly. "Well..." I'd reach for a hug and he would meet me with a full embrace. "Thanks for coming". "Of course!" I'd smile sweetly at him, but inside my heart would long....."I'm so proud of you!" I'd touch his face. "Well, I gotta go. See you later, keep in touch. Don't forget me..." is what I'd say, and then I'd get in the car and drive off....him watching as the car pulled off to its journey.

I wonder if this experience has changed him any? I wonder. I think I'm in love with him. My heart is telling me I am. My mind and body are too. But so much doubt has crept in and clouded my view. I loved him. I would do most anything for him. And all I want is for him to be ultimately, happy. And he knows this for I've told him several times. Our friendship doesn't mean anything if he's not happy.

There was a time where I wanted to be the one to make him happy, the one to make him smile and want to come home. I wanted to give him the world. Every feminine fiber in my being that I could muster up to give him undeniable pleasure...I was ready. I wanted to prove to him my worth. I wanted to love him, and be loved by him. But somehow I fell short.

I refused to believe that I couldn't MAKE him fall in love. I didn't want to believe that it was a process and that it either happened or it didn't. I believe in fairy tales and happy endings, and I choose to believe that when your mind and heart are in sync and they tell you to love a person, that you do just that. And that's all your will allows you to do.

School work---of no consequence, and I suffered for it. But nothing could compare to the joy--constant joy he brought me on most nights. I loved him....and he didn't even know it. Hell, I don't think I even knew until about a couple of weeks ago.

He is the one that single handedly made me smile, laugh, dance, cry, feel giddy, think on a spiritual and philosophical level. He helped me gain common sense, he helped me to be more tough. He taught me a lot about myself, and for that alone, I am indebted. I wanted to give him everything.

But now I see I fall short...so very short. I can't undo what time has done. How distances have favored another over me. How shared experiences with her are of no comparison to mine...I just don't measure up. Plus I want committment...a promise of fidelity, or at least monogamy...

I am honestly upset...at myself for not being all that he wants or needs. I am upset at him for not looking past the front gate to see what's outside of the fence. I am mad at her for capitalizing on that shit!

But to be honest, who's to say he hasn't left both our asses alone? You know what I found out? Her's and my birthdays are exactly a day apart, and who's to say a whole 24 hours? To know that this girl shares my same sun sign...well let's just say, I'm not thrilled.

But it made me think. Shit, if it didn't work with her, then how is it gonna work with me???? Maybe we're all just TOO different...

I still know though, that my willingness to sacrifice for him, and to prove myself to him is far greater than any pleasure he received from her sexually. And I am 116% sure that with a little guidance, my shit would be better than hers. I just need to be clear on what he likes and what he doesn't like. Her experience in the bed may be that of a pro--yeah I may be virginal (no penetration)---BUT---I want to give him...me.

Was reading this novella tonight titled, "Satisfy Me"....the main female character was a 22 year old virgin. A year older than myself. Something she said in the book struck a chord with me. I remember going back to campus with B almost 2 years ago. We were coming from the mall and talking about first times. I told her then that I wanted her best friend to be my first. She wasn't necessarily for or against it, because at the time I believe she wanted to protect BOTH of us from getting hurt. She asked me why....Just as the main character in that novella had stated, I answered, "Because I trust him".

To this day he is the only guy I've been intimate with.......I knew I wanted to experience my firsts with him because I trusted him, I felt comfortable around him, and I knew he knew what he was doing! As the year progressed and 2008 came under way, I was fully head-over-heels....*sigh*

We've been through a lot. But he (and others) are probably thinking that what we've endured doesn't even scratch the surface of what him and that girl went through...but ask me if I care? AND DON'T!!

What I'd ultimately like to happen is, he realizes that I am all he needs in a woman. We can help make each other that "all in all". I want him to let go of the past and look to the future...which Capricorn is best for you?

But....just as I discovered that cold day in February...if he doesn't choose me, I shouldn't dismay. It might be that it just wasn't meant to be. They always come back, anyway...once they realize their mistake. Problem is...it may be too late...

When it's all said and done, though, I want that man to be happy. That's all I want is happiness for his life. And that along with a piece of my heart is all that I can give him right now...